Archive | November, 2017

moving forward using all my breath

moving forward, using all my breath/
making love to you was never second best.

| I Melt With You |
Modern English

::: ::: ::: :::

I have been writing letters and emails about sex and desire and sensuality and letting the data slosh around in my head this week and a ‘memory’ came up on Facebook that made me stop and realize how far I’ve come, how much I’ve learned since I started this blog.

The post, which I had written a year ago, said,
“I am not a sensualist for the feather and bone people.
I am a sensualist for people who like holodecks and math jokes.”

It’s true.

I’m a nerd. A geek. A weirdo.
I like science jokes. And math jokes. And clever word jokes (especially double entendre!). And digging deeply into whatever topic is currently grabbing my attention.

I’m curious.
And I like to have my curiosity satisfied.
Curiosity is my only appetite, really. And it has lead me to so many interesting places.
And those places have helped me learn so much about myself, my life, my sexuality, and my sensuality.

::: ::: ::: :::

I know that when I stared this blog it was a place for me to process what was happening as a result of the Sex Surge. My libido was high, I didn’t know what to do with it except have sex, and I wasn’t getting enough of that. So, I took that creative energy (because sex is, at its essence, creativity) and started creating things here. [Kinda sad, kinda glad to be out of that phase, tbh.]

Gradually that morphed into re-creating myself by focusing on sensuality. Which started with learning what sensuality even meant. And then learning to pull apart sexuality and sensuality (they aren’t the same, but we treat them as if they were) and starting to live with an awareness of my sensuality (even, or especially, when I wasn’t naked).

You can see one example in this 3-part series: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

What I realized this week is that I’ve made a lot of progress in the last few years. I know my sensuality even with my clothes on- the thing that felt so out of reach in Part 3 is actually here.

I’m no longer afraid of my sensuality.
I’m no longer afraid of my sexual desire/s.
I’m no longer afraid of my own intensity. (Lots of people are, though, which is fine. You do you.)
I’m no longer afraid of living sensually on a daily basis.
I know a lot about sexual pleasure.
I know a lot more about sensual pleasure.

Sensuality looks different for each person. I’m an introvert, so my outward sensuality is quiet, if you see me in ‘regular’ life. I share my ideas, perspectives, and experiences here, and that can look like I’m brash or loud about my sexuality and sensuality, but I share openly here because this is a safe place to say such things. (Strangely enough, I can say whatever I want on this blog- in a totally public forum- and if anyone doesn’t like it, they are free to say so- or to leave!- but I don’t have to interact with them. Which is to say, I don’t have to read my comments section so I can say whatever the fuck I want and let any consequences go.)

My inward sensuality is really the key place where I have grown. If you take the time to get to know me, I will gradually peel my layers away (it takes time and I have to trust, which I’m not great at), and share my sensuality with you. (Which has zero to do with getting naked physically.) My inward sensuality is the place where I feel most alive- where I am most aware of all my senses and desires and enjoying each bit of life as it comes. There are 100 different kinds of orgasms and my inward sensuality is where I experience most of them. This inward place keeps me nourished spiritually- filled with the beauty of this Earth and this life.

::: ::: ::: :::

‘Making love to life’ was my mantra for the first few years into the journey of sensuality. I wanted to interact, intimately, with what Life had to offer. I wanted to seduce it and be seduced by it. I wanted to feel everything, to travel every emotion. I wanted to ask for exactly what I wanted and see how it was given to me.

This path looked like:
naming my prayers on a regular basis
being the Wild Heart
discovering that lust is not a problem
naming who I wanted to become and becoming her

And opening to my sensuality, learning from it, has been the path. Making love to life was never second best. I’ve learned a lot- and I’m so grateful for what I know. But I’m also curious about what is still out there to be learned. Curiouser and curiouser.

And so, if you find that you need the services of a sensualist- to help you bring more life to your life- I’m here. And I’ll make sex metaphors using Lord of the Rings or Star Wars references (seriously, let’s talk about how full body orgasm is similar to when Merry and Pippin set off the dragon firework, cuz that’s a thing). And probably a math joke. And pop culture. And myths. And some savage double entendre once we get going. But I know what I’m talking about now…and I’m here to help.

