Yesterday I turned 41. It was a wonderful day where I did something I’ve never done for myself before: I let everyone who loved me, love me. I actually took the time to open my heart and accept all the love people sent me. It left me in happy tears with a deep sense of healing and being loved.
As I wrote in my ‘Reckoning’ post, I was so excited to greet my 40th year, so hopeful to live it. And it was a really tough year. I can’t say that it was ‘awful’ – it was just tough. The lessons I learned were hard; I didn’t like them. But that doesn’t mean it was an awful year.
One of the things I did for 40 was write a giant manifesta about what I wanted and would accomplish. It was full of energy- and, in a way, that’s exactly what I got back.
This year is different, though. I read something a few days ago that made everything in my chest heat up and my whole internal world stopped. | read that to me again, I said. |
“Here is what I think about desire. I think it drives me crazy. Not because I judge myself around my desires or feel shame because of them, but because a desire is a longing or as the dictionary says an act of “wanting”.
To want, *for me*, in many situations, is self-loathing. Because it’s literally the worship of what I don’t have. It’s paying attention to what I wish for. It’s trying to find a feeling different than the one I am currently in – so that somehow I can satisfy it. It’s an escape for me. From being present.”
| From MaryBeth Bonfiglio’s ‘Seduce Yourself’ class |
Last year was a giant step forward in my ‘outward’ energy. This year, I am going inside and staying with the ‘inward’ energy. It is not that I won’t desire, it is that I will give my devotion first to myself and what I am, not the outward ‘what I am not,’ spoken of in this quote.
There is a part of me that has been asking for attention for years now. I wrote about it here. I know her, but she is growing. Now, she is also the one who does not hide her heart behind explanations anymore. She is slow, she is jeans, deep pink, and touches me with the gentleness of a new lover. This is also the part of me that is ready for a deeper connection to sensuality. She wants to bathe in the liquid love of sensuality.
This year, I am devoted to her. Right now, she is only a feeling. But I am devoted to holding that feeling in my body, and letting it grow and ripple into myself. We are falling in love with each other, already.
I am also devoted to curiousness about myself and exploration of myself. I am healed enough (and still ever healing), and this past year has been quite a transition. Now, I want to find new parts of myself. Whatever they may be- embarrassing, not fitting neatly into my identity, what makes me cry or feel ridiculous or joyful – I devote myself to my own truth.
I am devoted to my marriage this year. Not that I haven’t been. But even more, I want to pour more of my soul into this connection. Because he loves me so much and I love him, too.
I am devoted to my (biological) cycle this year. By living it, and living well by it. And loving it up. A woman’s cycle is her magic and I want to fill up with magic.
I am devoted to self-love and self-empathy. Oh, when I greet myself exactly where I am, everything shifts and calms. It is a practice I need desperately right now.
I am devoted to my children. To seeing them even more deeply, connecting with them in their unique worlds and showing them what support and growth really look like in real life.
I am devoted to self love. Simply noticing myself – who and what I am right now – and loving whoever that is.
I am devoted to my healing work. I am very good at helping people put their souls back together. And I wish to do more of that.
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Last year, I picked a song to guide me through the year (its was my New Year’s thing). This year, I have two songs (plus the one from last year, because it was so good and useful in guiding me forward). They both express something important about my year ahead.
The first song is “Sugar, How You Get So Fly” by Sugar Fix.
She’s something mystical in colored lights/
So far from typical but take my advice/
Before you play with fire do think twice/
And if you get burned don’t be surprised
Yep, that’s definitely the outward feeling of who I am and want to be. It’s also a recognition of how good a person I am and how much I’m worth. Back up: I’m fly.
The inward feeling is “Sweet and Low” by Augustana. The chorus is really the point for me. How it sounds and feels are the soft part of me that wants expression. (The rest of the lyrics aren’t that great- it is 99% the feel of that chorus that is speaking to me.)
Those, plus last year’s “Shut Up and Dance” will get me through and guide me, I believe.
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Last year, I did a project on Facebook called “40 Shades of Forty” – sort of a protest to the “Fifty Shades of Gray” thing, but also a document of my 40th year. Yesterday I finished it. Walking into 41 I know what I’m made of.
I am made of truth, health, love, hope, and faith. And I am made of my becoming. I am always me, becoming me.