Archive | astro shizz

Winter’s Sensuality + Imbolc

I will be honest: Winter is not my favorite season for indulging in my sensual side. It’s cold, and I hate the cold (my husband knows that, when I die, I want to be cremated. I detest the thought of laying in a casket, cold, for eternity). And it’s been really fucking cold here the last week, polar vortex and all. I’ve had to wear two layers of everything this week: pants, shirts, socks, gloves. It’s made me feel warm but also slightly inflexible. 

What I’ve come to see in the depth of this cold is that there is a lot to appreciate about the sensuality of winter if I look at it from a different angle: what makes me feel warm, cozy, and safe. Then it’s easy. 

Hot tea with cream + lots of sugar (what is tea if not a vehicle for sugar and cream?)

Being covered in afghans while watching a movie

Favorite soups and warm bread

Coming in from the cold

Flannel sheets

The funny little chugging hum of humidifiers (I am the Keeper of the Humidifiers at my house)

Ass hot showers with lots of lotion afterwards

Long hugs (hugs and hugs and hugs)

Giving myself permission to be a lump

Indulging in social media more than usual

Small reading breaks through the day

The sound of frozen leaves crunching when I walk the dog

Getting creative about keeping sex warm and comfy

Sweating like crazy on my bike on Saturdays (feels good to get red-faced hot, sometimes)

Wool socks and gloves

The sun finally coming back 

Winter’s sensuality might be slightly harder to find, but it’s there. And it worth indulging in, if you ask me. Winter is a time when we need more joy, more connection, more warmth, and comfort.

 I hope you can find the time and space to find your sensual pleasures during this time of year. It is helping me keep my sanity when I feel downtrodden by the cold.

 

Photo by Aliis Sinisalu on Unsplash

 

Today is also Imbolc, the half way point between Winter Solstice (darkest day of the year) and Spring Equinox (when the light and dark are equal). I could not be happier for this day because it marks the time when farmers would have begun to look at the signs for when Spring might arrive and begin planning for the future of the year. A favorite ritual of this day is to “bless the seeds” for the harvest of the coming year. 

Earlier this week I was having a very day-dreamy sort of day and I kept bringing myself back to ‘reality’ and focusing on the work I had to do. Turns out, it was a perfectly good day to day-dream, astrologically speaking. I should have gone with my gut! In any case, I think “blessing the seeds” of the year isn’t just about what we have to do in a practical sense, but also about what our dreams are for the year ahead. Yes, we traditionally do this at New Year’s but there’s no reason we shouldn’t regularly indulge in our dreams and desires for what we wish to create- and Imbolc is a great time to do this. 

Here are some things I’ve been dreaming about:

Getting my book about the Sex Surge edited and to the book designer.

Our travel for the coming year.

Concerts I’m going to see this year.

Plans for my own personal retreat (something I haven’t done in a couple of years).

Severing the final bits of an energetic connection. I couldn’t decide if I needed to continue with a “compassionate, soulful, seeker who is healing” energy or just go subtle “psycho hosebeast“* energy- but what I realized is that I don’t need to do either. I can simply continue carrying the peace I feel forward into the future and let the rest go. I love the fact that being a woman (and a witch) means I have access to the full realm of feminine energies, including the toxic ones, when needed. 

The husband and I had a big, deep discussion two nights ago. The one where we re-visit everything about our relationship, what it needs, what it’s based on, what we want- is it still working? is this still what we want? At one point I actually offered divorce as an option to fix some of our current problems and we decided to take it. Just kidding. (My husband said the sweetest thing about my offer, “I could feel, from the bottom of my toes rising to the top of my chest, a giant, ‘NO!'”) So we’re walking into some new depth in our relationship and it’s weird and new, but it’s also good because it’s more truthful than ever before.

I’m definitely day-dreaming about my future work. Not sure what direction it’s going to go, but it will definitely change. That is- is it not? -the definition of day-dreaming.

Playing with ideas for finishing the decorating in my bedroom and making it a truly cozy nest that’s beautiful and unique.

I’ve been thinking about my spiritual practice a lot. I want to deepen it and get back to some studying I’ve neglected in the last six months. More meditation, more reading poetry and spiritual guidance, more practicing with the tarot. 