Big love, fellow travelers,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

0

new moon in scorpio

I love a new moon. I get all buzzy during a full moon, but a new moon usually feels grounded and cleansing. This one has been intense, though.

Officially, the new moon was yesterday, Saturday, Nov 18, 2017. (Sorry I didn’t get anything out!) In any case, the energy flows from a day or so before the new moon to a day or so after. There is still time for magic.

What’s the story with the new moon in scorpio? Lemme tell ya….

Lisa Schrader from awakeningshakti.com offers this:

The theme for this new moon is creating positive change out of challenging circumstances.

This is one of our most challenging tasks, isn’t it? To not collapse into frustration or despair, but to use that energy instead as fuel for transformation. That’s where the Shakti is.

To harness the support available to you with this New Moon, give yourself some time just for you in the next 24 hours, while the moment is ripe. A sacred pause to cozy up and attune to your own feminine heart.

New Moon moments are supercharged to support shifts in thinking, realignment with truth, a reset so you can get back on track. I invite you to join me in using the moment wisely.

You are a daughter of the divine; life is created through your body. Put a hand on your belly and rest in knowing that you posses that kind of awesome superpower.

From Chani Nicholas:

Scorpio is unwaveringly connected to its own sources of power. It asks for nothing but every ounce of emotional honesty that we’ve got. It does not sugar coat the truth. It does not shy away from the intensity of the moment. It does not cower in the face of a challenge. It bears down. It has the stamina to get to the heart of the matter. What some might call an obsession with the truth.

No matter the consequences, Scorpio will dig through and into what most would spend their life avoiding. Scorpio holds the horror, the shadow, the refused, forgotten and the feelings of betrayal. Scorpio is a repository for all things that the collective shuns from consciousness. Scorpio reminds us of what we have tried to leave behind. Divorce ourselves from. Wash ourselves clean of. But what we reject within ourselves holds a piece of our humanity. Everything in us is connected. From the praiseworthy to our greatest disgrace. We have to leave room for all of it. We reclaim our power overtime if we refuse to deny the truth.

Sitting with Venus and Jupiter, this new moon wants to help us transmute poisons into potions for our transformation. Venus is the planet of love. The bringer of bonding. When in Scorpio, Venus knows that love requires us to be tough and tender. Love demands the entirety of us. It requires that we go through underworlds if we want to experience the highs of healing that love’s transformations can bring.

 

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

 

Marybeth Bonfiglio offers tarot readings for each sign in the new moon. My Aquarius reading is for the card ‘Strength:’

There has been a power surging through you, an energy you are not sure what to do with. Maybe with some of you, it’s gotten stuck in places in your body, in stories on your timeline, in space in the dreamtime. This energy is slaying the beasts within you. The ones that bring you anxiety, panic, rage- the ones that constantly make you go into trauma shock. Feelings that don’t feel good or true, they are something you carry that’s not really you. This power is a reckoning, like what is happening without, in this world, in nature too, it’s happening within you as well.

Strength is coming through your body in it’s own way and it’s own force. It’s pulsing and making you feel mad, restless, unable to sleep well at night. It’s making you want to re-live old mistakes, choices of the past that you need to be done with. But you are holding fast – you are becoming courage/strength.

This card comes in and says a few things. First, feel this energy, like really feel it. In it’s other worldly discomfort, it’s also deeply seductive and sensual. It’s of fire and alchemy. So learn how to dig into it and like it. And then it says, be compassionate. Be gentle with yourself even in your bad ass beast slaying cycle, be gentle, like a cozy little kitty, licking it’s wounds in a strip of sunlight on an old wide plank wooden floor. It will be over soon. Let the beast slay. Don’t stop it before it’s done. Revel in it. Rejoice. Rest. Rise. Be Fire.

