Archive | November, 2017

moving forward using all my breath

moving forward, using all my breath/
making love to you was never second best.

| I Melt With You |
Modern English

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I have been writing letters and emails about sex and desire and sensuality and letting the data slosh around in my head this week and a ‘memory’ came up on Facebook that made me stop and realize how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned since I started this blog.

The post, which I had written a year ago, said,
“I am not a sensualist for the feather and bone people.
I am a sensualist for people who like holodecks and math jokes.”

It’s true.

I’m a nerd. A geek. A weirdo.
I like science jokes. And math jokes. And clever word jokes (especially double entendre!). And digging deeply into whatever topic is currently grabbing my attention.

I’m curious.
And I like to have my curiosity satisfied.
Curiosity is my only appetite, really. And it has lead me to so many interesting places.
And those places have helped me learn so much about myself, my life, my sexuality, and my sensuality.

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I know that when I stared this blog it was a place for me to process what was happening as a result of the Sex Surge. My libido was high, I didn’t know what to do with it except have sex, and I wasn’t getting enough of that. So, I took that creative energy (because sex is, at its essence, creativity) and started creating things here. [Kinda sad, kinda glad to be out of that phase, tbh.]

Gradually that morphed into re-creating myself by focusing on sensuality. Which started with learning what sensuality even meant. And then learning to pull apart sexuality and sensuality (they aren’t the same, but we treat them as if they were) and starting to live with an awareness of my sensuality (even, or especially, when I wasn’t naked).

You can see one example in this 3-part series: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

What I realized this week is that I’ve made a lot of progress in the last few years. I know my sensuality even with my clothes on- the thing that felt so out of reach in Part 3 is actually here.

I’m no longer afraid of my sensuality.
I’m no longer afraid of my sexual desire/s.
I’m no longer afraid of my own intensity. (Lots of people are, though, which is fine. You do you.)
I’m no longer afraid of living sensually on a daily basis.
I know a lot about sexual pleasure.
I know a lot more about sensual pleasure.

Sensuality looks different for each person. I’m an introvert, so my outward sensuality is quiet, if you see me in ‘regular’ life. I share my ideas, perspectives, and experiences here, and that can look like I’m brash or loud about my sexuality and sensuality, but I share openly here because this is a safe place to say such things. (Strangely enough, I can say whatever I want on this blog- in a totally public forum- and if anyone doesn’t like it, they are free to say so- or to leave!- but I don’t have to interact with them. Which is to say, I don’t have to read my comments section so I can say whatever the fuck I want and let any consequences go.)

My inward sensuality is really the key place where I have grown. If you take the time to get to know me, I will gradually peel my layers away (it takes time and I have to trust, which I’m not great at), and share my sensuality with you. (Which has zero to do with getting naked physically.) My inward sensuality is the place where I feel most alive- where I am most aware of all my senses and desires and enjoying each bit of life as it comes. There are 100 different kinds of orgasms and my inward sensuality is where I experience most of them. This inward place keeps me nourished spiritually- filled with the beauty of this Earth and this life.

::: ::: ::: :::

‘Making love to life’ was my mantra for the first few years into the journey of sensuality. I wanted to interact, intimately, with what Life had to offer. I wanted to seduce it and be seduced by it. I wanted to feel everything, to travel every emotion. I wanted to ask for exactly what I wanted and see how it was given to me.

This path looked like:
naming my prayers on a regular basis
being the Wild Heart
discovering that lust is not a problem
naming who I wanted to become and becoming her

And opening to my sensuality, learning from it, has been the path. Making love to life was never second best. I’ve learned a lot- and I’m so grateful for what I know. But I’m also curious about what is still out there to be learned. Curiouser and curiouser.

And so, if you find that you need the services of a sensualist- to help you bring more life to your life- I’m here. And I’ll make sex metaphors using Lord of the Rings or Star Wars references (seriously, let’s talk about how full body orgasm is similar to when Merry and Pippin set off the dragon firework, cuz that’s a thing). And probably a math joke. And pop culture. And myths. And some savage double entendre once we get going. But I know what I’m talking about now…and I’m here to help.

Big love, fellow travelers,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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slow hands

There’s a new song on the radio that I am digging, Slow Hands by Niall Horan.

