Archive | dark

mood :: i wish i could speak like music

You get a double post today because I am in a mood.

I am tired of hypocrites. [even though I, too, sometimes do hypocritical things.]
I am tired of those who will not look at their darkness
I am tired of what may be worse yet :: to look at darkness and refuse to engage with it
I am tired of guns and violence [even though I am sometimes violent and born to a violent culture.]
I am very tired of inequality. Very tired.
I am tired of willful ignorance. [it is not even ignorance; it is stupidity.]
I am tired of needless death and suffering.
I am tired of needless death and suffering.

And yet.

All I want in this moment, in this mood
Is to sit with someone
chest to chest
and feel the warmth of their beautiful human body

I want to look into their eyes
and smile
and cry
and let all the love that is within me
vibrate into them

To cup their face in my hands
And kiss their uglybeautiful soul
with my eyes
my smile
my lips

In this mood of darkness
all I want
is to set love free.

 

::: ::: ::: :::

Perhaps Hafiz said it better.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I wish I could speak like music.

I wish I could put the swaying splendor
Of the fields into words

So that you could hold Truth
against your body
and dance.

I am trying the best I can
With this crude brush, this tongue,

To cover you with light.

I wish I could speak like divine music.

I want to give you the sublime rhythms
of this earth and the sky’s limbs

As they joyously spin and surrender,
surrender
Against God’s luminous breath.

Hafiz wants you to hold me
Against your precious
body

And dance,
Dance.

| Hafiz |

::: ::: ::: :::

A similar mood. Because I need the way this feels tonight. [just tell me I’m good enough]

Sarah McLaughlin in the way only she can say it:

Just let me try
and I will be good to you

::: ::: ::: :::

I love you all, fellow travelers. May we be very good to each other, may we love as much as we can, even in our anger, even in our fear, even in our weariness.

Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

0

ego + delusion + learning

He wrote other things in his text that felt the way a superficial cut across my forearm might feel. They hurt and stung, fast slices that surprised me. But they were easy to accept.

Then he wrote these  words:
“I appreciate your concern for what you think I might be…”

And those were the ones that sunk the knife into my gut and turned the blade. Those words cut me and killed me. Because they were the absolute truth and hit the wound of an old habit I have for seeing the potential, and not the reality, of people I care for.

In that moment, it was my ego that was cut down. I that moment, I realized how much I had deluded myself about what was going on, what was really going on, in my head. And what was going on in my head was not the truth. What was going on in my head was all desire and ego. And it was a delusion.

And his words brought the delusion to a quick and painful end.

::: ::: ::: :::

It was almost always mixed messages between us.

He said one thing but his actions were the exact opposite. [I can’t tell you what he was thinking, but the two things were never in sync.] Even as he said goodbye he asked me look at something from his life- to go, but also stay and listen one last time.

I asked him for coffee on my twentieth wedding anniversary. [To be truthful, I had gotten a new tattoo that day, and my dress was fabulous, and the heels made me feel super confident. I tried to tell myself it was just companionship I was after, but really…the daydream of tracing his collar bones with my fingers while we were wrapped in a tumble of white sheets in the afternoon sun (and a 1000 permutations of that*) was regularly on my mind. My actions weren’t 100% innocent, either.]

And we were from two different universes. Mine well over a decade older than his.*

We barely spoke the same language. I am long letters. [I will always be long letters.] I’m not sure that was his style.

Which is all to say: there was a lot of potential for misunderstanding and miscommunication. And that left plenty of room for me to fill in the blanks with whatever I dreamed. However much I hoped those things might be the truth, they were not.

And the reconciliation of truth and reality was that night and that text.

 

Photo by Ashim D’Silva on Unsplash

 

The thing about having your ego slain is that it hurts. It hurts psychologically. Because the view we generally have of a situation is tied to our identity, it is tied to our ability to perceive things correctly. And when we realize we’ve perceived them so incorrectly, it makes our ego very uncomfortable.

Most people run from this discomfort. They hide or deny or try to ‘fix’ it.
“It didn’t happen like that.”
“I always thought it was that way, anyway.”
“You don’t understand what I meant.”
Accusations. Defensiveness. Passionate retorts and explanations.

