Archive | October, 2014

Go! Be Your Magic!

Last spring I went to my daughter’s school and talked about Harry Potter (it was a 1st grade class). She had gotten a HP-related wand from one of her father’s overseas trips and wanted to share it.

One of the kids asked,“How do we get our wands to make us magic?”

I replied, “Everybody has their own magic. You might not know what yours is right now, but you will find out. You don’t need a wand to be magic. Your magic is inside you. Some of you will be magic at math. Some of you will be magic at writing, or drawing, or dancing. Some of you won’t find your magic until a few years from now, but keep looking for it. You all have magic.”

One little kid said, “My magic is burping!”
To which I heartily agreed.


magic wands from Harry Potter movies


Today we are celebrating Halloween in America. I’m not sure we take full advantage of the spirit of this day- it is a day to believe in magic, to pretend we are something different, to practice being something different, to let out our demons even.

And while I think letting out your demons has a particular (and helpful) kind of magic to it, today I want you to let your hidden good magic out.

What’s your magic?
It’s that light that Marianne Williamson knows we are so afraid of.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I think you know what your magic is.

Just for today, because the veil between the worlds is thinner, let yourself pretend to fly.

Go! Be your magic!


– – – – – – – – – – – –

On a related note: if you’re feeling like your magic is a little ‘meh,’ tonight is a great night to release old things that are symbolically dead or no longer need your attention, things that weigh you down and keep you from shining. That’s what I did yesterday. Let go of the old shit- be free!



Satisfaction: Playing ‘The Big Game’

I called him “Iowa.”

It was a code name.
Nothing more.
Certainly nothing to do with Iowa.

But it was a name I could use to talk about him without actually using his name.
Because his name was dangerous.

And it was dangerous because I wanted him.
Lusted not just after him, but all around and through him.
My entire body wanted him.

I was going through a hormonal shift called “The Sex Surge” (Google it) and Iowa was the target of my lustful and longing desires.

What did I want from him?
A lot.

I wanted the slow fuck on Sunday morning at the Church of the Warm Bed while Sam Smith played in the background.

I wanted to detonate the fission of a shitty day at work by ravenously ripping each other’s clothes off and fucking just inside the front door.

I wanted a house filled with darkness, where candles lit the way to a sexy nest in a wide-open room and ‘Come Here Boy’ (the Sonos version) played while I said nothing and ate every inch of him.

I wanted a sweltering afternoon deep in the woods where we let our sexual animal-selves out and got it on for half the day.

I wanted to be awakened by him nuzzling my neck and his hand traveling down my pants.

I wanted all these fantasies.*
(I know that these are pretty ‘tame’ as fantasies go. They’re not fantasies about gymnastic sex, though. I don’t need to prove myself; I know I’m an awesome lover. They are fantasies about sensuality.)


The big problem was that I knew they were fantasies.
They could never be fulfilled in real life.
(Fantasies are always perfect. No one ever cuts their toenails in fantasies.)

First off, I was (am) married and wished to stay that way.
Second, so is he.
Third, I don’t think he was sexually attracted to me.
(There was one moment, the only moment I ever fully looked him in the eyes, when his pupils exploded like fireworks. That’s a sign of either sexual attraction or cocaine usage. That moment was lustfully meaningful until I realized your body can be attracted even as your mind is repelled.)

When I realized the fantasies were never going to come true, I began to surrender to the lustful feelings and the pain of grief. I let both grief and lust wash over me as often as they needed to.

I swayed to and fro in my own mind- thinking of him, and then banishing myself from thinking of him.

For a year I sang my children to sleep with a deep longing seeping into every note. Longing for him? I wasn’t always sure.

It was a messy and confusing time. Trying to feel out, accept, and dig into my own needs and desires. Even as those desires made me feel ashamed and guilty. I wanted and did not want. I twisted myself up in so many ways. It hurt.

The eventual gift of these twisting and un-twisting months was acceptance of myself.
I no longer saw my fantasies as wrong.
I no longer saw my grief as wrong.
And I began to let go of both the fantasies and the grief.

Even as I surrendered into my own experience, I also began looking for my true desires.

Yes, I wanted to be fucked. But what did that mean?
Was there something underneath that fantasy that was more true?