Figuring out how to increase my social justice work. What do I care about the most? Where do I want to put my time and dollars this year. Also, getting rid of people who think Jordan Peterson is some kind of intellectual.

What are you dreaming of for this year ahead? Now is the time to go back to your dreams, your seeds, and bless them with your work. It will be time to plant them soon- to take up the work that results in harvest. But for now, it will do to roll them in your hand, dreaming of what they might become, and offering them the blessings of hope and desire.

May your desires feel beautiful, joyful, and worth your time.

Big love from the path,
Joanna :: xoxo

* it actually looks like the psycho hosebeast energy worked. yay! but also, after a couple hours of it, I realized I didn’t need it. so, also yay.

And hello to any new readers from my other site. Welcome! P.S.- Don’t sign up for the newsletter, I never send one. :o)

 

 

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The Beautiful Lessons of 2018

Ya’ll. I am so happy right now. Like, wow. Wildly happy.

Why?
Because I got the download yesterday.

You know the download? When you’ve been stewing on something and suddenly it all becomes clear?
Yeah. That.

I have gotten downloads (they might also simply be called ‘clarity’ or ‘solutions’) for many things in my life. I used to run women’s self-care retreats and would regularly get downloads for what content my fellow facilitator and I should put in them, how it should run from one activity to the next, etc. I have also gotten them for classes I’ve taught or a series of blog posts. And a variety of other things (including just what to do to turn particular people on- there’s no limit to what one can find clarity for).

I think this kind of clarity comes when we’ve been stewing on something for a while. For me, it often develops this way. I start thinking about something- gathering ideas, brainstorming, looking at details, imagining different ways the pieces could go together. And then- bam- it all falls into place one day while I’m in the shower (usually) or driving somewhere or drinking a cup of tea or laughing with a friend. I think it’s the ‘stewing’ part that helps it all come together in a way that makes sense.

I have also had clarity when I’ve been so frustrated with something and I’ve finally sat down and either bitched about the whole thing to a friend or wrote out absolutely everything about what’s going on and what’s in my mind and heart. And – bam – there it is. The download. Suddenly everything makes sense and I see why it all had to happen and how the pieces click into place to form the whole picture. [Pro tip: you can use both these tools for yourself and probably get the same results.]

That’s what happened yesterday.

I was feeling so frustrated about several things- personal, professional, relational, etc. I finally sat my ass down in a chair and just writing-barfed all over the page. I let out everything- every detail, every idea, every connection, every desire, every frustration. And when I was done, I asked, “What do I need to see here?” I got very quiet and very centered and noticed.

I noticed patterns.
I noticed places I’ve let go of my own power.
I noticed what needed to be fixed and how to do it.
I noticed who I am and how I have not been honoring that.

I found my lessons for the year.

 

Learn your lessons and the sky’s the limit.

Photo by Guilherme Stecanella on Unsplash

 

Typically, Fall is the time of year that I have insight into something about my life that needs to be looked at a little more closely. Often, that ‘thing’ also needs to be dealt with- felt, healed, put boundaries in place or change my behavior. This last year I’ve learned a lot of skills and new things about myself, but I haven’t been as focused on what I need to learn as in past years. I haven’t taken any classes this year, I’ve read only for pleasure, and that’s very different than in years past, so it didn’t feel like there was much in the way of lessons for me this year.

Except Life always has the last say, doesn’t she?

So, there I was, yesterday: sitting down and full of frustration and five other emotions. And I just decided to write everything out. Once I did, some things became incredibly clear. And I know they are my lessons for this year because once I saw them and understood their roots inside me and their impact in my life, I felt calm, clear, clean, and more alive.

What are my lessons?

To Just Tell the Fucking Truth. There are a couple of places where, if I had just been straight out about something, it probably would have gone a lot easier and better. Usually, I only tell one or two bits of truth at a time to see if people can handle it, or to see which direction they will take it. It’s easier for me to disengage if I’m not as invested (because I’ve not been vulnerable and not told the whole truth); it doesn’t hurt as much. I like to think my heart is always open, but maybe it’s not. And maybe I didn’t tell the whole truth because I was afraid of being hurt- and that fear turned things into a bit of a mess. If I’d just said, “Here’s the truth…” it would have all turned out much better (even if it hurt). I’m telling the fucking truth in 2019. Be ready.

