[This was originally a completely different post. It has been edited and re-worked because I liked this content the best and wanted to say more about it than the original post did. xoxo -J]
I read these two great articles this week:
The articles give good advice, but I couldn’t help thinking, “Everyone likes it a little bit different, and that’s what you’ve got to pay attention to.” I’ve also been getting a recurring ad/article on Facebook that asks what women are thinking when they’re going down on a guy. To be honest, I don’t think you should be thinking anything other than, “Is he enjoying this?” and “Am I enjoying this?” If you’re not thinking those things, maybe you shouldn’t be going down on someone.
Oral sex is probably one of the most vulnerable types of sex because: teeth. Teeth that could really do damage to your most sensitive bits. You need trust to have oral sex with someone. But it’s also the most creative sex, I think. Maybe I just like being creative, but that’s one of the reasons I think it’s so much fun. What will delight my lover today? What new thing can I do to elicit a moan, a thrust, a biting of the lip?
Have I talked about this before here? My preference for using the tongue and fingers to give and receive sexual and sensual pleasure? They are super fun. Lips + tongues + fingers + hands can provide so many different kinds of pressure + texture + sensation. I have also only met two women who get off entirely from penetration. TWO. So, yeah, hands, fingers, tongues are dope during sex. Lick, suck, pop, twist, flick, go slow, speed up, moan, laugh, use the tips, flatten the tongue, have enough trust to experiment. Listen to what your lover likes, and not just with your ears.
[Generally, female sex writers don’t talk about their preferences because the problematic-admirers tend to come out and start telling you they think it would be great if you’d do that to them, how they’ve been thinking of it, etc. (Go away, creepers. The only person I go down on is someone I trust and want to have a good time with. Creepers and problematic peeps are not on that list because you’re not trustworthy. I will not shame or judge your sexual desires; I will definitely judge how trustworthy you are with my mind and body.) So, yeah, I enjoy both giving and receiving the pleasures of oral sex.]
The spiritual side of oral sex is that it’s about darkness and pleasure. We’re told not to put our mouths on ‘dirty’ things, and for most of us, we were instructed that our genitals were ‘dirty.’ Symbolically, it’s an deeply rebellious thing to put what is ‘dirty’ in the place that nourishes us.
One of the things I really love about oral sex is that you have to be really hungry for the other person- you must want to have all of them, to eat and taste and enjoy all of who and what they are. ‘Eating’ not in the sense of devouring someone and leaving nothing of them behind, but rather of finding nourishment (joy, energy, fulfillment) in them. So oral sex is about enjoying the totality and the darkness of our lover inside us, being willing to do dark things in order to have the entirety of someone.
It’s also dark because oral sex is entirely about pleasure; oral sex is not procreative sex. Oral sex that doesn’t end with ejaculate in a vagina is another rebellious act: we are only doing it for the pure pleasure of it. Oral sex is one of the first sexual taboos we break (perhaps even before having penetrative sex, if you’re heterosexual). And I think it’s one of the best, because it truly opens up our sexual world beyond the traditional (read: Christian) notions of what sex can or should be. (Obviously, there are other religious paths that limit sexual interactions, but this is the one I’m most familiar with.)
And I know I talk a lot here about having big sexual experiences- full-body orgasms, minutes-long orgasms, super slow kisses, sensual pleasures- but they really are not the end-all, be-all of sexual experience. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all and would not go back to tiny orgasms, but good sex is about mutual pleasure. And that doesn’t always look like a giant “O.”
I used to follow this guy who helped men with relationships (because, I wondered what dudes say to dudes) and he said that one thing you should do to ‘catch a man’ was give him oral sex, on your knees, and look up at him. And all I could think was, “Most dudes just want a decent BJ and someone they feel safe enough to tell the truth to.” I don’t want to ‘catch’ a man ever, first of all, but also not one who is so easily swayed by a particular blow job position and doesn’t care about how involved his heart is. Mutual pleasure is what makes a long-term relationship great. I do not believe that ‘the relationship is only as good as the sex,’ I do believe that good sex comes from a good relationship. It’s not a ‘chicken-egg’ deal, it’s a ‘mutually serving and supporting’ deal.
And then, today, I listened to one of my favorite dude relationship coaches, Jayson Gaddis. (Totally a dude’s dude, totally has his shit together on relationships.) And he was talking about how sex is “a vulnerable, tender, intimate place to learn about myself.” (Not just what positions you like, but who you are as a person.) Yes. All of that. That’s what good, enjoyable, long-term sex and relationships are built from.
[He also talked some amazing stuff about men who want to move from the ‘Frat Boy’ stage, where a dude tends to run from his problems (this stage can last a lifetime for some men), to the ‘Warrior’ stage, where a dude begins to face himself and work at what he wants so he earns it. So interesting, so important (and so many chicks want a Warrior). He talked about the three issues that destroy a man’s sex life and relationships, and how to get over them. If you want to know more about these particular topics, check his course “Relational and Sexual Warriorship for Men.” I cannot recommend his work highly enough if you want to feel strong in your self, your relationships, and sex. Pay the money. Do the work. It will get you the sex and relationships you want.]
Mutual pleasure is more important than amazing orgasms, okay? One of the wonderful things Jayson Gaddis talks about is learning to trust your cock (go look up the article on his site). It is the same thing for women who feel sexual and expressive- we have learned to trust our body and our pussy (or whatever you call yours!). Listening to our genitals, our deepest sexual and sensual self is just as much about entering the ‘dark’ as oral sex is. Daring to listen to our cock or pussy is trusting our own body, which traditional religious paths tell us not to do. For women, our pussy tells us when something isn’t right, and when something isn’t right, the sex is no fun. It’s about mutual pleasure. Even in Tantra that’s the goal. It’s the union of energy. How do you suppose energies unite? They unite when there is a space that is safe, trusting, and open for the giving and receiving of pleasure.
Also, and I will say this until dudes get it: make your girl come first. Your cock can bounce back from deflation on a hair-trigger. Her clitoris cannot. Take the time to fill all of it up with sensation, keep touching her clit until her orgasm is done (don’t stop touching once it starts! stay with her and her orgasm!), and gently touch her clit and vulva until she’s all the way done (it’s a super-sensitive time, but also bring her down gently, you know?). You will have a grateful, satiated woman ready to give you the same treatment.
There are a thousand ways to have pleasurable sex- some of the most pleasurable are what we once considered ‘dark,’ like oral sex. Pleasurable sex may involve a long-term partner, or not. It may involve an orgasm, or not. But the more you put pleasure and mutual safety and joy as the goal, (so you can explore the ‘dark’ if you wish) the more exciting, delicious, and satisfying your sex will be.
Big love from here,
Joanna :: xoxo