All the things. And sex.

You know what? I forgot that it’s fun posting. So I’m just gonna post some stuff I’ve been seeing and some thoughts. [And actually it turned into more than that, so sorry for the brain dump on this virtual paper.]


All the things :: The mish-mash

I’ve been thinking about how we humans learn things the hard way and how life balances us out, eventually, maybe. And how Life will show you your path, consistently, and knock you on your ass as long as you ignore it. Until sometimes you get sick, physically or otherwise, from ignoring your path.

Under this umbrella, I’ve also been thinking about how sometimes you don’t know you want something until it’s gone. And how I have learned this. And how I have learned to get over it. The wisdom and compassion that comes from that. And how hard it is to have the courage to reach out for what we want, even when we want it really badly (sometimes so badly it scares the shit out of us and we run away from it; I’m so guilty of that). My courage sometimes takes weeks to find its shape and motion. But then, back to the original point: how much it sucks to know we want something only when it’s truly gone.

I’ve been thinking about how, when you let go of something, sometimes you get more than you wanted in return. {{ “The moment I let go of it, was the moment I got more than I could handle…” – Our Lady, Alanis Morissette }} This has happened in many ways in my life. And its always interesting to me. I often feel like it’s a test from Life: “Are you sure you don’t want this, now that you’ve done all the work?” But, it’s the last hurdle to freedom, I think. Can you finally let go? Are you finally healed? It’s still really tough work.

And, for whatever reason, I’ve been thinking about how, when you really want something, you go after it. At least until you don’t want it, or don’t want to do the work for it, anymore. And how dedication is a choice, and saying, ‘no more, ‘ is also a choice. At some Buddhist temples, adepts were only admitted after they had stayed at the entrance to the monastery for three days (whatever the circumstances or weather). Their show of mini-dedication deemed them worthy of further connection and instruction. And how much time do we dedicate to what we want or love? Even when no one is answering the door and letting us in? Three days to prove yourself. That’s all it takes. And yet, in this age of instant gratification, even small displays of dedication are rare. I have dedicated myself to many things, mostly my own healing and growth, but I have also learned that sometimes, it’s ‘three strikes and you’re out,’ because Life or other involved people let you know. And that’s also something to reckon with.

These are just things I have been thinking about. Related to my life right now, but also just reflecting on things I’ve been through in my life. Sometimes there are no answers, we can only say, “I lived through this thing and that is the only truth of it.” I wonder how other people deal with these kinds of situations, how they manage the unanswered questions and knowing that all they did was simply keep going some days.

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I’ve needed music that is quiet but joyful lately. And the album, Static & Silence, by The Sundays has really hit the spot. I especially love “Summertime,” “When I’m Thinking About You,” and “Monochrome.” Just lovely and quiet and fun and a good companion these past few days.

::: ::: ::: :::

I am definitely someone who lives by the moon. I’m not much into other stuff unless is Mercury in Retrograde or something equally impacting. But I read this today from Chani Nicholas and I thought it was lovely. Mercury is moving into Gemini or something and it is a time that requires this guidance, I guess.

I think it is a human thing, not just an astrological thing.


And the sex.

I read these two great articles this week:

How To Eat Pussy: A Magical Guide for Evolved People

How To Suck Dick: A Guide for the Awakened Mind

The articles give good advice, but I couldn’t help thinking, “Everyone likes it a little bit different, and that’s what you’ve got to pay attention to.” I’ve also been getting a recurring ad/article on Facebook that asks what women are thinking when they’re going down on a guy. To be honest, I don’t think you should be thinking anything other than, “Is he enjoying this?” and “Am I enjoying this?” If you’re not thinking those things, maybe you shouldn’t be going down on someone.

Oral sex is probably one of the most vulnerable types of sex because: teeth. Teeth that could really do damage to your most sensitive bits. You need trust to have oral sex with someone. But it’s also the most creative sex, I think. Maybe I just like being creative, but that’s one of the reasons I think it’s so much fun. What will delight my lover today? What new thing can I do to elicit a moan, a thrust, a biting of the lip?

Have I talked about this before here? My preference for using the tongue and fingers to give and receive sexual and sensual pleasure? They are super fun. Lips + tongues + fingers + hands can provide so many different kinds of pressure + texture + sensation. I have also only met two women who get off entirely from penetration. TWO. So, yeah, hands, fingers, tongues are dope during sex. Lick, suck, pop, twist, flick, go slow, speed up, moan, laugh, use the tips, flatten the tongue, have enough trust to experiment.

[Generally, female sex writers don’t talk about their preferences because the problematic-desirers tend to come out and start telling you they think it would be great if you’d do that to them, how they’ve been thinking of it, etc. (Go away, creepers. The only person I go down on is someone I trust and want to have a good time with. Creepers and problematic peeps are not on that list because you’re not trustworthy. I will not shame or judge your sexual desires; I will definitely judge how trustworthy you are with my mind and body.) So, yeah, I enjoy both giving and receiving the pleasures of oral sex.]