 

Get On My Level or Leave. I give people a fuck ton of chances. And I realized I do this because it is rare for me to want to invest in people. Most people don’t get me. Most people don’t understand me or don’t want to. Most people are dumber and less strong than I am. And I don’t mind helping those people or hanging with them (to a certain extent), but when I find people I connect with and want to invest in, it’s rare. So I give them a lot of chances to hang with me. But that is just not working anymore.

I know that it’s hard to make decisions for some people. And I know some people need to feel 100% about something before they can jump, sometimes (although, that can also be an excuse based in fear). But I know I’m funny, smart, sexy, practical, creative, sensual, kind, supportive, weird, nerdy, beautiful, communicative, healing, etc. and if you can’t or don’t want to hang with that, I am finally good with it. There are people out there who see me and what I have to offer and have jumped at the chance to hang with me. Those are my people. They get me and they get how good it is to be connected to me. And I don’t have to ask them twice. In 2019 I am sticking with these people and not giving so many chances.

 

I Am Not Afraid. But Other People Are. I’m not as afraid to take chances anymore. I may think about it a lot. I may totally fuck things up in the process. But I do stuff and I think that scares a lot of people. Most people are afraid to change their lives, but I’m a change junkie. Most people are afraid of the pain of healing, but I know that pain results in pleasure. Most people won’t take risks of the heart or mind or spirit, but I will. And, again, I may totally fuck it up in the process, but at least I did it. At least I tried. And I know that scares the shit out of most people. I understand. It’s okay. It’s not a fault- safety is also pretty damn nice sometimes (there are skillful uses for everything). But when I’m ready to jump, I do it.  And that is not for everyone. In 2019 if you don’t want to run with me, I’m not going to hope that you try.

 

I’m Passionate. This Also Scares People. I’m ready to go, ready to walk the line, ready to party: once I’ve decided I’m ready, I’m ready. Like, all the way. I’m not afraid to talk about scary things, I’m not afraid of death (too much), I’m not afraid to make mistakes or go after what I want. And I think that really, truly scares people. Maybe it’s hard to keep up with. Maybe they need their own space and time so my pace and passion are hard for them to take. Either way, I’m not waiting anymore. If you want to run with me, you’re going to have to actually run. Lace up your shoes, grab my hand, and let’s go!

On this particular point I realized something very deeply: I have always done my best, felt my best, had the best time when someone – personal, professional, relational – has said, “Hell, yes, I want to do this with you!” and off we go. The plans might change as we go along, but it doesn’t matter, as soon as someone says “Yes!” then I am off like a rocket. And not everyone can do that or wants to follow.

It’s kind of funny…two of my favorite songs are about this kind of ‘yes.’ Say Yes by Floetry is one of the sexiest songs I’ve ever heard (ooooff). It gets me every time. And it is about this same idea that is now my lesson- that if we just say ‘yes’ it all opens up. I just need someone to grab my hand and I will take them to all the places there are in the universe. Just Say Yes by Snow Patrol is another huge favorite of mine with the same idea: just say yes, it will be fine, it’s easy…just say yes. And that’s really the case with me. When people simply say ‘yes’ to me, I make it the most gorgeous, honest, loved-up ride it can possibly be, whether it’s romantic, professional, friendly, or whatever. It’s just someone agreeing to let my passion flow between us and carry us both.

The lesson here is that I am not going to stop being this way and other people can’t always take that trip with me. And it shouldn’t stop me- it won’t stop me, anymore.

And, Jesus, it makes me giggly happy just to write these things down and feel the truth of them down to my bones, down to my deepest core. Oh, my god. Yes.

It’s the end of Mercury in retrograde today and it’s also a new moon tonight (my favorite phase), which means we (you) should be having more clarity about our lives and our patterns and it’s time to ‘plant’ what we’ve learned under this new moon darkness and let it begin to build into something real in our lives. These lessons are what I know now, and they are what I am going to be making my life from in 2019.

