I’ve been faced with a lot of demons and shadows in the last couple of weeks. It’s been really tough- emotionally and physically – but I have learned a lot about taking risks + making mistakes. I survived, I learned. And I really lived the process- staying present in the journey, not just looking to the goals for satisfaction.
In the course of all this, I have uncovered how an old story is holding me back. During a massage last week (with a super intuitive dude) I came to understand that I embody a particular archetype. An archetype is a meaningful symbol or theme. For instance, some women identify with the Queen archetype- they want to rule their world (there are light and dark sides to this, of course). I identify with the Lonely Priestess archetype.
The Lonely Priestess is the one who is too high above everyone else. She weaves her spells and prayers and benefits her people, but she lives far above them. They can’t touch her, in her tower. She is special, to be sure, but she’s also not quite human. And this leaves her alone, and sometimes lonely.
I have always been told I was too much.
Too high up for others to touch.
These labels hurt. They set me against myself and I withdrew. Which looks like loftiness, but isn’t. My ‘loftiness’ was a defense against loneliness. Because of my loftiness I have been lonely and unable to accept the love that is around me. Even a priestess, too lofty or not, is loved, though. And I ignored so much love around me because I was up in my tower, trying not to hurt anyone with my intensity|intellect|weirdness, and no one came to visit. (A rare few climbed the tower to find me, bless them.)
I have been so broken these last few weeks; the risking + the rejection, the feeling + the despair. And it has made me realize I cannot keep above my life.
I must actually live what I love. Down on earth. Being human.
This has kind of ruptured my image of myself. I am not who I thought I was (in so many ways). It’s been good. And it’s been shattering and my bloodied hands don’t want to pick up the pieces of the old life.
I just want to sit + love myself + look at the sky + weep + pray for rain + and let my hands bleed + sleep + breathe + touch the grass + touch my own lips + sleep some more +run the shard against my palm + rest for months.
And then, to sit up and breathe again + eat something good + think of standing once more + listen to my own heart + love myself + begin to walk again.
Less priestess, more human.
Wounded. Humbled. Healed. Just like everyone else.
And, finally, willing to be alive in just the way I am. Weird me. Intense me. Serious me. Smart me. Real me.
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Rachael Maddox wrote:
When you begin to see yourself in everyone and everything
When you can call yourself what you really are, without pretending that you are not
When your big bold life begins to topple over the edge of normal and into the realm of whole
And when you let yourself worry that this–this expansive way of being alive–makes you even stranger than before when you had no where to put your love […]
We are all so very vulnerable. No one immune. No one getting to play hookie in the health room during the math exam. Not forever, anyway.
We all eventually have to sit for that test–the one that exposes how little we know, the one that makes us feel like beginners again, the one that softens our ego and teaches us to ask for help, or say nothing at all and just be with our own tender limitations.
We are all creeps. All weird-o’s. And there is someone out there, someone so fucking special meant to make your creep stand tall like hairs on your back. Meant to remind you of your fragility. Meant to point you to your strength by illuminating your wobbly parts.
Sit for your test. Struggle to let someone see your vulnerability. Over and over and over again.
Passing’s not the point.
[See the full text here.]
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My massage dude was also clear that I am full of divinity + sensuality + creativity + power – I just need to open to all of it. This felt like a true story, too. So, as I connect with my divinity and sensuality, I find that I am even more human.
And thus, I am willing to pour myself into even more of what I love. Dancing (I am daring to take a Bollywood class). Tarot + energy + symbols. Self love practices. Self-empathy. Taking new risks and stepping into my power in work and love. Being weird in my own, alive way. And finally, finding connection and accepting all the love that has always been here.
Look at what a messy, broken human you are, Joanna. Isn’t it great?
Yes, it is.