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A Lifetime of Love.

By on October 19, 2018 in Open-hearted, Pictures, relationship

1997 :: 1996 :: 2014 :: 2017

 

Today we have been married for 21 years. If we had a kid the day we were married, that kid would be able to legally drink today. It’s an entire lifetime. And I want four more with him, this time around. And then I want four other lifetimes with him after this one has ended.

This has been a year of serious growth for me and my beloved and we are reaping all the benefits of our hard work, dedication, and love. I am incredibly happy with me, us, and where we are together. Like, fantastically happy. Contentedly happy.

I’ve been thinking about what it takes to be in a long-term relationship; I often do around this time of year. And I realized this year that there comes a point when you have to decide what kind of relationship you want to be in, long term. Because there are several different options to choose from. You can be in a relationship that never changes and stick with it, if that’s what both people want. He always mows the lawn, she always does the holiday decorating; nothing ever changes. You can be in a relationship with someone for a very long time and not care about them or the relationship. It’s horrible, but plenty of people do it. You can be in a growth-oriented relationship. You can be in a relationship that only grows during hardship or difficulty like a sickness or a family issue. There are many options.

For me, though, there is only one kind of relationship: growth-oriented.

Because I’m deeply interested in my own healing and growth, I am also interested in healing and growth in my most intimate relationships.

All of the times we have decided to make a shift in our relationship have been about growth. Our growths as individuals and our growth as a couple. For growth-oriented couples, the growth is their strength. At least, it has been for us.

It took us probably 5-7 years to figure out that we were growth-oriented. And then it took us another 4-5 years to understand our particular pattern of growth. Exploring this and understanding it is how we’ve been so wildly successful, why we still like and love each other, why we still have great sex (although, that is not the be all-end all of a relationship).

We tell the truth. We made a pact, at one point, to tell the truth, even if it hurt the other person. Because telling the truth leaves no room for doubt. Yes, we need to clarify sometimes, but we always tell the truth. Because how else are we supposed to fully understand another human if we don’t?

We work through the hurt. When one of us feels hurt, we work through it. One of our big issues (that it took years to fully work through) was money. We both grew up in families with weird money issues and what was ‘normal’ to me felt oppressive to him and vice versa. When I felt hurt by some of his actions with money we learned to work through it, even if there was pain. He stopped his behaviors. I looked at why they were so frustrating to me (I had to do my own healing so that we could heal). We both looked at what was our responsibility in this fight. Mine was to heal some old stories about money. His responsibility was to deal with some old patterns from his family of origin. It wasn’t fun. It took years. It bounced around a lot. And we had to deal with a fair amount of personal pain and create new habits. But we always work through the hurt until no one hurts anymore and until each of us feels loved and heard.

We really like the other person and want to be with them. Even when some of our habits annoy the the fuck out of other person. Even when we don’t look as sexy as we did 20 years ago. Even when we didn’t have sex very often (there are times when someone is sick or in pain and you can’t, and that may last for a while). Even when we are both bogged down with work, kids, and the daily grind. We still really dig each other as people and we know we want to be together.

We support each other’s dreams. He wrote two books. I am writing one. He wanted to study in England. I wanted to live in a particular house. He got his PhD and is a full professor. I wanted kids and did my Master’s. I needed more sex. He delivered. We both love to travel. We support each other in big and small dreams. And that draws us together as a team. And inside ‘being a team’ we practice loving each other.

I still think my husband is a really cool person I want to spend time with. And, for us, that happens because we grow as individuals and as a couple.

That’s not how it works for everyone, obviously. There are lots of ways to have long term relationships. And lots of ways to be happy in long term relationships. You just have to make sure you’re in the kind of relationship that suits you best, and so is your partner.

Feels like I’ve written this before; I probably have. Oh, well.

Happy Anniversary to my beloved. May we have many more ahead of us.

Joanna :: xoxo

::: ::: ::: :::

I have a little something more to say about truth and betrayal, but my computer is in the shop and this keyboard sucks, so it’ll have to wait.