In these last weeks of the year, beloveds, I encourage you to take some time and look at your lessons for the year. Maybe you need to stew on them. Maybe you need a good word-barf session. Maybe you need to put the headphones on and dance like crazy until you sweat out your lessons. Whatever it is, do it. Make the space to find your lessons. Plant them for the new year. Watch you grow.

Under the dark moon, with all my love,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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Full Moon in Pisces

Whoops! I almost forgot that today is the full moon. My apologies! Like always, here we go…

 

From Aeolian Heart Astrology:

Full Moons are culminations of creative and emotional energies, bringing a sense of completion and satisfaction. The Sun’s opposition to the Moon creates an open dialogue between conscious and unconscious, blurring the boundaries blur between waking life and dreams.

This Full Moon in Pisces is also connected to the Grand Earth Trine between the Sun, Saturn and Uranus.The Earth Trine offers much grounding and support for you to rely upon, like a ship setting sail with a reliable map and a solid anchor.

The Moon in Pisces will be making a sextile with Uranus and Saturn, making it the point of catharsis. Thus, the Moon in Pisces will help you to dissolve and release resentments from the past so that much healthier patterns can take shape.

Both Virgo and Pisces are oriented towards purification, so when there is a Full Moon upon this axis you can expect a much needed physical or emotional purge making way for a great renewal of your spirit.

This Full Moon in Pisces will greatly support Virgo’s desire to cleanse mind, body, and spirit. It is the Sun in Virgo’s critical eye that will find all signs of corruption and disease. And it is the Moon in Pisces that will bring a great flood to wash everything away. 

 

::: ::: ::: :::

From David Lawrence Palmer:

“…It has been an extreme ride since June, and there were really no breaks in between. Feeling empty, while full of excitement, is not something to feel weird about. It is completely normal. This has been a major spiritual time that has brought all of out to our deepest core. We have had to pull everything we have out, while the Universe has shoved everything it can inside of us…There is a major shift at work to move us up the ladder of our soul journey, by quantum leaps. Our feelings about ourselves, our lives, relationships, and power has changed. The next story is about to begin with these new upgrades and deletions (karmic wise). Be ready for anything, but be ready for the path you know you must take. It has a ton of magic., but you must know how tou use it, apply it, and step into your integrity of true self. It is a time you will never forget, it has left us with a a mark, scar, and imprint that will be remembered, to remind you of the power of change in the world, and in our lives.” 

 

::: ::: ::: :::

Big Sky Astrology is saying big things:

“…Pisces is that feeling of magical invincibility that comes with falling deeply in love, the part of us that’s eternal and has learned to forgive. Pisces is present when you share your heart with people, and when you show their own hearts back to them in a more loving light. When you fall in love with them a little bit, even, and give them the chance to return the favor.

Pisces is also the nature of this particular Full Moon’s lesson. At the Full Moon, the characteristics of its sign are extravagant, magnified, and evident to all. On the night of a Full Moon, it’s almost too bright to sleep. And sometimes, things are revealed that we’d prefer to keep hidden away.

In the heart of the Sun’s Virgo season, as we strive to get organized and clean out our garages and file cabinets and figure out how to save a little money on the grocery bill, the Pisces Full Moon radiates a message of kindness and empathy. This might inspire a caring person to, say, donate the money saved on groceries and the unused stuff in the garage to a homeless shelter. You might even be inspired to invite others to join you, which is to your credit but must be done with care.

The Full Moon in any sign calls attention to that sign’s most important characteristics. In Pisces, it ideally illuminates the virtues of kindness and acceptance, like a wise friend who insists on see you as better than you know yourself to be. But with the smallest misstep, the emphasis tilts toward wanting to make others think better not of themselves, but of you.

 

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash

 

And from Chani Nicholas:

The first lunation to happen outside of Eclipse Season, the full moon articulates the vulnerability that Pisces embodies. With no shell, no stinger, no claws to fight back with, this fish is open to experiencing all that life floats its way.

We are asked to do the same on some level.

