I am giving myself a huge, scary Christmas gift today.
I already gave other people I care about their gifts.
I know that is what this holiday is about. <wink>
But I have been back in my beloved Seattle for a week now and I am so very clear on one thing:
I cannot pretend to be something I am not anymore.
This is where I come from.
This website is the one place I feel free to say what I think, what I believe, what I have learned.
And because I have a place to be myself, really myself, I find I have less and less room in my mind, spirit, and body for not being myself everywhere else in my life.
– – – – – – – – – – –
I am just about to turn 40 and I finally feel like I am living up to my potential.
I am ready to be all of who I am in my life.
I am ready to make my life my own.
I cannot live a divided life any longer.
I cannot be bright, bold, and spiritual in one place and not the other.
I cannot compartmentalize my sensual self from the rest of my life.
I cannot diminish the love I have for Seattle and pretend to be increasingly Boston.
I cannot stretch myself to bend around others anymore.
I cannot divide my intuition from my professional self.
I cannot hold back the colors and textures that I am.
I have, in one big way, been living a lie here on this site;
I write under a pen name.
For me to live an truly undivided life, I must use my own name.
It would seem that, perhaps like the Velveteen Rabbit, it is time for me to become real.
And the place I start with that is here, where I am already most myself.
So, I want to say today, as a gift to myself, and in recognition that I am all of who I am, this:
My name is not Joanna Stafford-Montgomery.
My name is Joanna Meriwether.
I want to claim this space as something that I, Joanna Meriwether, created and create.
Joanna Meriwether is the one who has learned these lessons and theorized the things here.
And I want to claim all of this for myself.
Because it is the best of who I am.
This is me as sensualist.
This is me, utterly satisfied, after some ecstatic dancing.
And this is me, on vacation, feeling most myself.
Living a life divided is hard work.
Separating yourself into pieces, and keeping them all alive and functioning takes extra effort.
Even the story of “Who I am in one place is not who I really am” is hurtful to your soul.
Because living a divided life hurts your mind and soul (and will eventually trickle down to
hurting your body).
Living a divided life is not how we are meant to live.
And it is a way I can no longer stand to live.
I want an undivided life.
A whole life.
And all the benefits and growth that come with it.
If you want to live a full, whole life, consider working with me to help you.
To help you find your pieces.
To help you put them together.
To help you live a whole life.
It’s the new year- maybe it should be a different year.
Here is to a whole life.
A life that goes all-in.
A life, a place, a name, a person who holds nothing back.
Today, I start.