I don’t even really know where to start this story. I just know it is important.
Yesterday while I was working with my coach, she noticed, “You do things very incrementally.”
“Yes,” I replied. “I do.”
As we talked, I realized that I do things incrementally because I don’t want to ruin my health. My belief and experience have been that if I push too much, I will become sick.
This ties back to an incident in 2010, when after almost two years of grad school, I got so sick with a lung infection they weren’t sure I was going to make it.
[I will never forget the look on every doctor’s face (6 of them) at a table when I said, “Am I going to die?” and they all looked down, shook their heads and said, “No! No, of course not.” Their words did not match their body language. It frightened me, deeply.]
And now I have this belief that I can’t risk my energy, my health, to get to the big things I want.
So, yesterday, my coach kindly pushed me, “What if you blew the doors off, Joanna? What if you let go of everything – all the restrictions, all the limitations, all the fears?”
“And what if…what if that meant that you didn’t have to waste energy holding back anymore?”
“And what if you didn’t have to put out energy, or get depleted? What if by living wide you got all the energy you needed?”
I made a scrunchy face and she laughed.
I had never thought of it that way.
I sat with that for about 6 hours.
And then I started to imagine, what if…
What if I was real enough to admit that I am a health intuitive. Not just a health educator.
What if I was real enough to say that I can hear your soul and feel your body when we work together. And that is magic. ??
What if I know that, when it’s a right fit in working together, you will find healing and retrieve pieces of your soul?
What if I was real enough to admit that this skill has taken me a lifetime to develop. And it’s worth charging for?
What if I was authentic enough to say that blasphemy is as important as reverence in getting to know God?
What if I said I wanted to find the best book deal for the Sex Surge because I know it will answer a lot of questions, and change a lot of lives, and I want the biggest amount of service to women I can get?
What if I was as fierce at encouraging myself as I am at encouraging my clients?
What if I said I wished that I could write like other people (especially those women at Rebelle Society)? But that I’m starting to understand how I write is just fine. People read this, after all. ??
These questions are my truths.
They are not ‘what ifs.’
These questions are the best of me, standing at the door, ready to burst through into my life and make it as beautiful as my dreams.
And as I wrote them yesterday, and write them again today, I feel something different.
All that I have worked on up until now has solidified in some way.
All that I have worked on- all that I have become- is the truth and experience upon which I stand.
These questions have brought me deeper into my own fierceness.
They have brought me close to my own fire, and given it air to breathe and grow.
And asking these ‘what ifs’ is a way of blowing the doors off.
They are a way of asking what more I am ready step into.
Of being more me than I already am.
Of beginning to dream even bigger, even wider.
There are other ‘what ifs’ within me right now.
But I really wonder, what are the ‘what ifs’ within you?
What if your art business really took off?
What if your heart was stitched back together?
What if you quit that (shit) job?
What if you told your mother not to come for your birthday?
What if you said what you think about that project?
What if your marriage got juicy?
What if you started running again?
‘What if’ is the way of dreams.
And dreams are the way of soul.