I discovered there was something else.
A lot of deeper things that I wanted.

I wanted to be seen. As a woman, without any roles added to my personality.
Not Mother. Not Wife. Not Daughter. Not Educator. Just me.
Please, just see me.

I wanted to be penetrated. Not only in a sexual way, but also in a sensual way.
To see and feel the beauty of things. To be touched by them because they pressed into my soul.
To feel feminine in new ways, because these things had penetrated me.

I wanted him to touch me in certain ways.
These ways, I imagined, would unlock small gifts of pleasure.
I wanted satisfaction.

I wanted to let my sexual animal run free.
I believed his sexual animal was as large as mine; we would be well-paired.
I also believed that his sexual animal was as repressed as mine.
I wanted a place for us both to be wild.
And I wanted to be greeted with acceptance when I set myself free.


For years I grappled with all these ideas, insights, and understandings.

I knew I had to fill my deepest desires.
And not by fucking. (Much as I might have wanted it.)
The fantasies were not going to happen as I imagined them.

So I began to do those things: to find ways to be seen,
to experience deeper parts of life,
to ask for the touches I wanted,
to let my sexual animal free.
And more.

I gave to myself everything I wanted him to give me.

Gradually, as my needs were met, things got easier.

I was more able to pull back my emotional connection to Iowa. I decided that when I heard songs on the radio which reminded me of him, it wasn’t a reminder of the connection, it was a purging of it. I found something real to look at when I started to fantasize.

I let go… and let go…and let go.
Over and over.
So many mis-steps.
So many backwards steps.

I asked for help from friends and family. I performed rituals, crushing symbols of him, burying them, weeping and loosening our connection. I got help from ‘other planes’ of existence.

There were so many times I had dreams of him (big stuff in the metaphysical world), or believed I ‘felt’ him somehow (or he felt me). I felt pulled towards him and then spun away from him. It took years to dig all of this out.


Once dug, I let the empty spaces sit for a while. And then filled them with truths I knew would fulfill my deepest desires.

It was long, hard work.
But I did it.

I felt satisfied in many ways. Some pieces might have been missing, but I was (am!) so much better than before.
I knew what I wanted and I had gone after it- with every fiber of my soul.
I developed focus and perseverance.
I did not have an affair. With Iowa. Or anyone.

Dorothy Iannone's "My Caravan" piece, depicting women's sexuality and sexual union

Dorothy Iannone, My Caravan, 1990, Privatsammlung Jürgen und Anette Ruttmann
Foto: Ilona Ripke       (Found on HuffingtonPost )


It was a surprise, then, when I felt a familiar twinge of desire three or four weeks ago.
It may have been a hormonal blip.
Or maybe just my heart looking back through its memory box.

But I felt it.
The ache within my core, signaling a desire for connection.

I turned toward the Divine in meditation and said,
“What the actual fuck is going on?
‘Divine Intelligence’ my ass!
Haven’t I done enough work on this?
Haven’t I grown?
Haven’t I put myself through the fucking ringer to do what I know is right for my soul?”

I was pissed off. And tired. And not looking forward to the answer to those questions.
Screw you, Universe.

Deep down, though, I knew, from all the years of work to let go, that there was something left (unlearned) if this desire could still operate within me.

I got quiet and listened.
I got quiet and prayed.
I got quiet and went about my day when nothing was immediately clear.
I was still pissed off. And worried.
What could possibly be next for me to learn?

And that’s when I watched this video by Sheila Kelley, founder of S Factor.



When Sheila Kelley said she was, “hunting for the personal reclamation of the female body and the sexuality within” I started to cry.

That was what I had been wanting all these years.
That is why I kept searching.
That was the missing piece, the deep desire I so desperately wanted to fill.

I was hunting my own reclamation of my female body and my sexuality within.

And when I saw that, one thing became incredibly clear: Iowa was the small game.


Iowa was the small game. He was a reminder of the Big Game.

The Big Game was this:
My soul, it seems, had been asked to grow. It had been asked to embody my sexuality.
This was the task set before my soul.

And my brain and heart, lovely creatures, figured out a way for me to do that: have sex with people.
Have sex with Iowa.

