I am such a whiner.

And here’s why it’s awesome that I know that.

 

For years now, I have lamented my unfulfilled desire for That Guy (a person I was attracted to during my Sex Surge). I’ve been struggling with it and trying to find ways around it, though it, healing it, fulfilling it with other resources, et cetera, et cetera.

I have actually done a lot of good work on the issue. Changed myself, my perspective, my ideas on desire. Learned new skills. Felt pain and joy and excitement as I learned to let things go and embrace my desires. I am different and I see the world differently now. I know a shit-ton more about desire and sensuality, that’s for sure.

Since the end of July, Venus has been in retrograde. And this means that the planet of love, sex, and relationships is moving in such a way that our old stories, experiences, relationships, or ideas about love, sex, and relationships are up for examination. Retrograde is often a time of spiritual and emotional housecleaning.

And over the last few weeks, I have been confronted with how much whining I have done on the topic of That Guy in the last six months.

I deleted an old post because of it.
I re-wrote this one because it was so simpering originally.
I have re-read a lot of my writing about the topic and felt utterly immature about it all.

And this is awesome because it means I’ve finally moved beyond the wailing and the whining and the unfulfilled desire.

It means I see my past thoughts, actions, and writing from a different perspective. From where I am now, those posts are embarrassing. And this means I have grown up, grown beyond, enough to look back and see my choices with different eyes.

[I don’t take down posts very often, because it’s important for me to see and own my journey. The one I erased really was not worth anyone’s time. And I have plenty more posts to remind me of my past.]

 

a loft apartment with wood floors and many windows, modern furniture

During this period of Venus in retrograde, I also had a dream. I rarely remember my dreams, so I try to be attentive to them when I do.

In this dream, That Guy and I were sitting on a beautiful sea-blue couch in a gorgeous loft (open spaces are kind of my thing). We were talking, although I couldn’t hear about what. But then we clinked glasses – lovely tumblers with something alcoholic in them – and toasted each other,

‘Well, we did it…’ I said.

‘Yes. Wow. We sure did,’ he said.

We both felt a sense of accomplishment and relief.

I don’t much care if the dream was my higher self and his higher self having a talk, or if Life was hitting me with a 2×4, or if my psyche was telling me something from my own subconscious. What matters is- the message, wherever it came from, was clear: it’s over. We’ve done what we needed to do, learned what we needed to learn.

::: ::: ::: :::

I feel grateful for Venus in retrograde and what she offered me to learn- that it was time to clean things out emotionally and intellectually.  I am grateful that I took the chance to learn it. I am glad to be done with this all. And I am glad to know Life is supporting me in healing, growing, and becoming.

I suppose, in some ways, I have been singing the “I Am Done Now” song for a while. I’m not sure what the difference is this time, except that I feel it deeply within myself. My body is lighter; my psyche feels lighter. And perhaps because I have been doing the ‘two steps forward, one step back’ dance for so long, now I can see and feel the progress I have made.

What I have also learned (or this is my working theory anyway) is that whining is a way of staying in the drama while also claiming to want out of it. Look, I’m as broken as the next person. Yes, I did want to remain in the drama of it all. But not anymore.

Today is the last day of Venus in retrograde. I feel really good about all this. My friend, Christine, says I am just at a plateau. She could be right- I have no idea what else Life has in store for me. I will try to accept it with more grace, though- and less whining.

 

Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story instead of the actor in it- Ram Dass

 

 

 

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