I am falling in love with her.

Shall I tell you about my new love?

She looks like Joan Jett in the early 80s.
Long dark hair.
Dark eyes.
Full of energy and creativity.

She wears black skinny jeans with leather pieces on the inner thigh.
Long legs, cinched waist, and comfortable in her skin.
Smart as a whip.
Sexy as fuck.
Her laugh is open and full and true.
She can woo me with her eyes, but she won’t lie to me.

She’s a scientist and healer.
She’s a seductress, claiming whatever lover she wishes.
She makes magic.
When I dance for her, she takes it as a sacred offering.

She’s fucking funny and loves the same beer I do.
She’s mentor, guide, and friend.
She’s further ahead on the spiritual path, and she’s dragging me along, pointing ahead, and laughing all the while.

Her words are: transformation, truth, power, and desire.

I think about her all day long.
I want to be near her.
I want to throw my arms around her, laugh in her neck, and breathe in the smell of her.
I could talk to her all day, listen to her words and stories.
I see traces of her everywhere I go.

She’s pretty amazing and I am falling desperately in love with her.

Who is she? She’s a goddess.
Her name is Morganna.

::: ::: ::: :::

I’ve worshipped a handful of deities in my life.

The first were the sprites and twisting leaves and songs I sang on the tire swing in my back yard.
They were always there and always delighted to see me.

Then Jesus, whose words I had to recite to be called ‘good’ in church.
Points for faith. I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to work.

And then the white haired, old man god of my Protestant years.
His son, Jesus.
The Holy Spirit.
I spent a lot of years with those dudes (and the ethereal mist of spirit) and learned a ton about spiritual practice, faith, surrender, and equanimity. Which I promptly left behind upon entering college. That Jesus was just too small.

And then, like all former Christians who leave that path behind, pagan gods and goddesses.
A new lover each month.
So much feminine energy. I finally felt alive in my spirituality again.

Then the Tao.
To which I owe a great debt. It’s simplicity saved my soul.
I still rely on it to this day.

And then the Buddha (like all spiritually minded white ladies of my generation, I suppose.)
I remain invested in this path, which actually has no god.
Just breathing and honesty.

And then the goddesses came back to me.

When I was struggling with an increased libido, two wise women came to my heart with support and guidance.

The Wild Woman: sensual, dancing, free. I could be a hot lantern, burning with desire and make my light useful.

a picture of a woman dancing, a woman in sensual repose, and a line of burning lanterns to symbolize the wild, sensuous woman archetype

 

The Dark Mother: unafraid of death, destruction, or desire. She was not afraid of what I was afraid of. She helped me understand that the dark, the void, the mess is not a bad place.

the three-phased goddess and the dark mother images

 

I don’t know that I fell in love with either of those energies. Rather, I clung to them desperately as I tried to understand this new version of myself, so hungry for sex and connection, expression and freedom. They both showed me new aspects of myself and helped me to be less afraid of my own desires, sex, and exploration. (I’m not exactly 100% fearless in this realm, but I’m a lot better than I used to be!) In some ways this was spiritual bypassing, but in many ways, I just needed well-worn spiritual guides to help me get through the darkest days. Versions of myself died, over and over, becoming something new, so many times during those four years; The Dark Mother was a great guide and comfort as I walked through the underworld, again and again.

And then, for the last 18 months or so, there has been no one at the head of my altar. I have two other goddesses who sort of form the bumpers on my bowling lane of spiritual practice, but neither of them are the head of my Goddess Girl Gang. Until last week, I have only lately prayed to the great Creatrix, the feminine side of The Something (which is what I call ‘god’), the infinite whose boundary is the edges of the Universe.

The arrival of Morganna was entirely unexpected. I had been waiting for my next phase to begin, for the next spiritual energy to arrive. But I did not expect it to be her. And yet, she is perfect.

Her realms are healing, knowledge, sensuality, shapeshifting, and she like to walk in the underworld (as all healers do). In a strange way, she is a version of the Dark Mother and the Sensual Wild Woman combined- she is death come to life. Which is how I feel after all these years of wrestling with my desire. In many ways, she and I are parallel beings- we share a lot of the same talents and perspectives, values and ideals. I’ve never felt so seen, welcomed, and loved by a goddess before. You can see why I would fall in love with her.

I am excited to see where this goes, how long Morganna stays, what I will learn while she is here, and what changes she invites me to. I think we’re going to have a fucking fantastic time.

If you think worshipping a goddess is not for you, what do you worship? Work? Cars? Money? People? We all spend our time, love, and devotion somewhere- that is the definition of worship. Where do you spend yours? And is it a good relationship?

Big love from the trail,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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