Pisces’ great skill and set back is its vulnerability. Sometimes overwhelmed by the onslaught of suffering and stimulation the world offers up, Pisces needs a way to release the psychic material it absorbs. It needs places to process. Cleanse. Release. Reset. Any therapeutic containers it finds for itself are incredibly important to invest in. Visit often. Return to. This full moon is affirming the healing we have attempted. That’s the thing with healing: with no end, no perfect way of doing it, the most important principal to practice is giving it a repeated try.

With a solidifying sextile to Saturn in Capricorn and an invigorating one to Uranus in Taurus, this full moon affirms the emotional intelligence that we have cultivated. The work we put into developing ourselves serves us in every aspect of our lives. Taking responsibility (Saturn) for how we may reenact painful patterns helps us to break free (Uranus) from repeating them. Knowing our stories, our pain, sorrow, and suffering is key to our freedom, pleasure, and joy.

They exist on the same spectrum and we need to know both in order to honor either.

The full moon in Pisces reminds us that being connected to the inspiration that lives inside of all life requires that we also be vulnerable enough to bear witness to what we have struggled through. Suffered with. Carried at great cost to ourselves.

May we remember that the examination of our stories need not be feared, for it is the very thing that contextualizes our tale, setting free the sentiments that can hold our life with the care it deserves.  

 

::: ::: ::: :::

From Black Femme Witches Brew (via FB):

Release of old wounds

Opening portal of romantic energy

Being in the right place at the right time

A new sense of confidence

A deep knowing of esoteric knowledge

An ending and a beginning

A purging of what no longer serves us

More joy filled days

Intolerance for drama

Resolution of debts

Increase of abundance

 

::: ::: ::: :::

Beloveds, it looks like this full moon has a lot to give us, if we will stay open and stick to our deepest point of integrity. May this moon bring you ease and grace amidst all the change.

In any case, go out and give her a big, ‘ol kiss and love this full moon up.

Big love,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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New Moon in Leo

Hello, friends and fellow travelers! I hope this post finds you well. Tonight is the new moon in Leo (with a solar eclipse), and you know how I love a dark moon. So, here’s what our guides have to tell us.

 

From BigSkyAstrology:

But at this New Moon in Leo—a Solar Eclipse, with the Sun and Moon square Jupiter in Scorpio—the impulse to break with the past and hurdle toward a new adventure is at least as strong as Leo’s desire to bloom where we’re planted. Breaking with the past can be very liberating, and sometimes the only way to initiate change is to act boldly and irrevocably. At this New Moon, we have a better than average chance to make changes that really mean something.

We live in reckless, destructive times. But seen another way, the world is in the process of recreating itself, and we are weaving change and upheaval into the fabric of our new future as we go along. Sanity tells us to be afraid, but faith whispers that there are no false moves now; however random, even capricious these changes appear to be, they are embedding themselves into our new foundation like stray river rocks and sea glass.

Perhaps this Leo New Moon season calls for a new glyph for the Sun – not a closed circle with a dot in the middle, but rather a labyrinth. A labyrinth has a single, unambiguous route we can follow to the center and back. We set forth in life on a walk through this labyrinth, and no matter which course we take, or how lost we sometimes feel, we’ll inevitably end up precisely where we’re meant to be.

The New Moon is a dark time. It is midnight now in our gardens, and it is tempting to suspect that chaos lurks in every shadow and to obey the limitations of fear without question. But while the New Moon in Leo is invisible to us just now, just below the horizon in the night sky, it’s still there, and we feel it even if we can’t see it. It reminds us that we are works in progress, and we are creating, every day, the selves we want to be and the world we want to live in. Even if there is much in the world, and in us, that could be better, Leo reassures us that it will be—because we are free to be whatever we want to be, and because there is so much good in us.

::: ::: ::: :::

 

From MysticMamma.com:

Oh the power of presence. Our presence = our power. In each moment we live we have the opportunity to stand in it. Truly stand.

Our Lion heart is so big. Our need to connect and feel loved is so strong, but sometimes looking for that external validation is what trips us.

Our inner Queen and King remind us to abide in the heart of Love. Roar who we are relative to Creation. Feel in our body that we are worthy and wonderful.

With compassionate love for Self, respect for Self and trust in Self, we can safely stand as Queen and King of our own jungle.