I just wanna take my time/
We could do this, baby, all night, yeah/
‘Cause I want you bad/
Yeah, I want you, baby/

Slow, slow hands/
Like sweat dripping outta my dirty laundry/
No, no chance/
That I’m leaving here without you, baby/
I, I know/
Yeah, I already know that there ain’t no stopping/
Your plans and those slow hands/

Not to get too critical, but I’m not sure about that sweat metaphor. I get the slow part, but sweat dripping from dirty laundry is not what I’m thinking of when I’m looking for metaphors about ‘slow hands.’  However, if a dude is eating right and exercising, his sweat is definitely a turn on, especially if it’s from the exertion of waiting for my slow hands to work their magic.

I also dig the song because it’s very clear the woman is in charge and he’s ready to roll with whatever she’s got planned. Amen, my sisters. [Tip to the dudes: always make your lady come first. Read this book. Do what it says. And if you don’t know if she’s come, ask her. And if she doesn’t know, find someone to help you figure it out. Female satisfaction leads to male satisfaction, youknowhatI’msayin’?]

Anyway…I dig this song because it speaks to something that I’ve learned after 20+ years of sex: the slower the better. In any given encounter (sexual, sensual, intellectual, etc) each move is a step towards the goal (sex, orgasm, connection, etc.) and if you can enjoy each step, rather than racing through it, it’s so much more delicious.

I will also say that one thing I think is different about my generation (or maybe it’s just my age) is that I don’t assume flirting will lead to fucking (a greater theory is outlined in this post). There are 200 steps between flirting and fucking (maybe 300-400 if you do it right), and no one step guarantees that the next step will happen. Each step- each touch, each eye contact, each sentence- is it’s own stopping point, it’s own playground. And the more you see it this way, the slower it goes- but it makes each step that much more exciting.

I made the mistake recently of not clearly communicating what I was looking for in a connection and I think my acquaintance jumped to the conclusion that ‘connect’ meant ‘fuck.’ Alas, no. I’m terrible at hiding my meaning, so if I ever ask for a particular type of connection that’s all I’m asking for. If I want an intellectual connection, that’s what I’ll ask for. If I want a sexual one, that’s what I’ll ask for (although, the chances of that are 0.000001%; my marriage is really fantastic). And if I want slow hands, I’ll ask for that, too.

One of the things the Slow Hands song reminded me of was the love scene from ‘Top Gun.’ I re-watched it a few weeks ago for the first time in 25+ years (??) and the one thing I was struck by is that, in the scene when they finally get down to it, and Kelly McGillis is standing there in a white-collared shirt, and Tom Cruise is in his jeans…you realize either this is the second go, after the quick, dirty, ‘ohmygod, I want you’ round or, they have been going rather slowly and this is all the further they’ve gotten in a couple of hours. They are going so slowly because they want to enjoy it all. And, ohmygod, the thought of going that slowly that just sets my mind|body|spirit on fire.

Can you imagine spending an hour undressing your partner?
Can you imagine going so slow it’s painful? (Ah, the pleasure of pain.)
Can you imagine feeling every moment- every button opening, every finger running across hot skin?
Can you imagine being strong enough to not rush?
Can you imagine the heavy breath of desire coming from your partner as they wait?

Yes. That slow.
Go that slow.

 

 

The benefits of going slowly aren’t just about turn on. They are about connecting more intimately- don’t just kiss me- touch and smell and lick my lips. Going slowly is about mindfulness- notice my pleasure by noticing my breath. And noticing yours. Going slowly is about sensuality and enjoying all your senses in any given encounter (sexual or otherwise). This isn’t a list of What Turns Me On, what turns me on is the organic, curious exploration of every little thing. The benefit of going slowly is to squeeze as much pleasure out of each moment, each touch, each motion, so that you are completely full of, and completely entranced by, the experience of your partner.

Going slowly is also about the joy of tension. I am not great at holding tension, except in my imagination. In my imagination, the best, slowest kiss goes like this:

He gently backs me up against a wall or a car so my back is supported*. He steps forward and presses his hips into mine, just enough pressure to let me know he’s there. We connect from hips to chest like a zipper being zipped up, very slowly. His hands are holding my neck, pressing at my waist, running along my sides- everywhere. Look me in the eyes, lover. Look at my eyes, my lips, listen to me breathe. When I start to moan from desire, that’s the moment to lean in closer and put more pressure on my hips. Smell the nape of my neck. Keep waiting. And when I can’t help myself and I put my hands into the waist of your pants and pull up your shirt from the back just so I can feel your skin, then get ready to kiss me. Keep looking in my eyes- watch the smoke of lust darken them- and hold this moment. Because this moment is where we cross the line and never go back. Hold the tension as long as you can. And then, kiss me.