 

Naimonu James (a new fave!) offers a reading of this week (not just the new moon) and four questions:

knowing that this may change over time and that is okay, what is my truth? how do i behave when i am aligned with my truth? (or, how will i behave when i am in my truth?)

if i am experiencing anger, where is it coming from? who is it directed toward? if anger is being directed at me, what boundaries can i set to reduce harm to myself and others?

if i am called to make shifts in my life, how can i make these shifts and not cause harm to myself and others? for i am sacred as are all beings. am i willing to commit to treating folks with the respect and dignity they deserve even if i am angry/sad/hurt/tired? what does that look like? how will i speak? what behaviors and gestures will i need to watch out for?

how can i get support through these transitions and transformations (for they can be extremely difficult)?

::: ::: ::: :::

What can I say except that, even in the midst of this new moon which usually feels so calm and lovely, all of this intensity is exactly where I am right now. It’s not the easy new moon I usually enjoy. I have been in the truth of my emotions for the last 24-36 hours and it’s been intense (even to the point of forgetting to take my vitamins- all my logic has just been…ppphhhhtt). I think that’s the energy and guidance of this new moon- whatever has been emotional for us, whatever has been desired, whatever has been pulling our interest- that’s our truth. (What’s yours?)

 

The new moon is for  planting intentions and hopes. I know what mine are: healing and hope. Healing and hope and shared understanding- and grace for the next steps.

Wish me luck, fellow travelers. I think I’ll need it.

Big love,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

0

mood.

if you deserve
honey
mine will flow from my arms to yours
no effort, no asking.
but, if there is none
and
you feel wind instead.
know
that my spirit already
senses that
when you smell sweetness
you
begin harvesting blades in your hands.

– kindness is a form of intelligence

| nayyirah waheed |

::: ::: ::: :::

This is what it
is to be wild
Wild is the strange
pull and
whispering wisdom.
its the gentle nudge and
the forceful ache. It is
your truth, passed down
from the ancients, and the
very stream of life
in your blood. Wild
is the soul where passion
and creativity reside,
and the quickening
of your heart. Wild
is what is real, and
wild is your home.

| Victoria Erickson |

::: ::: ::: :::

Tantra is one of the most important secrets ever discovered. But it is very delicate because it is the greatest art. To paint is easy, to create poetry is easy, but to create a communion with the energy of the other, a dancing communion, is the greatest and most difficult art to learn.

| Osho |

{{ i do enjoy practicing, though. }}

::: ::: ::: :::

At the peak of our stuckness, we habitually long for a sign that will stand out and call to us. We desire a signal or confirmation of the next right step or choice.

We long for inspiration and desire to return to our lives, when we feel desperate and depleted in the mundane.

The richness we crave lies in our ordinary, everyday lives. Cultivating awareness in each moment invites the possibility for deeper experience.

Intention and conscious alertness in our daily tasks, invites space for the aliveness we miss. Noticing details provided by our senses, being with the moment, and switching perspectives can all incite a magical spark.

| Gina Angelini |

::: ::: ::: :::

 

::: ::: ::: :::

Quest

Take me past
the guarded place
in you
where confusion
covers itself
in unrelenting confidence
then marches on
in lively steps.
Take off the facade
let it fall away
into nowhere
Turn around and face me
I search the infinite depth
where beyond all entrenchments
I find your thirst
to be met
and understood
the sadness in your bones,
the want of your silent cries
to be heard
and be known-
abiding within those
unseen landscapes
is a world of precious
dreams.
Let me touch where
the battle wounds
lie quietly healing-
Buried beneath
an armored sheath
rests a lifetime of love
and loneliness,
blame and triumph,
honor and defeat.
Within this blended web
of scars and treasures,
glistening with honey,
there you are-
I found you,
beneath the soldiers plated heart.
So loosen the knots around my own
see all its agony bared and mending
and in between each open space
we’ll breathe upon the frailty.
All the wishful longings to be had
bring to me yours
as I meet you there with mine.

| Susan Frybort |  Hope is a Traveler

 

 

0

fear nothing.

Just a reminder, beloveds:

You are a ghost
driving a meat-coated skeleton
made from stardust,
riding a rock,
hurtling through space.

Fear nothing.