I wanted to have sex with people because I wanted to relate as a sexual being.

I wanted to know myself as a sexual being. I wanted to share it with others. I wanted all those fantasies because I wanted all those ways of trying on this new identity. I wanted to have my partners reflect this part of my nature back to me. And the only way I could come up with (the only way society allows, really) was to have sex.


Of course, that answer never really worked, because of marriages, lack of attraction, etc.
But, try as they might, there were no other suitable answers.

Until I understood: the way to embody my sexuality was to embody my sexuality.

At the moment that thought dropped into my head, it seemed obvious. (‘facepalm’ as the kids say.) But it took me four years to get to the point where I could accept it.

I had to let go of my desire for Iowa enough, to move away from the fantasies enough, to be able to see the one door I could go through, which had been there the whole time. 

Now I know and feel the truth: 0nly when I begin to do that work – embodying my sexual and sensual self – would my connection with Iowa be truly broken. Because I wouldn’t need him, or my fantasies about him, to see myself that way. I would be that way.


This is a long fucking post.
But if I didn’t tell the whole story, it wouldn’t make sense.

My soul work now is to embody my sexual and sensual self.
To be her, in my body, every day.
To play the Big Game.

This is how spirituality and sexuality converge.
There is no place the soul will not grow.
Sex and sensuality are not separate from soul.
Opening to your sexuality can be opening to your soul.


I think I know what Jonah felt like, getting spit out of the whale’s belly, finally.
Out of the darkness I churned in, landing upon a new shore.

Now, perhaps even scarier, is to begin this work.
To find my way into something I don’t really know.
My brain wants answers, dudes!
And all I have are vague clues from my mind and feelings from my body to steer by.

Like any other path, I will learn as I go.
It will probably be messy. I will probably cry. And grind my teeth.

I know, now, about perseverance and focus.
And I know what my truth is. It will be my compass.

It’s not such a bad thing to have sexuality as a soul opening…could be fun.


*Now you know why I write erotica. It’s a great way to get the ideas out and relive the fantasy for as long as it’s useful.

12.2017: For a lot of years I gave credit to my growth in this area to Iowa. But a good friend pointed out to me a few months back that I was the one who made all the choices to grow. It was always me choosing to grow. Iowa may have provided a mirror or experiences for me to engage with, but I’m the one who did the work. Those are the treasures from the journey and they only marginally include him. And, as it turns out, Iowa was an asshole. I projected a lot of good qualities on him- I saw his potential. But he was really not a good person, he didn’t know what he wanted in life, he didn’t accept his responsibilities, and he was cruel just to be cruel. I can’t abide people like that. They are completely wrong for who I am. So I consider it a big gift now that I let him go. I learned so much to make my own life better and I didn’t have to interact with him.




Maiden Mother Crone: Britney, Christina, P!nk

There is an old phrase that describes the three stages of a woman’s life and growth: Maiden Mother Crone.
In Paganism, they are called the Triple Goddess: three faces of the divine Feminine.

Each woman is said to travel through these stages as part of her life journey. If she doesn’t travel through them, her journey as a woman is incomplete.


painting of the maiden, mother, and crone- the triple goddess



Maiden symbolizes the phase of a woman’s life before sex. (I honestly hate the reference to one’s ‘maidenhead’ as a description for virginity, but it is apt.) This is the time of a woman’s life that is free from most cares (certainly free from children) and marked by curiosity, exploration, and freedom.

The dark side of this stage is dependency and co-dependency, loss of self, shame, and refusal to learn from Life. The dark side of the Maiden emanates immaturity.

A modern-day example of the Maiden archetype is Britney Spears. She is a woman who rose to fame on the exploration of sexuality and freedom. She made gobs of money singing and dancing in heavily sexualized versions of what the Maiden does in this stage of life.

Britney, of course, remains in the shadow of the Maiden. She had herself declared mentally incompetent so her father could handle the business and its income (unlike, say, Rihanna, who decided to learn business skills so she could handle her own business, image, and finances).

She also has obviously not learned from failed relationships (we might guess, then, that she is co-dependent). Her music still tends to rely on the meme of sexuality and her latest works have been collaborations where her voice is distorted. Symbolically, she is willing to mangle her own voice- her way of being in the world, her ideas and opinions- in order to make money. This would definitely a miscarriage of the maiden’s tasks.