Our inner well is continually filled through our connection to the land and this animate universe that we are part of.

Once we are filled from that inner well we can step forth with maturity, poise, and a compassionate open heart ready to hold our pride.

When we anchor that acceptance from within, we create a sense of safety that allows for all to come out and play so together we can revel in the deep passion of Life. 

 

All the energy and intention don’t mean a thing unless you take a step.

Photo by Christopher Burns on Unsplash

 

The GoddessCircle tells us:

This eclipse cycle is bringing about big change in our lives. This can include very sudden or unexpected changes to our plans, relationships, lifestyle, living environment, or beliefs. We are reminded to have courage in the face of the unknown and to dare to dream. Take a chance and follow your desires. We are reminded not to get hung up on “how things have been done in the past.” This is a time of striking out in bold, new ways. Thins such as relationships, beliefs, and plans and our idea of our future are put to the test. This eclipse cycle is urging us to release what isn’t aligned with our truth and our desires. We are being reminded in all things as we move forward to follow our heart and to keep only what we want to build our world with. 

Unexpected changes.
Paths shifting.
Have courage in the face of the unknown.
Dare to dream.
Take a risk.
Don’t get stuck on how things were done in the past.
Forge a new path.
Relationships, beliefs, and plans are put to the test. 

::: ::: ::: :::

 

From Bairavee Balasubramaniam (The Sky Priestess):

As we fearlessly engage with with the wisdom and healing of the Heart, we also change patterns in ancestral, past-life, and collective karmic dynamics. There is so much transmutation possible at this time. So much of the old patterns that are rising to the surface to be cleared. 

You are being asked to look at the subconscious emotions and beliefs that allow or deny your access to an innate sense of sovereignty. Look at where you may be holding intense emotions- be it regrets, grief, anger, resentments, envy, false pride, and so on. 

This is exactly why you may want to set the intention to release as we get closer to the solar eclipse in Leo. It may happen at the click of one’s fingers, or it may take longer to manifest. Either way, your desire to release that which weighs you down, or acknowledge or transmute it, or whatever else may be appropriate – is what counts. 

::: ::: ::: :::

I have nothing else to tell you, dear ones, except that it has been rainy here in New England and I have felt slightly more at home this week. It took me ten years here to understand why New Englanders think that a rainy city, like Seattle, would seem so awful- the rain here is warm, the humidity is near constant in parts of the summer, and the wet never quite goes away until the dry heat of the last of August. In Seattle, the rain is always cold, and there is no humidity, and the wet stops when the rain stops. It is nothing like here, and yet, I always feel a bit calmer when the rain comes to New England in the Summer. We had a delightful gully-washer last night and it was grand to be awakened by the rain at two in the morning.

That’s all. Nothing but a note about my favorite weather. It’s been a long day and a strange week. Happy dark moon.

All my love to you,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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The Lion’s Gate

Today is 8/8 and they call this day ‘The Lion’s Gate’ in astrology. It’s because we are now in Leo (lion) season in the astrological calendar and other than that, I don’t know why they call it that. Ha! But it’s a day that is specially observed each year.

Looking at what various people say online about it, there are a lot of opinions about what today means in light of the fact that we have a solar eclipse on the 11th along with a new moon. I think a theme from all the things I’ve read is that this is the day is a portal. We can make decisions today- perhaps big ones.

In terms of making decisions, many of the planets have been in retrograde these past few weeks- which always shows us something more clearly, more obviously. If you’ve noticed any patterns coming up, or that you’re wanting something, or done with something, that’s probably the energy of the retrograde planets making things clearer to you. You can use today to decide about those things.

Leo is the season of play, having fun, and enjoying life. Leo also teaches us about ourselves- everything from how we express our skills and talents in everyday life right down to who we are in our most deepest self. And everything in between.

I love what Saltwater Stars says:

“You are the life-force you need to be familiar with in order to build trust with yourself and create the conditions, over time, to thrive. 

Stay hydrated, listen to your own body and rhythm, breathe as you can, and if you must use all your energy, focus on getting rid of all the bullshit you don’t want to take with you in this new era.”