Lastly, I started meditating regularly again a couple of weeks ago. Someone who follows me energetically and physically seems to think I’m performing Sex Magic. And while orgasm and meditation are two places I feel utterly free and spiritually connected, they aren’t quite the same. Despite something extraordinarily weird happening last Friday, they seem to have backed off. Their personal record for leaving me alone is 16 days, so we’ll see what happens. May the odds be ever in their favor, cuz if it happens again, I’ll need to have a chat with them.

[FYI: When you hang out too much in my social media, the algorithm tries to connect us by showing me things you’re interested in or have been texting/emailing/researching about lately. So let me say: letting go of someone we loved or cared for (or still do) is some of the hardest work of being a human. It’s something we have to do, but you can have compassion for yourself as you go through it. It took me a long time to learn that. And I don’t particularly subscribe to the idea of soul mates or twin flames, but there are people who teach our souls things. Some teach us how we don’t want to be treated. Some teach us how we do want to be treated. These are soul lessons. But no one that loves you will treat you like shit. That’s not what love is. That’s not what love does. Love can cause us pain (see above), but real love also takes care of us and helps us heal.]

 

 

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Believe Us

By on October 4, 2018 in Sacred pop culture

 

A bloody, red background with the words "believe women, believe brown people, believe black people, believe poor people, believe disabled people' across it

[Did you really think I would not say anything about the news this last week?]

 

And for all the white men who read this, particularly you mediocre motherfuckers:

You have the least prohibitions on you.
You are not fettered or hurdled by the things the folks listed above are.
You have very few forms of systemic oppression limiting you and your choices.

Your life is 99% your own.

If you don’t like where you’re at: that is on you.

No one is your savior.
No one is your excuse.
No one is your reason.
Not me, not anyone.

Where you are is a result of your choices.

You choose to be influenced? That is on you.
You choose to behave poorly? That is on you.
You choose to listen or not listen? That is on you.
You choose to be a coward? That is on you.
You choose to blame others? That is on you.
You choose to be an asshole? That is on you.
You made a life you don’t like? That is on you.
And so are all the consequences and outcomes.

Everything is a choice. Everything.
[You are free to choose to do or not do anything, including breathe. There are consequences for choices, including falling unconscious and having your vital systems force you to breathe. But you choose everything. Everything.]

So if you don’t like what you have, that is not my problem or anyone else’s.
You are your own damn problem.
And you have the most freedom to change.

STFU and change if you don’t like where you’re at.
I am tired of white men’s bullshit, especially you mediocre motherfuckers.
And I have no time for it anymore.

Believe women.
Believe brown people.
Believe black people.
Believe poor people.
Believe disabled people.
Believe LGBTQIA people.

 

 

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New Moon in Virgo :: The Goodbye Experiment

By on September 9, 2018 in Modern sacred texts, Music, Open-hearted

Tonight is a new moon, a dark moon, in Virgo. It’s a moon for cleaning out, letting go, and sort of cleaning house in the way one does when we’re getting ready for another year of school. You clear out the old papers, archive what might be useful later, and just clear things out so new things can begin. That’s what’s up for your life and your soul this next week or so.

I’m not going to share a lot of other people’s perceptions on the new moon. Just one or two. Because you all know where I like to get my info from (type ‘new moon’ and ‘full moon’ in the search bar, if you’ve not been here before). And it’s time for you to find your own way, find the people who speak to your soul’s journey.

Saltwater Stars writes:

on or just after the moon is new is the time to begin fresh practices, projects, and experiments. with neptune in pisces will be opposite the new moon, you’ll get better results if you infuse all your operations with a trust that the multiverse wants to work with you. you don’t have to be or do all the things. if saturn retrograde since april taught us anything, it’s that we literally, actually can’t without a cost. 

with saturn direct, there is something of this feeling of…what’s next? what is the next project? what’s the next plan? what’s the next move? what do we need to optimize, capitalize, or execute right now? these are powerful, ambitious questions. they are important for us to be able to make the most of the time, energy, and resources we have. each moment is a reason to be grateful and that deserves to be honored. 

this moment before the new moon is an invitation to be with those questions without urgency. trust the answers that time brings, trust what you have already accomplished. take inventory – not just of what you’ve done but of what principles are supporting your work ethic. virgo, as an observer of intricate process and interconnectivity, wants us to seed intentions that honor sustainability. because capitalism, urgency, and individualism are killing us. everyday.

saturn helps us create structures of support so we can not just perform accountability, integrity, or responsibility, but actually embody it. saturn retrograde was a reminder that sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. not because of some kind of self-hatred, scarcity, or punishment model. but because our relationships, our bodies, our communities need us to be response-able. our relationships, our bodies, our communities need us to be committed to something other than personal ambitions or feel-goodness. our relationships, our bodies, our communities need us. 