Lastly, I find it obvious that she is unhappy and unsure of how to take control of her life- her eyes do not shine. A happy Maiden feels confident and joyful.

Because Britney has not learned the lessons of Maidenhood, she is unlikely to reach the next stage: Motherhood. (Yes, I know she has kids. But it can be argued she hasn’t fully moved beyond the psychological space of the Maiden.)


upright version of the stage of a woman's life: maiden, mother, and crone



The Mother phase happens when a woman has her first sexual experience. Of course, nowadays, this line is rather blurred: one can have sex and still remain in the ‘maiden’ phase- unattached and exploratory. But think of the era from whence this phrase comes; motherhood was the absolute next step after sexual experience.

The Mother phase is really about the choice to take on more responsibility – whether in a family or in her community. The Mother stage contains professional pursuits, the ability to make choices for the group (and fix it when the choice doesn’t work), leadership in family and society, the application of all she learned as a Maiden, as well as the learning of new skills.

The dark side of the Mother phase also contains traces of co-dependency, subservience, lack of assertiveness, loss of other aspects of self (over-identifying with the Mother), abusive mothering, and poor partnering.

We might look to Christina Aguilera as the symbol for this stage of womanhood. Christina Aguilera also rode to fame and gobs of money on the exploration of sexuality and freedom. For many years, she and Britney were pitted against each other (a well-used tactic for keeping women from growing).

An interesting point of departure for these two was when Britney created a song called “I’m a Slave 4 U” and Christina recorded “Dirrty.” Both are songs about brazen sexual expression, but while Britney sings about disempowerment (she will do whatever her partner wishes), Christina is telling her audience exactly what she wants (to get ‘dirty’). One sings about subservience, the other about assertiveness. Certainly these are not the only two flavors of female sexual expression, and there are times when subservience (or being a sexual slave) is chosen out of full empowerment, but I doubt that is the case with Britney.

Christina Augilera has also gone on to record songs that have little or nothing to do with sexuality and sexual expression. Her range of symbols and experiences has widened, and so has her creativity. This is exactly what we would expect to see in the Mother stage of female development.

Christina Aguilera shows us a picture of the Mother archetype that has psychologically moved beyond the Maiden. She is raising children, learning new skills, and continues to express herself in ways that show her broadening understanding of life.


a single woman's face showing the three stages of  feminine development


The Crone is the phase of life after a woman has finished menopause. She is now free from responsibilities again (or, most of them) and able to apply the wisdom of what she has learned in the Maiden and Mother stages. The Crone is fierce and assertive because she knows Life and understands the World; she knows what needs to change. She is also supportive, comforting, patient, grateful, active, and inclusive.

The dark side of the Crone is withdrawal, anger, despair, and a shriveling of the spirit. The image of an older woman, in a muumuu, with umpteen cats at her feet is the dark side of the Crone.

In this case, we might think of the artist P!nk. Certainly she is not post-menopausal (far from it!). But she is beginning to display the qualities and behaviors that come from full feminine development.

P!nk also rose to fame at the same time as Britney and Christina. (She makes fun of their differences, and the music industry trying to control her, in her song “Don’t Let Me Get Me.”) She traded in sexiness and exploration as well.

However, as P!nk has grown as an artist, she seems to have also grown as a woman. Her songs have a wide range of themes- beyond those of sexuality and rebellion. Her latest album includes tracks that talk about the various aspects of marriage and long-term relationships. She is not afraid to admit defeat (“Just Give Me a Reason”), frustration in marriage (“True Love”), and to tell men where they can get off (“U + Ur Hand”).

Not only that, but her development as an artist has also show her development as a person. She dresses in a variety of styles and has learned to do acrobatics in aerial silks (I’m jealous). Her lyrics still remain assertive, yet also bring in wisdom, responsibility, and playfulness. She seems to have learned from the Maiden and Mother phases of life.


Ancient Symbols, Modern Faces

There are lots of female stars I could make these symbolic comparisons to, including Iggy Azalea and Chelsea Jane- rappers from Australia [although, I find it hard to give Iggy the label; and Chelsea Jane still seems to have a little self-hatred going on, but that’s another topic…].