There is a difference between ‘fixing’ and ‘learning,’ though. When we rush to ‘fix’ a bad situation, to explain away a delusion or poor behavior, we are not learning from it. We are simply trying to make the pain go away by moving on as quickly as possible, by apologizing without true remorse, by painting over the mistake and pretending it’s new. Learning from a bad situation takes time.

You can understand a lot if you watch people and what they do when they make huge mistakes or are forced out of delusion. I once watched an ‘up and coming’ feminist marketer make a big fucking mistake with her foundational cohort. This woman claimed to be ‘woke’ in terms of racism, but actually did some really racist, sexist, immoral shit to other women, and especially other women of color. And when her delusion came to an end, I watched her try to ‘fix’ it. And how do I know she was fixing instead of learning? Because it took her 36 hours to start her comeback. You don’t learn shit in 36 hours. Learning takes at least three days. You gotta sit with it like Lazarus. Three days in the cave is the only way you’re going to even begin to learn. If you’re back at it in 36 hours, you’re just cleaning up a mess so you can keep your ego intact.

The pain of having our ego slain is a call to learning, though. It is a good thing. It is worth investigating and sitting with. The pain will point us towards the truth if we let it.

::: ::: ::: :::

It’s been a day and a month since he sent that text. And for the first five days I couldn’t even read it again, it hurt my psyche and my ego that much. (Which is a lot, because I can put up with a shit ton of pain, psychological and otherwise.) It hurt because I had fucked up so very much. I fucked up my perception of him, my perception of myself and my actions, and my perception of the situation. Many levels of fucked up.

So, first I sat with the pain it caused me. And that’s helpful but the next step is to go sit with the pain of what happened- to purposefully look at it and drink the pain like medicine. Because if we can do that we’re on our way to learning.

Learning comes when we look at our part in the situation. Learning comes when we examine our desires and wishes and hopes and falsities in the context of the situation. Learning comes when we see what we did wrong, in thought + action + intention, and decide we won’t do that again. Learning comes when we heal whatever it was that made deluding ourselves a reasonable choice and begin to act differently.

::: ::: ::: :::

That is what I’ve been doing the last two weeks. Having sat with the pain, over and over until it was tolerable, I am now beginning to behave differently. I question myself and my actions and intentions more. I do not immediately default to my intuition for insight about a situation. I admit to my dreams and fantasies if that is what the situation entails (it doesn’t always). I do not abandon myself in the search for connection. I think more critically about what data I’m using to guide my actions and to gain insight into others’ actions as well. I validate before I act more than I used to. I try not to have too much pride about my intuition or how ‘right’ it is (yes, it’s true: pride goeth before the fall). I am learning.

I am grateful for the fact that I haven’t heard a peep from this guy since our interaction. Nothing to see or read or deal with as I find my way forward. That’s a gift when you’re in the dark, knowing you’ve made a big mistake and likely hurt other people in the process.

I wish things had ended more smoothly between us, but I would not have learned as much as I did if it had been that way. I needed to be clearly and cleanly broken so I could heal and learn more deeply. Clean out the wound; reset the bone. I’ll never be ‘like new’ again. Instead I will be stronger at the broken place.

The pain of having our ego killed is actually one of the greatest gifts we can get because, if we let it, we can find truth inside the broken delusion. And if we can truly learn from our mistakes, we can become better people. That’s how it’s been in the past, I’m hoping it’s the same now.

I’ll be sitting here at Broken Delusions Ranch for a while yet. Come and join me if you need a friend on your journey.

Big love from the mistakes on the trail,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

* He was too young to be a great lover (in five years, though? mmmm…yeah), which is why daydreams are awesome. God, I love my imagination.

0

Badass :: Defined

Hey loves. How are you doing? I’ve been thinking of you for the past week. For whatever reason, Cyndi Lauper’s song, “Time After Time” plays every time I think of sitting down to write. I think you all needed that song. If you’re lost and you look, you will find me…time after time, my friends.