[This should take approximately as long as  ‘Ball and Biscuit’ by The White Stripes. Like, really, slow the fuck down.]

See? Awesome, right?
(I even turned myself on with that one.)

But in real life, I have had to learn to slow down. Eighty-percent of the time I’d basically just pull my partner down and kiss them**. I have no patience, sometimes. It has taken me twenty years to learn that slower is most often better. Twenty years of practice to really understand it and use it to my advantage. Twenty years to also understand that ‘slow hands’ is a tool you can use in a lot of places to enjoy life more.

So, try slow hands and see what it does for you. It’s great for sex, but it also applies to lots of places in life. Slow hands in the shower. Slow hands when you’re cooking. Slow hands when you’re dressing. Slow hands when you make the bed. Slow hands when you do chores. The mindfulness, the noticing, the enjoyment. Take it all in and let it nourish your body, mind, and spirit, because ‘Slow Hands’ and sensuality are one of life’s greatest gifts.

*Because no one likes to fall over when they are being well-kissed.
** I am short; everyone has to bend over to kiss me.

 

 

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new moon in scorpio

I love a new moon. I get all buzzy during a full moon, but a new moon usually feels grounded and cleansing. This one has been intense, though.

Officially, the new moon was yesterday, Saturday, Nov 18, 2017. (Sorry I didn’t get anything out!) In any case, the energy flows from a day or so before the new moon to a day or so after. There is still time for magic.

What’s the story with the new moon in scorpio? Lemme tell ya….

Lisa Schrader from awakeningshakti.com offers this:

The theme for this new moon is creating positive change out of challenging circumstances.

This is one of our most challenging tasks, isn’t it? To not collapse into frustration or despair, but to use that energy instead as fuel for transformation. That’s where the Shakti is.

To harness the support available to you with this New Moon, give yourself some time just for you in the next 24 hours, while the moment is ripe. A sacred pause to cozy up and attune to your own feminine heart.

New Moon moments are supercharged to support shifts in thinking, realignment with truth, a reset so you can get back on track. I invite you to join me in using the moment wisely.

You are a daughter of the divine; life is created through your body. Put a hand on your belly and rest in knowing that you posses that kind of awesome superpower.

From Chani Nicholas:

Scorpio is unwaveringly connected to its own sources of power. It asks for nothing but every ounce of emotional honesty that we’ve got. It does not sugar coat the truth. It does not shy away from the intensity of the moment. It does not cower in the face of a challenge. It bears down. It has the stamina to get to the heart of the matter. What some might call an obsession with the truth.

No matter the consequences, Scorpio will dig through and into what most would spend their life avoiding. Scorpio holds the horror, the shadow, the refused, forgotten and the feelings of betrayal. Scorpio is a repository for all things that the collective shuns from consciousness. Scorpio reminds us of what we have tried to leave behind. Divorce ourselves from. Wash ourselves clean of. But what we reject within ourselves holds a piece of our humanity. Everything in us is connected. From the praiseworthy to our greatest disgrace. We have to leave room for all of it. We reclaim our power overtime if we refuse to deny the truth.

Sitting with Venus and Jupiter, this new moon wants to help us transmute poisons into potions for our transformation. Venus is the planet of love. The bringer of bonding. When in Scorpio, Venus knows that love requires us to be tough and tender. Love demands the entirety of us. It requires that we go through underworlds if we want to experience the highs of healing that love’s transformations can bring.

 

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

 

Marybeth Bonfiglio offers tarot readings for each sign in the new moon. My Aquarius reading is for the card ‘Strength:’

There has been a power surging through you, an energy you are not sure what to do with. Maybe with some of you, it’s gotten stuck in places in your body, in stories on your timeline, in space in the dreamtime. This energy is slaying the beasts within you. The ones that bring you anxiety, panic, rage- the ones that constantly make you go into trauma shock. Feelings that don’t feel good or true, they are something you carry that’s not really you. This power is a reckoning, like what is happening without, in this world, in nature too, it’s happening within you as well.

Strength is coming through your body in it’s own way and it’s own force. It’s pulsing and making you feel mad, restless, unable to sleep well at night. It’s making you want to re-live old mistakes, choices of the past that you need to be done with. But you are holding fast – you are becoming courage/strength.