 

All my love from the road,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

0

risk and regret

[Was gonna start by apologizing and/or explaining my weirdness. Not gonna do that. Anymore. Ever. You’re either here cuz you like my shit or you go away. Simple. And it means I don’t have to explain myself. I’m weird and it makes me great; deal if you don’t like it.]

Sometimes I think about what I want to happen at my funeral.

I worked in a nursing home for three years as an undergrad. In grad school I worked at an HIV clinic and a dialysis unit. I watched bodies fall apart. I saw death.

And this frightens the fuck out of a lot of people. You have to be strong to handle the reality of death, I suppose. But the fact is, when you’ve seen it, you don’t really need strength, you just know it’s a thing that happens. In any case, I don’t feel somehow especially strong because I have seen death up close- I just feel like I got the chance to see the whole picture.

I have been given the gift of knowing that – short of being hit by a bus on any given day – I will live to either the age of 76 or 84. I am hoping for the long game. And that means that at my next birthday I will officially be halfway towards death. This makes me think about my funeral sometimes.

[Side note: I don’t actually think of my life as ‘half lived’ yet. We spend the first 20 years of life just getting to where we can take care of ourselves. So, I feel like I’ve lived 1/3 of my ‘awake and aware’ life. And I still have 2/3 left to go. Forty-two more years of knowing I’m alive and living is really a very long time.]

I will most definitely make them play “Mysterious Ways” by U2 (I have officiated 2 memorial services and they were kinda boring- I don’t plan on doing that). And the people in the chairs will have to endure either the entirety of “The Prayer Cycle” by Jonathan Elias or selected bits from it. And “Patient Eyes” from P.M. Dawn (it’s going to be a 90s music-fest at my funeral).

I would like to have someone read a favorite bit by L.M. Montgomery, but I haven’t decided what yet. Most certainly there will be a poem or two from William Stafford (his poem, “Epiphany” will always be a favorite). I have recently thought that I’d like to read them on video and play the video so people could hear and see me one last time. Mary Oliver might also make the list. I’d like a passage written by Elizabeth Lesser to be read and some chapters from the Tao te Ching.

I have also thought about making a video to play where I just sit there and say, “I love you” to everyone. Because that would be the truth. I might also make a list of the people who took more from me than they knew they should, but then I would say, “I forgive you” – because it would be true. Even if they were dicks. I would want to console everyone there by saying I loved them. But I think the living need not to see the dead person so alive, so this is still on the back burner.

 

Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash

 

One thing that happened this week is that I found a song I wanted to add to the list for my funeral. It’s “Kill Your Heroes” by AWOLNATION. I’ve listened to it a hundred times (iTunes says 68 times, actually), but something about it struck me more deeply this week. That I wanted to play that song, loud:loud:loud, as the last song before we left the place. And I wanted to play it because it reminded me of what it is to live.

I came alive a bit more this week. I reached out for a connection and felt really alive in taking that action. It didn’t work, more due to  a giant misunderstanding (about what I was asking for) and cultural differences than anything, I think. But it made me feel so alive.

I know what it feels like, in my body, to risk. To have my heart beat wildly because I am unsure of how things will go. (I usually only make calculated risks.) But this week- I jumped. I felt what it was to be seen as a fool. I felt what it was to know what I wanted and go after it.  I felt the fear and did it anyway.

And it was scary as fuck. I probably blew out my adrenals, I had so much adrenaline rushing through me. But, goddamn, it was wonderful and beautiful and I wouldn’t mind doing it again a few hundred times before I die.

I know that when I get to death, I want to regret as little as possible. And that means risking. And now I know it’s worth the risk, no matter what the outcome is. We all die. We might as well go out with the widest hearts we can- wide because we have opened them to what we want, to asking, to hope, to possibility. We might as well risk, rather than regret.

“Well I met an old man dying on a train/
No more destination, no more pain/
Well he said, “One thing, before I graduate/
never let your fear decide your fate.”

I say you kill your heroes and fly, fly, baby don’t cry/
No need to worry ’cause, everybody will die/
Every day we just go, go, baby don’t go/
Don’t you worry, we love you more than you know.”

Kill Your Heroes | AWOLNATION

 

I love you more than you know, fellow travelers.
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

0