 

 

Photo by veeterzy on Unsplash

 

Today I was thinking about the people in my life who I wold consider ‘badass’ and it really came down to one thing: I define badass but how much you’re willing to work on your life. Yeah, badass can mean all kinds of things- daredevil, fearless (or stupid), carefree. But I think those all come down to breaking boundaries- that’s what makes them badass. In my realm, breaking boundaries for emotional healing and growth makes you a badass.

I think of people who:

  • say ‘this doesn’t work for me anymore’ to their spouse, job, or family
  • decide to work on the ‘shit’ they created in their own lives
  • decide to work on the ‘shit’ someone else left inside of them when they were too small to understand (which can happen even when you’re 33)
  • step outside a self-imposed box
  • decide to tell the truth :: about anything
  • cry for no apparent reason and decide to investigate that
  • reach beyond their usual relational habits to make something new :: or better
  • who open their heart when it still hurts and let someone else look inside
  • wonder why they do what they do and step bravely into the answer :: no matter how much it hurts
  • leave their family’s expectations of them and their life
  • dare to take one step towards a dream
  • leave behind even one script society has given them
  • believe in and protect their own hearts
  • who dance :: wherever
  • notice when the shadow shows herself and turn towards her
  • risk their heart + their love + their life to be true to their feelings
  • feel all the way down
  • dare to shine their light for someone new to see
  • make themselves small and then grow into their true self again
  • sit with their pain and let it flow
  • stay alive even though they don’t always want to
  • reach out
  • cry :: joy fear love pain
  • acknowledge the wound and heal it

I believe that everyone is doing the best they can- no matter how that looks to people outside the situation (cuz we’re all judgin’ someone!). But the badasses are taking it one step further and doing the work. They are breaking the boundaries of what their family told them, of what society told them, of the ways their heart has been broken, of the ways they feel broken. They are walking to the other side.

God bless the badasses. You’re making the world a better place.

Big love from the path,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

0

For the lost.

It is okay
to be lost.

Know this.

There will be days/
weeks/
months/
years

when all you can do
is kick the dust down the road

or sit and do nothing
but watch the trees

or scream into the air
even though it’s only you there.

You may notice that
your life has lost its color
not even the dingy gold of sepia
is offered to you;
only grayscale.

It is still okay
to be lost.

They (‘they’) will not give you any points
for being lost

But what do points get you anyway?
Nothing soul nourishing
nothing truly useful

And being lost is more useful
than perhaps we ever
admit.

Sometimes you will be lost in work
but safe in love

Sometimes you will be lost in love
but safe in your room

Sometimes you will be lost in the
small
.
daily
.
struggles
.
but safe in the structure they provide.

Sometimes you will be lost in your own breath
but safe in someone’s arms.

It is still okay
to be lost.

Because

//I promise you//

you will find your way again.

You will be different.
Life will be different.
There may still be no color
(because sometimes there is no going back)
but you will find your way again.

We are lost
over and over
in life.

Over and over.

Better to learn how ‘lost’ works;
a map with strange layers
[the soul is a palimpsest]
where old markings
take you a new way
every time.

It is okay
to be lost.

 

Photo by Michael Liao on Unsplash

 

 

0

New Moon in Capricorn

Hey, babies- so glad you’re here on this dark moon night. I swear my energy is so aligned with the moon and the planets. Saturn is moving into Capricorn as well (and will stay there for 3 years or some such thing) and I can just feel myself feeding on the energy of that. My INFJ personality really loves surprises, but I do best with a foundation of healthy habits. And Saturn in Capricorn is all about that- so I’m just digging it.

Anywaysies….let’s talk about this gorgeous new moon. Here’s whatcha need ta know!

From Big Sky Astrology:

We live in tough times, and there is a lot wrong with the world that is unfair and isn’t our fault. But Capricorn taught me this, and some days it makes me angry as a hornet: Just because something happens that is unfair or isn’t our fault doesn’t absolve us from our responsibility to try to achieve the life that we want. Whenever someone tells me about their problems and rattle off a long list of reasons why overcoming them is impossible, I know I’m hearing the self-imposed limitations of their Saturn. And the Capricorn Three Kings rise up in me to tell them, “Start focusing on what will work instead of what won’t work. Take back your life.”