This card comes in and says a few things. First, feel this energy, like really feel it. In it’s other worldly discomfort, it’s also deeply seductive and sensual. It’s of fire and alchemy. So learn how to dig into it and like it. And then it says, be compassionate. Be gentle with yourself even in your bad ass beast slaying cycle, be gentle, like a cozy little kitty, licking it’s wounds in a strip of sunlight on an old wide plank wooden floor. It will be over soon. Let the beast slay. Don’t stop it before it’s done. Revel in it. Rejoice. Rest. Rise. Be Fire.

 

Naimonu James (a new fave!) offers a reading of this week (not just the new moon) and four questions:

knowing that this may change over time and that is okay, what is my truth? how do i behave when i am aligned with my truth? (or, how will i behave when i am in my truth?)

if i am experiencing anger, where is it coming from? who is it directed toward? if anger is being directed at me, what boundaries can i set to reduce harm to myself and others?

if i am called to make shifts in my life, how can i make these shifts and not cause harm to myself and others? for i am sacred as are all beings. am i willing to commit to treating folks with the respect and dignity they deserve even if i am angry/sad/hurt/tired? what does that look like? how will i speak? what behaviors and gestures will i need to watch out for?

how can i get support through these transitions and transformations (for they can be extremely difficult)?

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What can I say except that, even in the midst of this new moon which usually feels so calm and lovely, all of this intensity is exactly where I am right now. It’s not the easy new moon I usually enjoy. I have been in the truth of my emotions for the last 24-36 hours and it’s been intense (even to the point of forgetting to take my vitamins- all my logic has just been…ppphhhhtt). I think that’s the energy and guidance of this new moon- whatever has been emotional for us, whatever has been desired, whatever has been pulling our interest- that’s our truth. (What’s yours?)

 

The new moon is for  planting intentions and hopes. I know what mine are: healing and hope. Healing and hope and shared understanding- and grace for the next steps.

Wish me luck, fellow travelers. I think I’ll need it.

Big love,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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mood.

if you deserve
honey
mine will flow from my arms to yours
no effort, no asking.
but, if there is none
and
you feel wind instead.
know
that my spirit already
senses that
when you smell sweetness
you
begin harvesting blades in your hands.

– kindness is a form of intelligence

| nayyirah waheed |

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This is what it
is to be wild
Wild is the strange
pull and
whispering wisdom.
its the gentle nudge and
the forceful ache. It is
your truth, passed down
from the ancients, and the
very stream of life
in your blood. Wild
is the soul where passion
and creativity reside,
and the quickening
of your heart. Wild
is what is real, and
wild is your home.

| Victoria Erickson |

::: ::: ::: :::

Tantra is one of the most important secrets ever discovered. But it is very delicate because it is the greatest art. To paint is easy, to create poetry is easy, but to create a communion with the energy of the other, a dancing communion, is the greatest and most difficult art to learn.

| Osho |

{{ i do enjoy practicing, though. }}

::: ::: ::: :::

At the peak of our stuckness, we habitually long for a sign that will stand out and call to us. We desire a signal or confirmation of the next right step or choice.

We long for inspiration and desire to return to our lives, when we feel desperate and depleted in the mundane.

The richness we crave lies in our ordinary, everyday lives. Cultivating awareness in each moment invites the possibility for deeper experience.

Intention and conscious alertness in our daily tasks, invites space for the aliveness we miss. Noticing details provided by our senses, being with the moment, and switching perspectives can all incite a magical spark.

| Gina Angelini |

::: ::: ::: :::

 

::: ::: ::: :::

Quest

Take me past
the guarded place
in you
where confusion
covers itself
in unrelenting confidence
then marches on
in lively steps.
Take off the facade
let it fall away
into nowhere
Turn around and face me
I search the infinite depth
where beyond all entrenchments
I find your thirst
to be met
and understood
the sadness in your bones,
the want of your silent cries
to be heard
and be known-
abiding within those
unseen landscapes
is a world of precious
dreams.
Let me touch where
the battle wounds
lie quietly healing-
Buried beneath
an armored sheath
rests a lifetime of love
and loneliness,
blame and triumph,
honor and defeat.
Within this blended web
of scars and treasures,
glistening with honey,
there you are-
I found you,
beneath the soldiers plated heart.
So loosen the knots around my own
see all its agony bared and mending
and in between each open space
we’ll breathe upon the frailty.
All the wishful longings to be had
bring to me yours
as I meet you there with mine.

| Susan Frybort |  Hope is a Traveler

 

 

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fear nothing.

Just a reminder, beloveds:

You are a ghost
driving a meat-coated skeleton
made from stardust,
riding a rock,
hurtling through space.

Fear nothing.

 

All my love from the road,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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