It’s late, but I want to get this out before it magically turns to September.
I’ve been going through some big transitions this summer.
I moved. Into a house I really, really love. It’s every house I’ve ever wanted to live in, plus all the best parts of houses I have lived in. It has straight walls (which my Victorian did not!), central heating and air like in the West Coast, a loft (a loft!), fireplaces with brick and roughhewn mantles, and two baths, and a giant master bedroom. I am just in love with all of it. And I’ve wanted to be in love with a house so much- it all feels like exactly the right thing. It took a lot to get us here (including at least 3 really amazing meltdowns by me), but I am really enjoying the process of making different spaces and figuring out new systems and connecting my family in new ways in this house. The house is associated with the card of the High Priestess in the tarot. It’s a card of magic and family and sovereignty – all of which I feel keenly here. And the light! And the trees! I could go on, but I won’t bore you. I love my house and getting here has been a huge transition. But we’re on the other side and it’s so good.
I’ve healed and let go. One thing I am really learning and integrating is creating and holding boundaries- who and what will be in my life and to what extent? I am answering that in ways that make me happy. And the more I do it, the more confident I become and the better I feel. I think it’s an act of huge self love to say no to something that isn’t right for you- and that includes people, even ones who are your family, even ones who love you. I feel like I’m slashing tendrils of energy-suckers right off my soul. I feel better than I have in a long time.
I have entered a new realm of sensuality. One thing I came to understand this summer is what it means to let go completely into submission with a partner. I used to hate the phrase and idea of ‘being used’ as a woman, but now I understand it differently. ‘Use me’ – for me – means that I open myself as a tool for the pleasure of another, precisely and only because being with them brings me in touch with my deepest desires and pleasures. Any way he touched me would be satisfying, so I offered myself to him in ways that do the same for him; he was my pleasure, so I let him choose his own pleasure from me. Perhaps it isn’t ‘use’ but ‘fulfillment’- “let me fulfill you, partner, in any way you wish, because my desire for you is so deep and complete.” Yes, I think that comes closer to the truth. And how beautiful this truth is, how incredibly vulnerable and receptive and satisfying.
I’m learning to be a better ally in the fight against ‘-isms.’ One thing I have been learning lately, and I will talk about this more later, is that I needed to shut up and listen in order to be a better ally. It is better to be quiet than to open my mouth and fuck up. Listening also means I am not another white person consuming bodies of color. (I discontinued a budding conversation with a writer I admired very much because I was deeply afraid of doing just that- being another white woman who consumes black, male bodies. To be an ally, first you have to get off of the Becky train. Then you listen.) So I have been watching and learning. I have changed my language and watched myself think before I speak to try and catch as many of the ‘-isms’ I perpetuate as I can. I am beginning to speak up about such things- to help with emotional labor and not ask the marginalized to tell me how to do this job. So…listening and learning to do this imperfectly. It’s another step on the journey which I am committed to for as long as live.
Learning the hard lesson of surrender. Getting into our house was a bit of a paperwork nightmare. We also had to move several times (temporary housing!) and it ruined me a bit. There came a time when I had to just say, “this is how it’s going to go and I can either go or get dragged.” It brought me back to Taoist philosophy, honestly. When I left Christianity, Taoism was the most stripped down religion I could find. And it nourished me deeply. In Taoism, one follows ‘the tao’ or ‘the way’ -which is the energy of life. I had to learn to let go and follow ‘the way’ – because that was all there was to do in many moments this summer. I’m remembering that lesson and integrating it these past few weeks.
Figuring out what the fuck to do with this site. I pondered about this site a lot this summer. What had I created and used it for? Was that useful, valuable, serving? What was the foundation of this blog? Was that still true? And what I found out- and what I also decided- is that this site is a place for me to talk about and work through what brings me alive. My tagline is “Honest. Erotic. Rebellious. With God.” but it probably should have been, “Honest. Sensual. Rebellious…” because the sensual is what brings us alive in all realms of life. I think this means I’ll be posting more regularly, but also only when it’s something that sparks me to aliveness.
Every astrological everything says things are going to shift this next month. Into something easier, but also strangely wonderful. I hope so, because I feel like I’m already there. I’ve transitioned into someone new these past two months- someone I know better, who has more facets (including negative ones), but who also loves and accepts herself more than ever before. I’m better and more mature. And I’m ready to transition into what comes next here. Stay tuned, fellow travelers.
Joanna :: xoxo