The spiritual side of oral sex is that it’s about darkness and pleasure. We’re told not to put our mouths on ‘dirty’ things, and for most of us, we were instructed that our genitals were ‘dirty.’ Symbolically, it’s an incredible thing to put what is ‘dirty’ in the place that nourishes us. One of the things I really love about oral sex is that you have to be really hungry for the other person- you must want to have all of them, to eat and taste and enjoy all of who and what they are. It’s ‘eating’ not in the sense of devouring someone and leaving nothing of them behind, but rather of finding nourishment (joy, energy, fulfillment) in them. So oral sex is about enjoying this darkness and wanting it inside us, being willing to do dark things in order to have the entirety of someone. It’s also entirely about pleasure, because oral sex is not procreative sex. Oral sex that doesn’t end with ejaculate in a vagina is a rebellious act: we are only doing it for the pure pleasure of it. Oral sex is one of the first sexual taboos we break (perhaps even before having penetrative sex, if you’re heterosexual). And I think it’s one of the best, because it truly opens up our sexual world beyond the Christian notions of what sex can or should be. (Obviously, there are other religious paths that limit sexual interactions, but this is the one I’m most familiar with.)

And I know I talk a lot here about having big sexual experiences- full-body orgasms, minutes-long orgasms, super slow kisses, sensual pleasures- but they really are not the end-all, be-all of sexual experience. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all and would not go back to tiny orgasms, but good sex is about mutual pleasure. And that doesn’t always look like a giant “O.”

I used to follow this guy who helped men with relationships (because, I wondered what dudes say to dudes) and he said that one thing you should do to ‘catch a man’ was give him oral sex, on your knees, and look up at him. And all I could think was, “Most dudes just want a decent BJ and someone they feel safe enough to tell the truth with.” I don’t want to ‘catch’ a man ever, first of all, but also not one who is so easily swayed by a particular blow job position and doesn’t care about how involved his heart is. Mutual pleasure is what makes a long-term relationship great. I do not believe that ‘the relationship is only as good as the sex,’ I do believe that good sex comes from a good relationship. It’s not a ‘chicken-egg’ deal, it’s a ‘mutually serving and supporting’ deal.

And then, today, I listened to one of my favorite dude relationship coaches, Jayson Gaddis. (Totally a dude’s dude, totally has his shit together on relationships.) And he was talking about how sex is “a vulnerable, tender, intimate place to learn about myself.” (Not just what positions you like, but who you are as a person.) Yes. All of that. That’s what good, enjoyable, long-term sex and relationships are built from.

[He also talked some amazing stuff about men who want to move from the ‘Frat Boy’ stage, where a dude tends to run from his problems (this stage can last a lifetime for some men), to the ‘Warrior’ stage, where a dude begins to face himself and work at what he wants so he earns it. So interesting, so important (and so many chicks want a Warrior). He talked about the three issues that destroy a man’s sex life and relationships, and how to get over them. If you want to know more about these particular topics, check his course “Relational and Sexual Warriorship for Men.” I cannot recommend his work highly enough if you want to feel strong in your self, your relationships, and sex. Pay the money. Do the work. It will get you the sex and relationships you want.]

Mutual pleasure is more important than amazing orgasms, okay? One of the wonderful things Jayson Gaddis talks about is learning to trust your cock (go look up the article on his site). It is the same thing for women who feel sexual and expressive- we have learned to trust our body and our pussy (or whatever you call yours!). Our pussy tells us when something isn’t right, and when something isn’t right, the sex is no fun. It’s about mutual pleasure. Even in Tantra that’s the goal. It’s the union of energy. How do you suppose energies unite? They unite when there is a space that is safe, trusting, and open for the giving and receiving of pleasure.

Also, and I will say this until dudes get it: make your girl come first. Your cock can bounce back from deflation on a hair-trigger. Her clitoris cannot. Take the time to fill all of it up with sensation, keep touching her clit until her orgasm is done (don’t stop touching once it starts! stay with her and her orgasm!), and gently touch her clit and vulva until she’s all the way done (it’s a super-sensitive time, but also bring her down gently, you know?). You will have a grateful, satiated woman ready to give you the same treatment.

There are a thousand ways to have pleasurable sex. They may involve a long-term partner, they may not. They may involve an orgasm, they may not. But the more you put pleasure and mutual safety and joy as the goal, the more exciting, delicious, and satisfying your sex will be.

::: ::: ::: :::

Okay, so that started out in a completely different place. But, that’s my brain. Eventually it all comes around to sex. Just remember that the desire for sex is the desire for life (I think Pamela Madsen said that). Enjoy it, live it, dig into it.

Big love from here,
Joanna :: xoxo



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