Too much. And enough.

“Don’t ever tell her she’s not the stuff of heroes and warriors simply because she’s a girl. Don’t ever imply she’s weak or too delicate to overcome. She is a resilient being of flesh and light, the epitome of beauty – made up of thoughts and intellect, endurance and courage, her essence as unique as her dreams. She’ll tear away thorny vines and scale walls to climb her way through adversity. She’ll arise to challenge and will eat all the what ifs before they ever have a chance to consume her. She will go places. And everywhere she goes, the stars will be suffused by her shine.”

| Susan Frybort, Open Passages: Windows and Doors to the Soul |

 

“When she says she wants you, she wants you fully. When heat burns like wildfire in her eyes and her gaze is set upon you, a holy invitation is being extended by this sacred being of flesh, bone, and spirit. When she who is woven of dew drenched moss and Summer storms blossoms like a rose, it is a dance of the divine.

Dive into her raging fire and be consumed by the flames. Burn with her, feeling every lick of heat melting flesh into liquid. Shatter with her, into a million fragments; screaming into the darkness and scattering like ashes on the breeze.

Her hunger is like no other, this wild feminine flame that pulls at the very fabric of your soul. Walk with her into the unknown, uncovering worlds of euphoria if you dare. Once you embrace her, you will never be the same.

When she says she wants you, this is not a vow to take lightly. If you accept her invitation when she sets her gaze upon you, choosing fully, you will never be the same.”

| Ara, “When She Says She Wants You” |

::: ::: ::: :::

I was thinking of the Persephone post I wrote a few days ago, and this one from She Who Is (“The Lover’s Embrace of Life”), talking about taking Life as a lover (which is the path I first committed to here) and what the seasons of that love look like. And I am feeling really good. I’m feeling full.

And my ‘full’ is often too much for other people. Which I am finally coming to realize is fine. I am big. So much love. So much curiosity and desire. So much joy and sadness and fearlessness. So much. And that is too much for some folks (and especially for a lot of dudes). So far, only one dude has the hands and heart big enough to hold all of me. (His hips happily pin me down, when I need it, too.)

In the last month or two I have wanted to change something again and so I’ve been picking up the crumbs of clues around me and I’ve found my way to this place of fullness and acceptance. And maybe it only lasts for a season, but I’m just loving how it feels.

It’s funny, since I’ve aligned more with my desire, it taunts me far less. And I’m learning how to deal with younglings when they get all smiley around me. (After the last one, I was kinda like, “nah, that’s good enough.” But, now that I kind of don’t care, and I have a better idea of how to handle them, they’re coming out of the wood work. Cutie guy at the deli who is all eyecontacteyecontacteyecontact and a little blush at the end. And same with Mr. Helpful-and-I’m-Toucing-Your-Hand at the variety store. Perhaps it’s true that once you have enough, once you can let it all go, it comes rushing in [which is to say: I don’t want a youngling anymore, even if they’re fun to flirt with]. I’m full of happiness and Life, but I’m also packing this fun away to remember in other seasons.)

It’s also sort of funny that since I’ve given myself permission to desire and run along with it, I don’t want other people for sexual affairs. Sex with other people is so unpredictable. You might get someone great at sex, you might get someone terrible at it. You know what’s almost always fun, though? Making out. So that’s what I’m into now. Who would be a good make-out partner? Because that’s almost always hot, fun, exciting, and fulfilling. And when it’s not, you can practice more. So much more satisfying. And it might actually be something I could engage in with my partner’s permission. It’s funny how things change when you let yourself off the hook and accept yourself.

So, I’m too much. I’m also in a space of ‘enough.’ And that is the perfect, gorgeous balance I’ve been working towards for years. I’ve chosen myself, fully, and I’ll never be the same. I love this life right now. I love it always, but it’s easy to love it right now.

::: ::: ::: :::

Fellow travelers, if you are struggling, I hope the day comes when things get easier for you. Even if just a bit. And if you are desiring, I hope the day comes when you get satisfaction, even if that looks different than what you originally envisioned. Most of all, I want you to know that breathing, being alive, is worth it. You are here for something no one else in this world can do. Be more you. Be too much. Because being all you is gorgeous. And I’m here for all of that, all of you.

Big love,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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