The tough voice of Capricorn dominates this New Moon cycle, and I am deeply grateful for it. We focus so much on Capricorn’s toughness that we overlook its message of empowerment—that we are the authors of our lives, writing each chapter in real time through our decisions and choices. Yours is a story only you can write, and it’s one that the world is waiting to read. Make it the best one you can. 

::: ::: ::: :::

From Forever Conscious-Intuitive Astrology:

At the time of the New Moon, there will be a line up of the Sun, Mercury, Venus, Saturn, and Pluto all in the sign of Capricorn. This rare alignment is known as a stellium.

Capricorn is a cardinal earth sign which means that it holds the energy of leadership, hardwork, determination and groundedness.

Capricorn is represented by the mountain goat, and if you have ever seen a mountain goat, you would know that it is able to use its nimble feet to climb higher and perch itself in places that most other animals would not be able to get to.

This is a good way to describe the hardworking energy of Capricorn, and with so many planets, plus the Sun and Moon aligning in this constellation, we are all going to be able to make a leap of progress as we climb our own mountains.

This is the perfect time to take action in your life and begin making small, practical changes in order to bring more joy, abundance, love, success, and whatever other feel-good emotions you want into your life.

Capricorn is a very practical sign, so this is not necessarily about making bold, shocking moves in our lives (unless we feel called to do so), rather it is about making small yet effective shifts to get us closer to where we want to be.

For the last few years we have really had to focus on clearing and planning, but now we are getting a lot of support to actually put our plans into action. January is one of the most action-focused months of the year, so use this energy to your advantage and don’t be afraid to push yourself a little higher.

While this line up of Capricorn planets is really going to help us find our ambition and strength, this New Moon has a soft, intuitive energy as well.

While this is a great time to take action and express yourself outwards, there is also this energy pulling us to go deeper within ourselves and to really connect to that heart center. 

 

Climb the mountain; change the view.

Photo by fynn lehnert on Unsplash

 

From SheWhoIs:

Conflicts, cravings, and chaos. Those actively pursuing spiritual awareness and raising their vibration are most likely sensing disturbance and change at levels not noticeable to others. Odd pains, heaviness of limbs, a desire to sleep, foggy thinking and strange dreams are common. However, lovely synchronicities such as thing needed suddenly appearing, unexpected opportunities, and welcome surprises also accompany this energy. This moon longs to love, but karmic adjustments are forthcoming. Things are not what they seem; trust your intuition now more than ever. 

Intentions should focus on what ultimately aligns you with your desire, nature, and path. Prepare for resistance of things who do not serve and set them free. Many will be given most cosmic responsibility at this time, be present and answer the call. Time will shift in your favor, as well as circumstances, if you do not neglect what is being asked of you, in full consciousness and conscientiousness. Do not be afraid to ask for love. 

::: ::: ::: :::

Mystic Mama shares:

New Moon in Capricorn is calling us to rise from within and move forward with our deepest knowing.

We began the year coming to terms with what is no longer working and what needs to be let go of and now it’s time to move onward and trust in the unknown journey that awaits.

The beauty is we can choose to learn from our past and use our experiences as the fertile soil that will one day shoot new sprouts. Just as the dandelion seeds are carried in the wind to new ground, so we are held in the great continuum of life as it unfolds.

Pallas Athena, Uranus and Eris, that powerful trio is challenging the Sun/Moon/Venus precipitating crisis in our relationships, in the way we conduct our business, in the rules we break, in our ideas of what is ethical behavior, in standing up to address disempowerment and hypocrisy.

Athena and Eris, feminine warrior goddesses, are guiding Uranus to shatter what has gone before.

This has been an ongoing influence for months…Pallas adds additional support for the disempowered, the artistic ones, the energetic healers, political strategists, and activists. [from Pat Liles at The Power Path.com. ]

::: ::: ::: :::

Fellow travelers, I’m feelin’ this so clearly. I hope you are, too- if it suits you! Thanks for taking the journey with me and I hope whatever intentions you plant this new moon arrive with joy and ease.

Big love,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

0