That’s a prayer worth memorizing for all time.

I think today is a day for decisions. You decide to be done. You decide to tell them you love them. You decide to never look back. You decide to tell yourself the truth. You decide to feel. It doesn’t have to be something big. It just has to be a step.

Decide. Walk through the portal.
The strength of the lion will help you.

 

Photo by Jenny Marvin on Unsplash

::: ::: ::: :::

I’ve made a few decisions in the last few weeks. Some have been small. Some have brought a sense of deep calm (which is weird, considering they are about big things). I’ve been thinking about this site a lot.

I started it as a place to document my journey through through the Sex Surge. Sort of. I had to find a way to make what was happening to me during that time an okay thing. I looked for the spiritual in sex, for the divinity. Now, in some ways, that’s spiritual bypassing- using spirituality to go around the deep work of a difficult phase or emotion. But, if you’ve been reading for a while, you know I don’t shy away from telling the truth- even the dark, dirty ones. There are plenty of posts here that describe my anguish and frustration with desire, sex, and relationships.

But, I think that what I wanted to know was that sex and desire are, ultimately, okay (because I was taught the opposite as a child). And I know that now. Yes, I still get confused about them. Yes, I still want to fulfill things I shouldn’t (not so much lately, thank goodness). Yes, I still have to look back and remember “I know how to do this.” But I really do know that desire and sex and relationships are good things, high callings, and tools to wield skillfully. And a lifelong journey.

I’ve said other things here. Other ideas about politics and spirituality and racism and pop culture. I have a few more things to say still. But I think I’m coming to understand that the purpose of this site has been fulfilled. I know what I wanted to know back then. I’m not sure I have more to say because you’ve already seen the inside of my heart and my brain in these posts. I will always be changing and evolving and healing and living- and it will be different, but it will also be the same. And is that worth documenting? I’m not sure anymore.

There is a book called The INFJ Writer and one of the things the author says is that INFJs, if they can make art out of their difficulty, will stay with that difficulty until the bitter end. And that has been true here. I also know that as an introverted person (that’s the ‘I’ in INFJ) I share my sensuality and sexuality best with just one or two people. I’m not flashy in my sensuality on a day-to-day basis. And I don’t know that I need to talk about it here anymore, either.

Some of the small changes I’ve been working with lately are things like how I wear my hair. Last summer it was all ponytails- I felt energized and younger in them. This summer I have a kind of Victorian mop on my head that makes my neck look pretty with tendrils falling down my cheeks and across my eyes. I look my age. I’m thinking about letting the gray hair come in naturally. Gray, brown, and purple. I think it would be lovely.  I’ve also gotten better at holding boundaries. I am going to bed on time (like an old lady) and feeling so much better for it. I’ve swayed the social media algorithm to my side and now it’s more fun than it’s been in five years (because no yucky people* bother me anymore, of it they do, I don’t see it). I’m getting better and better at taking good care of myself – loving myself. And these small choices and delights and ideas tell me I am changing, too.

Living here, inside these posts, sharing my ideas and perspectives, it’s still very alluring. I will need to think more about whether I am done here. Because this space was always for me. I’m grateful to anyone who reads or finds what I say useful. But it was always a place for me to navel gaze and create and express- and I’m not sure I want to do that here anymore. I still don’t know. But it’s been on my mind, so I wanted to let you know.

I hope you’re all well, fellow travelers. And I hope you take a step into something new today, with the Lion’s Gate as your guide. It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to be right with your soul.

All my love,
Joanna :: xoxo

* These are folks whose behavior I find distasteful. They’re not yucky, they just get pleasure from bothering me online. They are both men, immature, to whom I offered the world. And when they said ‘no’ and I finally accepted it, they wanted, one way or another, to remain in contact. (What is it about that? When a woman says her final ‘no’ she somehow becomes infinitely alluring. I don’t get it. I know now that immature men get frightened when you offer them the world; they would rather deal with pieces or just the aspects of you they like. Mature men want the whole of a woman/partner. This needn’t be about age, my husband knew, at 24, that he wanted all of me.) So, instead of being the victim of the algorithm, I learned to use it for my own peace of mind.

 

 

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