I think that’s all you need to know for this new moon.

::: ::: ::: :::

I’ve been listening to George Michael for the last couple of days. I really, really miss him. “Father Figure,” “One More Try,” the entire Older and Songs from the Last Century albums. Bittersweet is my favorite emotion and I’ve been indulging myself. I’m sure it’s part grief. Grief for leaving whatever this site has been to me. Knowing I’m different now. Not sure if I’ll be back. (Don’t worry, the site will stay.) I’m stepping into the ‘in between’ space. It’s a sacred place, I know that. Leaving what’s been and stepping towards something that hasn’t yet shown itself. It is a place of peace and potential. And the only way through is self acceptance and planting seeds…and enjoying the waiting. I’ll dance and read and dream my way through.

There are two pictures that I think capture where I am now and where I’m headed and what I’ve learned here.

 

 

I was doing some art journalling with a friend this weekend. Ripping out pictures and pages that called to me and seeing how the pieces fit together. And there was this: “Quiet naughty on your side.” When I saw the words and the images together it felt like something inside myself fit together like a puzzle, like some missing piece had come home to me.

I know I’m sensual now.
I know I’m sexually expressive now.
And I know it’s all sacred now.
I know I’m not ‘dirty,’ but that I am naughty in the best way.

I also know I’m not super outwardly visible about this. I really reserve my sensuality and my sexual expressiveness for those I deem worthy.

Aaaaaand, I’ve also come to understand that when someone wants you they will pursue you. And I’m happier when I wait for the pursuit. It’s fun to wait behind the door in my silky dress and know that whoever knocks is ready to walk through the doorway into my realm. Because I’m at my best, sensually and otherwise, when I feel safe. (As are most women.)

I know that I will be attracted to other people throughout my life. And I know better how to handle it. (Although, at the moment, I’m really in love with my life and my husband and I’m enjoying the fuck out of that.)

I’m on my own side.
My sensuality is on my side.
My quiet is here to serve and save me.
I’m breathing the fresh, mountain air of self-acceptance.

This is the journey I’ve made in this space. And I’m so grateful for it. All of it.

::: ::: ::: :::

 

 

This is what my altar looks like at the moment. Everything has been put away, because it’s time for a careful selection of what needs and wants to be there now. What is sacred to us changes with time. For many years, Jesus was sacred to me. These days my life, my family, my work, beauty and sensuality are sacred to me. I know there are goddesses waiting to be revered on this altar. But it needs a new shape, new items, new space to reflect what is sacred to me now, after all I’ve learned and become.

There also has to be room for the dark here. Because that’s part of being human. And that’s part of any goddess or god, as well. And it’s part of me, I know now, too. I’m not always hope and learning and light. I will hurt you with words if you cross me too many times. I will bring you down from the inside. And I will leave in such a way that you no longer exist in my world or my heart. I can be unkind. Sometimes I’m cruel. I have darkness within me. But this is part of self-acceptance and knowing that everything is useful, in some way or another. It’s also part of being human. Maybe what I’ve learned here is how to be a human Joanna, instead of a perfect one.

::: ::: ::: :::

This site has been a kind of chapel to me, I think. A place I could go to pray, to talk to god, to talk to other humans, to share my journey, to preach. I have loved it. And I love it still. So, as I leave, I want to offer you some of my favorite prayers. If you ever hear them, you’ll find me inside them. I pray them all the time.

Mysterious Ways | U2

Johnny take a walk
With your sister the moon
Let her pale light in
To fill up your room

You’ve been living underground
Eating from a can
You’ve been running away
From what you don’t understand
Love

She’s slippy
You’re sliding down
She’ll be there
When you hit the ground

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
She moves in mysterious ways

Johnny take a dive
With your sister in the rain
Let her talk about the things
You can’t explain
To touch is to heal
To hurt is to steal
If you want to kiss the sky
Better learn how to kneel (on your knees boy!)

