Hey! Last week I was in the Lac Brome area of Quebec, vacationing. I left you all those lovely pictures, planning to write loads when I got back. So sorry! That is not what happened at all. Here is a picture of the lake…and a new post.
For almost a year now, I have been on medication for an under-active thyroid. And while my bloodsugars have stabilized and my joint pain has gone away, I have also gained 12 pounds and lost 3/4 of my hair.
This was not the outcome I was hoping for.
(In addition, it seems I may have blown out my adrenals and hypothalamus. Yay.)
As I was pondering what else I could possibly do to help myself, I realized that I had not really thought about the spiritual implications of my low thyroid diagnosis. I have been doing lots of work on the physical issues – how it functions, what it needs to function well – but not much on the emotional or symbolic side of things.
They thyroid is located in the throat, and – spiritually/symbolically/energetically – the throat has to do with communication. This idea comes from Ayurvedic medicine (a system related to Yogic philosophy) and the chakras. Chakras are invisible wheels of energy that interact with the body and provide energy for various functions of the body.
I thought that a ritual of communication might be helpful. I realized there were certainly lots of things I have left unsaid in my life– and perhaps those were just sitting in the chakra, making the energy (and my thyroid) sluggish.
On the appointed day, I sat at my home altar, lit candles, asked for the support of anyone I could think of (we’re not picky when we’re needy), and said a prayer- that whatever was no longer needed, no longer useful, no longer necessary, would find its way out of my throat chakra so that my thyroid could heal more. [I also set up a little ‘energetic filter’ – asking The Great Whoever to only let through the filter whatever energies were helpful. Anything else just dropped down to the Earth to be washed and recycled.]
For the next hour, I said whatever came to mind. Much of it was negative – things I wish I could have said to people, if I’d had the guts or the quick wit. Some of it was positive- things I had not said to my children about their goodness or capabilities.
What surprised me the most, though, was what came up about That Guy.
For twenty minutes I said things I wish I had said for the last four years. Some of it was angry, some of it was sad, but most of it was about beauty.
Over and over, in many different ways, I have held inside of my throat the desire to tell him how beautiful he was to me.
It was not just about how he looked (although, certainly his physical appearance aided my attraction and the blooming of my sensual and sexual feelings).
It was about how he talked. And what he said.
The hurts and questions he shared with me.
The wishes and dreams.
The way he smiled (sorta crooked).
The anger and frustration he felt.
His loyalty and precision.
His darkness. His past. His weariness.
His dedication and missed joy and impenetrable patience.
Over and over, I wanted to show him his beauty.
Because that was all I could see.
I talked about many other things in my life that had gone unsaid. Things to old bosses and boyfriends. Stupid women I cannot stand. Entities and theories got my words, too.
At the end of the ritual I offered my humility and gratitude (again), said my prayers, and blew out the candle.
My throat didn’t exactly feel different, but my mind and body felt lighter.
::: ::: ::: :::
Reflecting on what happened, I made a very important connection and completion: the beauty I saw in him was the emotional connection I felt for him.
During the phase of my most intense feelings for That Guy, I knew I didn’t love him. I lusted, for sure. But not love- not even close. I could see from the ritual, it was his beauty that drew me in. And the desire to tell him of his beauty.
I think he was someone that needed to be encouraged, to be seen for his goodness and beauty. And, above all else, I am a fierce encourager and supporter. To find someone who needs what we so easily give…that is very compelling.
It was compelling enough for me to want (and need) to say it, all these years later.
::: ::: ::: :::
What I also remembered was that the beauty I saw in him was the beauty I needed to see in myself. I, too, am as compellingly beautiful to my own soul as he was to me.
All the good I so easily saw in him was also goodness in myself. I needed to accept that and welcome it into my new awareness of myself.
A day later I sat at my altar and cried for my own unrecognized beauty – and began to accept it as the goodgoldjoy of my soul.
::: ::: ::: :::
There are at least three healings that happened as a result of speaking my truth. My psyche and spirit got cleaned out. My understanding of myself and my attraction to That Guy got clarified. And my awareness of my own beauty increased.
My thyroid, well…that remains to be seen. With energetic work, you never really know.
What I trust is that what needed to be healed through that ceremony was.
And that is a huge gift.