Ya’ll- it has been more than a month since I last posted. Wow.
Actually not so much wow. Life has been a roller coaster lately, but in the best way. I haven’t had time to post. I haven’t had thoughts useful enough to post. And, in all honesty, what this space means to me, and does for me, is changing. I’m not sure where we’re heading yet.
But tonight I feel so grand.
Two days ago, I realized I hadn’t made myself a playlist in a year. Not that I hadn’t picked up some new tunes, but I hadn’t made a playlist of where I was at or what I was feeling in the last year. It kind of makes sense- this last year was rough, and I didn’t want certain people up in my energy (and my energy is my music), so the lack of playlists was a very good reflection of where I was at.
But it’s time to share again.
This post isn’t so much a playlist as it is a map of where I’ve been in the last few months, but via music. The little clusters of songs are like dots on the map of my life- places I’ve stopped as I’ve grown in the last few months.
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Mother’s Day and Marriage
People, my marriage is awesome. My partner and I are doing fab; just last night he was sweeping the dining room as we were talking and he said, “You are so perfect for me.” I love our love. These songs are what I’ve been humming since Mother’s Day.
Kat Dahlia | I Think I’m in Love
Falling in love with my husband all over again.
Crazy Town | Butterfly
I’m feeling so free and loved lately.
Depeche Mode | Home
A forever fave describing our love.
The White Stripes | Ball and Biscuit
He sent it to me from England. I thanked him when he got home.
New Stuff
New music that’s rockin’ my hips, my mind, my soul.
alt-j | In Cold Blood
Their latest. I love it. Still contemplating seeing them when they hit town.
Bed of Liars | Violence
I just dig this one. Loud. Very loud.
Coldplay | Strawberry Swing
Actually, old music. But it’s going to be the first song in my “New House” ritual.
The Summer of 7th Grade
No clue why, but I have been reminiscing about the music from the summer of 7th grade. 1988. Probably because I’m packing singles tapes (tapes!) that have travelled from the West Coast and another dimension.
Breathe | Hands to Heaven
Oh, god. This song. Full of my favorite emotion, bittersweetness.
Jon Secada | Just Another Day
I bought his CD as one of my BMG “Buy 10 for 1 penny” offer (along with Montell Jordan).
Richard Marx | Don’t Mean Nothing / Hold On to the Nights / Right Here Waiting
Dedicated to the three boys I desperately wanted to date in 7th grade.
Peter Cetera | Next Time I Fall
When Amy Grant went secular it meant we all could. I used that later when I left the church.
I’ll leave you with this. A seasonal favorite.
The Sundays | Summertime
We saw them on their last tour. They named their daughter Billie. I will always love them. And you will always find me inside this song in the summer.
Last Thursday, May 18th, I sat at my desk at 10 am and took two shots of tequila.*
One for Chris Cornell’s death.
And one for his life.
The life that came through that amazing voice.
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I haven’t said anything yet, because my grief is not over. Barely begun, honestly. The 3-day emotional cycle of social media is not enough for this death, for me.
Chris Cornell was someone I chose to listen to, a few years after the biggest rush of grunge. I bought Temple of the Dog as one of my 10 CD selections with BMG (only a penny, do you remember that?). It wasn’t a case of being caught up in the music of my generation, it felt more intentional than that. It was an adult purchase, inside of my budding adult sense of myself.
He was important because of his talent, because of his emotions and how much he loved Andrew Wood, because of how his beautiful voice conveyed all of it. But also, for me, because his voice and music fed the seeds of my self.
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Because I am from Seattle, I have a lot of friends back there, and with Chris Cornell being a son of that city, there were lots of memories.
A former roommate talked about taking a Chem class with Soundgarden’s bassist, Hiro Yamamoto at Western Washington University (my alma mater. I remember when he came back from class to tell us what had happened, how it had been discovered. Great story, not gonna tell you; it’s his business).
Another friend, who I knew had worked for the King County Coroner’s office (but didn’t put two and two together until she shared), talked about being part of the team that catalogued and packed up Layne Stayley’s remains when he was found in 2002 (15 years ago, my god). Another voice that can never be duplicated, lost to drugs. (“So many sharps,” my friend said, “so many.”)
And people who had served Chris Cornell around town. Or seen him in the early years. There was a comedy show in Seattle in the 1990s called “Almost Live” where Billy Nye got his start. Soundgarden was part of “The Lame List” piece once. (See also: ‘High Five-n’ White Guys’ and ‘Chihuly and Jones’ – INFJ’s have a terrible sense of humor.)