She’s the wave
She turns the tide
She sees the man inside the child, yeah

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Lift my days, light up my nights

One day you’ll look back
And when you see
Where you were held
Down by this love
While you could stand there
You could move on this moment
Follow this feeling

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
She moves in mysterious ways
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
She moves in mysterious ways

Ah oh oh ah huh
Move, move, move, move
She moves with it
She moves me like
Lift my days and light up my nights
Love

::: ::: ::: :::

Still | Alanis Morissette

I am the harm that you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I’m the nuclear bombs if they´re to hit
I am your immaturity and your indignance

I am your misfits and your praises
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rape
I am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children

And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia

And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art I am your bytes

I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters

And I love you still
And I love you still

I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other

And I love you still
And I love you still

::: ::: ::: :::

Looking Through Patient Eyes | P.M. Dawn

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you.
I have a love for you that nothing hides.
Whatever it is I do, I’m always thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.

I’ve become amused.
I’ve become blind.
I’ve become what I know not breathes.
You seem illiterate to all my emotions.
I stand corrected, how well you read.

You speak the truth, you speak the me.
You feel the love I have yet to find.
I know it’s there, I know it’s there.
But I let the sandcastles kill my mind.

Pathetic me, I long to be you.
They think I’m close but i stand so fat.
The turbulent one sheds a turbulent tear.

I’m Mr. Love only ’cause they starve.
Oil and water, lust and sympathy.
I’ll life and death my way through the sun.
Where originates all the pain that leaves.
My memory a traumatic sponge and sings to you.

Well define my love and attitude.
Open up your mind and it will sing to you.
You can always tell.
But I know remorse so well.
I left reality early due to the lack of love… reason.

Whatever I do, I try to think about you.
I seek the sympathy and I can’t lie.
Whatever it is I do, I’m always thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.

The channel, a professional liar.
How I long to contradict those vibes.
Joni help me, I think I’m falling.
It’s not the love and I quest the why.

I don’t know, If I’m right, I’m right.
But if I’m wrong then show me I’m wrong.
The fear of pity is always awake.
But infinite sympathy completely gone.

It’s the windows, the doors, the passageway to the truth.
Oh my god, it echoes the mind.
In total recall as wild as the deuce.

It’s so deceiving is the clouded heart.
So superficial is the open wound.
I caress the infinite light.
That even at night, overshadows the moon and sings to you.

Well, define my love, that lives with you.
Even when I die, it will still sing to you.
You can always tell if remorse has done you well…
They misconstrued my answers due to the
Lack of love…reason.

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you.
I seek the sympathy and I can’t lie.
Whatever it is I do, I’m always thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.

::: ::: ::: :::

So, my beloveds. Thank you for taking this trip with me. It’s been fun. It’s been painful. It’s been whatever truth I had to give. And that is also where you will always find me: inside truth, love, and health. Those are my guideposts. I hope you know yours and can live by them.

I don’t know what happens next. Maybe I will be back. Maybe I won’t. But thank you so much for being here, for reading, for following along, and for loving me with your words and support. Whatever the flip side, is I’ll see you there. I love you.

Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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[Almost] Everything Has A Use

By on September 8, 2018 in light, Open-hearted

For the last year or so I have really come to see, perhaps because of my affinity for learning from Life, that everything has a use. It’s one of the things I want to talk about before I leave for my ‘goodbye experiment.’

I don’t necessarily believe that everything happens for a reason. I sort of believe the quote by Kierkegaard (I think it was him?) that we can only understand life backward, but we must live it forward. We can see the thread of our life and how things connect, but I’m not sure that means it all happened for a reason. We may reach certain places or have certain experiences that lead us to other moments, experiences, and places, but…I’m not sure that means they all have a reason. It’s very tempting to look backwards and say, “Ah, X had to happen so I could reach Y,” but I really don’t believe that’s true. It’s just the choices we made along the way.

