Tonight, a friend of mine is packing to travel across the country and tell her best friend that she loves him. Not ‘friends’ love, but ‘I want to make a life with you,’ love.
It’s a huge risk, for heart and soul and mind.
And, I am sort of jealous.
She is living from her heart.
::: ::: ::: :::
Don’t we all want this?
To live our dreams?
To let our heart out of its cage and fly free?
To love what we love and let it guide our life?
I certainly have.
When I was in the Sex Surge, I wanted to love someone with everything that I was. I wanted to show him every goodness that I saw in him and I wanted to encourage and support (mmm…and ravage) him. My heart was so full with everything I wanted to be for him and show him.
And I wanted to set my heart free.
To love, to risk, to let love guide me.
Even now I can feel the memories of this desire in my bones.
I wanted it so badly, I would have squashed myself into a very small box to be with him.
[To be clear: that’s not love, that’s desperation.]
But, my brain knew I would end up with a broken heart.
My love and support would never be returned; he didn’t feel the same.
And if I decided to love anyway, to take the huge risk, I would end up embarrassed and risk killing a perfectly good marriage.
Either way: broken heart.
Either way, I would be broken. And I know how hard it is to put myself back together after being broken. It was never going to be worth it. And yet…and yet, I so wanted to set the love free.
And so, the battle between my heart and mind raged.
::: ::: ::: :::
My friend, who is so brave, risking for love…my romantic side wants everything to work out perfectly, like a movie. I want her to go for it and have him accept her love with the same intensity and desire she feels. [And as I type this, all my fingers and toes are crossed. I have been sending love to this situation for days.]
My logical side lives in fear, though. It might not work that way.
Even if it does, there will be consequences to their love.
What do we choose when the heart and mind are at such odds?
There is only one answer I know. One that has always worked for me, even if the work was hard.
What has bridged the divide between mind and heart?
What has always provided the best answer to my most confusing questions?
::: ::: ::: :::
I believe in The Something. Call it ‘Life’ or ‘The Divine’ or ‘god’ if it works for you. [I have used many names, this is the only one that remains adequate over the years and the experiences of my life.]
I believe in Something that is more than the sum of the parts of this life, more than the sum of this Universe. And I believe it wants our good.
In order for the answers to come, you must believe in The Something. You must also believe it wants our best. And that it has an awareness of the biggest picture of Life- that it knows more than you do.
If you believe these things, you can ask for answers that go beyond the heart and the mind.
What is the highest good in this situation? Please show me.
Give me guidance for the best way.
What is the next step?
Show me what is best for my growth.
If you are unsure, ask. If your heart and mind are dueling, ask.
I asked these questions, over and over, during the Sex Surge.
And the answer was always this: stay with your marriage.
I knew the answer was the right one.
It was also a damn hard answer, because I still wanted to share my love.
But, that is how this site was born.
I turned all that love and desire towards myself, towards Life, and let sensuality focus my desire.
I also re-created my marriage and healed some old emotional wounds.
Over and over I returned to those questions, hoping that the answer might change.
It never has.
But the interesting thing is – it was the right answer.
It also let my heart love- not in the way I hoped for, but I did get what I most needed.
My heart and my mind had to work together to live out the dictates of my spirit.
The answer from The Something stopped the heart+head feuding and lead me to answers and truths I could not have found otherwise.
Spirit gave me a good answer, even if it was hard to carry out. But then, isn’t all growth hard in that way- pressing us up and out of our habits, into new (and scary) territory? Yes, it is exactly that.
As for my friend, I wish her the best. I pray that the next step in this journey is for her heart to find true companionship and love. In fact, my friend did her work and knows that this is the next step given to her by Spirit. Outcomes are not guaranteed, of course, but I also know that Spirit has her highest good at heart. And that she will continue walking her journey, no matter where it takes her.
When your heart and head are at odds, there is only one place to go – Upper Management. Ask Life, The Something, The Divine; she will guide you, even in your darkest moments of confusion, fear, or doubt. Ask and listen- the path of goodness for your soul will open, one step at a time.