Who had not seen him in concert once or twelve times? When Lollapalooza was still a mud fest in what was the backwater of Enumclaw, WA. (For a joke we call it ‘Enum-scratch.’) I listened to each song as people posted their favorites and felt my own connections. I read some reports and some posts (this one is my favorite) about what his music meant. And I thought about why I had included him as one of the first members of the ‘Shiva’ board on Pinterest (which seems a ridiculous thing to say as a Gen-Xer: Pinterest). He embodied the full sense of masculinity to me. He was not afraid of himself. He had his demons, to be sure. But he explored so much of life, of himself- and made beauty from it. I deeply admire that.
I had last seen him when he came to Providence on his solo tour. He was on stage simply to have a good time with music. The kid who sat next to me was not born before 1996, and I took umbrage with his youth, but not with his taste in music. Chris Cornell as a god of both our youths. And there he was, taking requests, also denying requests, and just messing with music until it sounded good to him. He left the stage as a warped chord echoed so loud it hurt. It made your head buzz in the way you knew you would not be able to speak in a normal tone of voice until the next morning.
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But now, at 42 and with a master’s degree in mental health, one thing in particular stays with me: mid-life masculine depression. Yes, Chris Cornell dealt with depression and anxiety either due to or related to his drug use. But so many men deal with undiagnosed depression at this age. At the very least, it deadens them and kills their relationships, and sometimes their work.
I work with many women whose male partners suffer from depression (which has different symptoms than female depression). Male-specific symptoms of depression include physical ailments, anger, and reckless behavior. Men tend to turn their depression outwards, while women turn it inwards. And, especially for men, treating depression makes them feel inadequate. So they don’t treat it…and their relationships falter or they lose their job…and they feel inadequate so they don’t treat… You see where this goes.
There are a variety of reasons that depression happens in men. We all have inside of us the capacity to have every mental health disorder there is in the book. But the silence of it is what makes it so dangerous for men. As my friend, Jenifer said, “Suicide was stalking him (Chris Cornell) and we couldn’t help. How could we have known suicide was stalking him?” Only if he told us.
And the same is true for those around you. If you suspect you are (or your partner is) depressed, please seek help.There are lots of treatment options, many of which are not pharmaceutical (if that bothers you).
Male mid-life depression is a thing.
Male depression is a thing.
And you can have treatment and support.
The music of your life is deeply valuable to someone. Many more ‘someones’ than you suspect, probably. Your fans want you to live, just as we wish Chris Cornell could have.
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I think there is more to say about Chris Cornell’s death, but it’s not yet formed. I’ll share it when the time is right. And if you’re mourning- maybe it’s finally time for that trip to Seattle. Here’s my map. Visit ‘A Sound Garden,’ will ya?
Blessed be, Chris Cornell. Rest in peace.
*I’m not given to drinking much. I like a little wine sometimes, and some champagne on New Year’s Day. But Thursday morning I needed the burning gold of tequila running down my throat in the same way the hot tears ran down my cheeks.
Yes. Sometimes anticipation can be fantastic, and sometimes anticipation can be a bitch.
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My entire dating life, I was never asked out. Except Paul in Junior High who asked me to go out via a Hangman game. But otherwise, I was a self-made woman in the dating department.
From the age of 15, when I really, really liked Christopher (the tall, blonde runner) I started asking guys out. I distinctly remember hearing about women doing that- asking men out- on the radio or TV at that time (~1990 or so) and thinking, ‘that is a great way to get what you want instead of waiting.’ Because waiting for 15 year-old boys to ask you out was often a long game.
So, fuck that. I figured out that as long as I could handle the worst outcome (a ‘no,’ maybe even a rude ‘no’) I would be fine.
I asked dudes out.
It went great!
I went out more and got what I wanted- dates. And kisses and allthegoodthings.
And dudes readily confessed that they liked being asked out- had been hoping I’d do such a thing.
[Ego boost is always nice.]
But there was always a little part of me that wanted to be asked out.
Of course there is a part in each of us that wants to be chosen.
To be sought out because of who we are.
To be deemed ‘special’ and ‘worthy.’
[This is a bit of a problem for women, as we are asked to constantly judge our worth by whether someone wants us or not. Separating that honest human desire from social conditioning can be tough.]
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Cut to last year, I’m 41, happily married for 18 years, together for 20. My husband and I went to our local town’s “Grown Ass Prom” the previous year and were planning to go again that next year.
My husband, who didn’t ask me out when we dated- but worked hard to chase me down one afternoon at a tattoo shop after work!- knew that I wanted to be asked out. It was a dream I shared with him several times over the years, and he was always kind about it.
A few months before the prom, we were making dinner one night and chatting, there was a lull in the conversation and he did the sweetest thing: he grabbed me by the hand, pulled me close as if to kiss me, looked me in the eyes, and said, “Would you go to the prom with me?”
I did not need a ‘prom-posal.’
I just needed those simple words. That 8 word question.
What a thing it was to be asked.
Even after 20 years, twenty years of so much asking for so many things, he asked me to the prom.
It was just what I wanted.