We like to tell stories about our lives, to find meaning (it is, I believe, a very necessary part of human existence and culture)- so looking back and connecting the dots in a way that is meaningful to us is highly valuable (it’s also highly valuable to notice what we tell of our story and how we tell it). But also, sometimes shit just happens in our life and we have to deal with it. Of course, how we deal with it sometimes determines where our life goes, but, again, that doesn’t mean there is a reason for all (or any) of it.

That said, I still believe that everything has a use. Every bit of our life has a use. Every bit of the Universe has a use. Everything that exists has a use.

Our emotions show us the truth of our heart and our experience.
Sadness shows us when we miss the mark for our desires.
Anger shows us when our values have been ignored or dismissed.
Joy shows us when we have received what we desire.
Love shows us the best of our desires and wishes for self and others.
They all have a use.

It’s easy to see where good things have a use. Houses, cars, stores, roads, telephone towers, forks, shrubbery. But ‘bad’ things also have their uses. Although, I will say that ‘bad’ things often only have one use.

Violence is sometimes necessary to topple dictators, Nazis, and other oppressors.
Hatred is useful because it shows us where we fear.
Intolerance is useful on the intolerant. (See ‘The paradox of tolerance.’)
Breaking promises is useful when our truth changes.
Lies are sometimes necessary to create safety. (See your local domestic violence shelter.)

There is one set of ‘things’ that are never useful, though. And those are the ‘-isms.’ The outcomes of unfairness and oppression and ranking differences judged from things we cannot change.

Racism.
Sexism.
Homophobism.
Transphobism.
Ageism.
Sizeism/Fatphobia.
Classism.
Ableism.
Religious oppression.

There is no use for any of them. In any case, those who participate in oppressing are only showing what they hate, and thereby, what they fear. (We can say that perhaps these things are useful because they show us exactly where others fear, which can help us educate them. Again, this may be the only useful thing about them. And I’m not sure it’s worth having them around for this particular type of ‘useful.’ I’d much rather we didn’t have them at all.)

In my life, everything has had a use.

My fear.
My pain.
My desire.
My perspective.
My ego deaths.
My joy.
My creativity.
My hope.
My love.
My truth.
My choices.
My mistakes.

It’s not that everything, every moment, of my life has been useful. It’s that there is always something useful in what’s going on in my life.

The most important part of coming to understand this, for me, is that it has helped me accept myself and the world as it is. This doesn’t mean the world isn’t a mess (it does need changing). But to change anything we have to see it clearly and accept where we it is/we are at this moment in time. And the understanding that everything has a use has helped me accept what’s going on- even (perhaps especially) when things are rough. There is something useful here, inside this difficulty, for my life, for my growth, for my understanding of the world.

As I said at the beginning of this post, perhaps I hold this view because I believe in learning from my life and changing because of what I learn. I suppose if someone refuses to learn then this viewpoint is moot. But I don’t personally know another way to think of the world or how to live. Life presents each of us with repeated lessons, with unique opportunities, with stories we want to break free from. And I believe the only thing we can do with those experiences is learn from them. That’s how we become who we are, who we want to be; it’s how we make the world a better place.

I believe everything is useful on this strange, human journey.

Thanks for being here with me, fellow travelers.
All my love,
Joanna :: xoxo

::: ::: ::: :::

If you need a pop culture reference to go along with this, here you go.

Thank U | Alanis Morissette

How ’bout getting off these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

 

 

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New England [from Paris]

By on September 4, 2018 in Open-hearted, Pictures, Words

The day was bright and hot, but not humid. The sky was blue, with lots of white clouds above us. My feet were walking on gray cobbles, one step at a time. I had a backpack full of food and maps on my back. I walked slowly, tired and hungry. I looked up ahead and saw my husband and children and it occurred to me, “Normally, right now, I would be angry that we weren’t where we were supposed to be, that it’s hot and I’m hot, that we haven’t found a place to eat yet. But I’m not.”

It was a strange revelation to have in a cemetery. But there I was, in the middle of the Pere LaChaise cemetery in Paris, and I recognized that I was fully in the moment. I wasn’t thinking about what came next or what had happened a few minutes (or years) ago. I wasn’t angry because we weren’t ‘there’ yet. I wasn’t upset because we’d been trudging uphill for what seemed like hours. I was just walking, noticing what was around me, noticing the sky, noticing the backpack. My mind was calm.