The bigger point here is that these ancient archetypes still live with us today.

The energies of Chaos, Cupid, Earth Mother, Fire-catcher, Trickster, and others are not historic fables. They live and breathe among us today. Certainly within our own lives, but also within those we call ‘The Gods’ today- music stars and actors, reality-show participants, literary figures, and other popular personalities. Who but John Stewart could portray the Court Jester so well? He is allowed to tell the truth in the form of a joke and people trust him above their own government.

There is no time limit for what is eternal. The archetypes and symbols of the past will always find their way into the modern world.




Clues: Adoration, Creativity, and Sex

A big part of why I write this blog is to explore my own path of trying to make love with life, experience the spiritual side of sex (and the sexual side of spirituality), and a lot of that happens when I start looking for clues.

Where might the answers be?
Lots of places.

I found another one!

I was watching Layla Martin’s video about the secret to being an awesome lover. (I took her online Sexual Mastery course. Really great stuff- I promise to review it sometime!) In it she talks about how she – and other tantrikas she was on a panel with – have been complimented on their blow-j0b skills. She shares the deeper secret that great blow j0bs – and great love-making in general- are great because of adoration.

When we’re with someone we adore, our lovemaking becomes much more focused, pleasurable, and enjoyable for everyone. We want to give pleasure to someone we adore, and that gives us pleasure in return. And that makes sex better. Even spiritual.


two naked people and their hands in a close-up of sensual interaction


I was considering this concept of adoration in my own life. I have been given the same compliment, and it is absolutely because I adore the person I’m with (or have been with). That adoration of them, their body, their breath, their eyes, their being makes the sex -and blow j0bs- amazing.

My husband made mention about this a few weeks ago. He said, “It was like you were worshipping me.”
It felt that way because I was.
Adoration is not that far from worship.

So, yes, being a great lover is about adoration. 
Adoring who you’re with.
Adoring what you’re doing.
They feed one another, I believe.

That is one clue.

But as I kept thinking about what Layla had shared, I was also realizing that I don’t just adore the person I’m with when I’m having sex (and especially when giving a blow j0b). I actually like giving oral sex.

Oh my god. I’m admitting that.
I might as well admit that I’m the Sasquatch, too. (A mythical creature you’ve only read about…)

Now, certain circumstances apply: feeling safe, being emotionally connected, adoring my partner.
If those are not present, no one’s getting their rocks off. (Not me, not him, not no one.)
But after that? Hell, yes!

And what I realized about my enthusiasm for oral sex is that I love the CREATIVITY.

I think pretty much any human – man and woman – will tell you that the tongue is the best sexual organ ever.
(You know I’m right.)

And part of what I dig about oral sex is that there are so many ways to be creative.
So many tools.
Hands. Mouth. Tongue. Teeth (if you’re brave and careful!).
The palm of the hand. The tips of the fingers. The tip of the tongue. The soft lips.
Pressure, heat, swirls, slides, taking it so       very       slowly…..

There are a limited number of things you can do with orifices.
But mouths, tongues, and hands? Infinite possibilities!

And those infinite possibilities excite the hell out of me.

I think I figured out I love creative sex.


Now, take a breath. Calm down.

Because this might be about blow j0bs and adoration and creativity, but it’s also about figuring out what turns us on.

If adoration and creativity turn me on inside the bedroom, then those are probably what will turn me on more in my outside-the-bedroom life.

That’s what those clues are really about.

If I want to make love with life, to live sensually, then I think adoration and creativity are going to have to play a bigger part in what I do, how I live, and how I approach life.

This is not to say that I’m going to, guns blazing, start being all creative and adore whatever I do. My life is busy and I only have so much time to focus on change. But these are clues. And they are helpful clues.

They’re going to get me to what I want.
Small steps.


If you want to have enjoy life more, take a small step and ask yourself: what is it about sex that is so amazing? Connection?

Look at your life, and figure out how to get more of that.




The Laughing Heart

The Laughing Heart

by Charles Bukowski


your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is a light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.


[yes, they do, my friends. the gods wait to delight in you.]