I waited 26 years for that fantasy to come true. And it was so fantastic, I cannot even tell you.
There were no teenage worries, no fear.
Only love and support and a desire for fun.
I soaked in every bit of it- pulled all the details into my heart to remember them.
The guy I wanted most asked me to the prom, you guys!!
Fireworks, inner squealing, jumping with joy- it all happened.
It was so worth the wait.
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We went for the third year again last night. Below are the pictures of that night from the second year (me, because I looked fabulous). We had such a blast.
Meriwether in leather.
All the details in place.
We fulfilled every ‘prom’ fantasy we ever had that night. I got my hair done in a faux hawk; nails and toes, too. We didn’t see each other before the final reveal moment. We wowed the crowd at the restaurant and on the dance floor.
Official prom photo.
Yes, my husband wears eyeliner. He went in an ‘Adam Ant’ outfit and he looked fabulous. Do you know what kind of balls it takes to pull that off? You gotta be real secure in your sense of self to do that. You have to know who you are. My man is fearless. Which is why I love him so. Even as I write this, it turns me on. We’d do anything to support each other- and we do.
The morning after.
Our prom night fantasy ended the way it should- with my dress on the floor next to our bed. A good time was had by all.
[and if that thought terrifies you as it relates to the person you’re with, you need to find a new person.]
Today is about half way between the night my husband and I got engaged and the night we had our first date. This year will be our 20th year married and our 21st year together. We’re better than we’ve ever been and I find myself in gratitude for him every day lately. We ain’t perfect, but we’re really, really good. And this is to say: so is the sex.
And the sex is good because the respect is good. And the sex is deep because the trust is deep. And the sex is delicious because the communication is delicious. Twenty years and we are getting better and better at this.
This is my gift to him, between these days marking the highlights of our love.
Perhaps because of this mid-point in my personal love history, perhaps because Valentine’s Day is nearing, I keep thinking of engagements. V-day is one of the top days for engagements. I wonder if some men who propose that day are secretly thinking, “If I do it on Valentine’s Day I’m gonna get sex and a blow job every year because I can remember what day we got engaged. Har har har…” (Yes, I am going to diss a dude for thinking that.) Women may think it’s romantic until you realize that’s probably why he picked the day.
If you’re thinking of getting engaged on V-day- pick any other day. Literally any other day. Pick the day before, tell her you couldn’t wait. Pick the day after, tell her you were just so full of love you couldn’t contain it one day. Be creative. Connect it to something special between the two of you. (Plus, it’s my birthday, you want that hanging over the day? ha ha ha) Because, when you’re in love with someone, really in love, you want to celebrate them and lift them up on special days. You don’t look for excuses to not celebrate them or double up on your ‘show them you love them’ duty.
Maybe that’s why this all comes to mind now. There have been difficulties in my marriage, big ones. But our love has never been a chore. We have been dedicated to its growth, but never bored with its duties. I hope you find a love that grows deep, that fucks well, that lets you become your full self. Because that is what love does.
Check it out! I got my shit together enough to post about the moon on the correct day! Miraculous.
Okay, not really. I’ve been busy doing actual amazeovaries stuff. I started using a Bullet Journal and, damn (!), it works. I’ve been getting things done that are actually changing the world for the better- now and in the future. Which makes The Naked Mystic a bit of a lower priority than before.
Saving the world > processing online. Who knew?
The fact is, I’ve also had a bit of writer’s downtime. Not ‘blocked’ exactly. More like everything was shifting into a new reality and my writer brain needed time to catch up. But I will write more in the next few weeks- I have got some ideas rollin’ through my brain+soul and some excellent dirt to dish.
All that said, here is today’s missive. Full Moon in Cancer, my lovelies. Apparently it’s an intense one!
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Below are two readings of the full moon that happens tonight. The first one is spot on for me; I’ve included the second as a counter-weight, of sorts. I’ve made some notations in the text – in [[ brackets ]] – so watch for those. And I’ve also included a personal story at the bottom. Seemed to fit well with the themes herein.
“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way-especially shame,
fear and vulnerability.” – Brené Brown
On Thursday, January 12th there will be a luscious full moon in the sign of Cancer.
Cancer represents home, the mother or divine feminine; she is watery and emotional, sensitive and vulnerable. Yet, she is also embodied by the crab, an animal that has a hard shell, but is sensitive to change.
We can pretend that there isn’t anything special going on and we can walk away from fate only to find it repeatedly knocking while we try our hardest to not answer.
That’s the thing about this life, we can avert our eyes, hide in corners, or bury our heads in the proverbial sand—but nothing is strong enough to stop what’s meant for us from coming our way.
We are at an auspicious time astrologically.
Venus is in Pisces so love is afoot; all planets are direct for the next month so we feel inspired and courageous; and now with this full moon in Cancer we will be asked if we can actually handle the emotions we are feeling.