This is one of the gifts I found when I went on vacation in Paris. My mind finally let go of its daily chatter. I found that once I noticed this was happening, I can make it happen whenever I wish. Because, of course I can.

I can’t quite describe how freeing this has felt in the couple of weeks since I’ve returned home. I don’t play scenarios over and over in my head. I don’t try to overly use my intuition. I don’t try to ‘feel into’ people, places, or experiences. I am just living and being and my head is a lot less busy. And it feels great. I watch TV now and read more books (and less social media). I go to bed on time, which I have struggled with for years. It has really been an amazing shift. I want to hold on to this.

I sometimes feel a little disoriented for not thinking and futzing around in my head so much. But I get over it. And it’s not fully integrated yet, so there are still moments when I catch myself at the old habits of mind. But I know how to let myself out now. I was my own jailer; now I know how to set myself free.

One thing I realized, having let go and calmed down in these last two weeks is how much I was at the mercy of my own emotions. I thought and felt deeply – still do – and I got dragged all over by those thoughts and feelings. And that happens less often now. I am also more aware of when it does happen and I can pull myself off the hamster wheel as needed. I still feel deeply, but now it doesn’t pull me all over, feeling by feeling, low and high. I realize how busy and crazy it made me feel; I prefer this peace.

The other gift of Paris was as wonderful as peace, it was beauty. In Paris there were far fewer ads for beauty products for women. In America women are bombarded with magazines, TV ads, bus posters, and billboards about the ways in which they are deficient and should improve themselves (to a beauty standard no woman can achieve). There are aisles and aisles of beauty products in stores the country over for women to improve how they look. These things do not exist in Paris. And I came to understand something really important: I am the only one who can define my beauty.

Is it nice when someone says I’m beautiful? Of course. It’s always lovely when someone says they find you meet their standards of beauty. But me finding myself beautiful is much more important and valuable. I started taking selfies with no make-up on. I take selfies when I feel good, generally. But to feel good without make-up on was weird. It challenged the part of me that feels I must live up to the impossible standards; it challenged the part of me that knows I gain something in this world from meeting a lot of those standards. I get resources – respect, patience, a discount from the manager – that others don’t get due to how they look because I meet the standards of conventional beauty in this country. It’s not fair or right, but it happens, and it was challenging to my sense of self to recognize that as I looked at how my ‘unmade’ face – my naked face – did not meet those standards. My naked face is beautiful, but it won’t get me as many resources as my ‘made up’ face does.

Finally, I also learned that I don’t even have to ask the beauty question if I don’t want to. Am I beautiful? Who cares? There are so many things that are more important than beauty: kindness, authenticity, compassion to name a few. I believe that our beloved will find us beautiful no matter what, so what does beauty matter? I think maybe it doesn’t.

 

Naked faced me.

In the last two weeks, since being home, I’ve also come to realize that I want to experiment with being done here. I have a few things left to say, but I am beginning to think that this space has served its purpose. It was a place for me to make art from my pain and frustration, which I did. It was a place for me to tell my truth, which I have done.

I’ve been thinking about the tagline here, recently. “Honest. Erotic. Rebellious. With god.” At the time I started this blog, being sensual and sexual felt like the furthest thing from being spiritual. My Protestant upbringing assured those two energies would be divided in my mind and body for a long time. But I have worked and found the place where they are both true. That’s part of me now. And, truth be told, what is ‘rebellious’ to a middle class, white lady is not exactly ‘rebellious’ to the rest of the world (we all have our stories to break free from, but mine is like a lot of other white, Protestant ladies, so it’s not very rebellious at all). If anything, this has always been a place for me to share my thoughts and tell what I see as truth, but I have no real claim to any capital-T truth, so I’m not sure I have much else of value to share.

The other thing I’ve begun to wonder about is that I really put my heart on the page here and maybe my heart it worth more than that. Maybe my heart is for those who love me enough to get over their own fears and seek connection with me. Maybe my heart is for those whom I deem worthy. And maybe that’s why it’s time to play with being done here. We shall see…

Big love from the trail,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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