We’ve seen the writing on the wall. We know all the reasons that we shouldn’t leap. But we also know all the things that fear whispers to us when we follow our hearts.
This time we’re done listening. We will no longer be led by fear when what we crave is the amazing.
We will be well within the watery realms of Cancer this week and we may feel that we don’t have a choice about what are feeling, because the point of all of this is to feel everything. Life is richer because of what we feel, whether it’s passion, love, joy, or sadness and fear.
[[ And if you’re feeling sad and missing someone to the point of crying or your heart breaking- this is what she’s talking about. Feel everything. Feel the love. Feel the sadness. Don’t shy away from it. It has things to teach you. ]]
But sometimes emotions hold us back, especially fear. Fear pulls us back in, and reminds us of our place in this great big, beautiful world. Fear recalls our childhood wounds, issues of worthiness, and even our values around self-esteem.
Yet, on the other side of that is a life beyond fear, knowing that everything we want will come to us when we need it.
Faith and fear cannot coexist.
[[Actually, not true. Faith and fear can coexist. And that might be the sweet spot of growth. Feel the fear, have faith in what you’re doing, and take the next step.]]
The difficult aspect of last year was that we had to walk through the darkness by ourselves. We had to find out exactly who we are through 100 years of lessons within just a few months. It was a time to see what we were all made of and if we were brave enough to live on our own terms.
A New Year is only our illusion of time.
In reality, nothing changed as the clock struck midnight on December 31st. There was no magical solution for those heartfelt issues, nor was there a true leaving behind or letting go of anything, because in reality life is merely a series of beginnings.
In astrology, there are moments that seem orchestrated by God—those breaks within the mundane where the magic is able to escape and remind us why we are all fighting as hard as we are. Because what is more worth the fight than true love?
We want it. Right now we can taste what we want more clearly than ever, but it’s not the same as before. Our eyes have been opened and our souls have been excavated. What we’re after is that once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. It’s dancing around us, tempting us with its fated promises. Yet still it remains just far enough out of reach that it seems ever-elusive…at least that was the storyline.
Things are different though, just as we all are.
And now, as the planets align, we will be given the gift of sight. Not to see how things might play out in the future, or any aspect of the physical world, but to finally see the truth.
We will see beneath our many layers of self-sabotage and confusion to what is beating beneath it all. Quite simply, we will see our what hearts for what they are.
Not the overzealous beasts that go about demanding what they want, but rather more like the softly serenading cricket. It will begin to whisper its sweet and succulent secrets to us, drawing us deeper into the emotional world of Cancer, and letting us finally feel it all.
But only if we make the choice to move through fear.
We don’t have all the answers right now and it won’t all make sense, but that’s okay—it doesn’t need to. Right now all we need to do is trust that whatever we’re feeling is valid and that, more than anything, the only way to understand it is to surrender to it.
Resist the urge to fight and just surrender—to yourself and your heart.
Surrender to love, and the ability to believe that you deserve the exact kind of love that you keep trying to give away to others.
Surrender to happiness, even if it differs from the picture you had painted in your head at one point about what that would look like.
Simply surrender to faith.
Life has gotten you this far. You haven’t stumbled or ruined anything—you just didn’t know that, all along, this was where you were being led. Trust in your destination as much as you have in your journey, knowing that there is a reason for everything. There is a season for everything.
And this month is the season for listening to our hearts.
We are the walking wounded. Exposed to all manner of salts. Tears. Oceans. Irritants. Disinfectants. Cleansers.
We trip over the graves of one another’s un-grieved sorrows. Unknowingly. Knowingly. Raising ghosts of the past. Unresolved woe. Stirring all manner of emotional hornets nests.
These stirrings, these little earthquakes, these eruptions of feelings can overtake us. Wipe us out. Wipe us clean of the residue that has built up.
We have no control over what flips our emotional switches on. But once lit, our feelings carry potent lessons if we know how to learn from them. Once lit, our emotions can lead us back to the wounds we originally incurred if we know how to track them. Once lit, our senses can send us the information we have been too busy avoiding for fear of having to re-live the pain we try so desperately to escape.
But, the only way out is through.
How we work with this aspect of our experience depends on our nature and the way we’ve been nurtured. The power of our emotions is undeniable. Our ability to work with that power is in large part dependent on the opportunities and guidance we’ve been given to do so. Developing a mature response to our emotions takes time. A life-time. And a desire to do so.
Developing the ability to hold our emotional reactions long enough to understand them takes practice. We need patience and strength to sit with our feelings. We need to develop the sturdiness of character to allow that kind of process to move through us. Especially if we have grown up with excessive trauma and/or adults that were unable to do so for themselves.
Eventually we have to decide what we want to do with our feelings. Do we use them to justify our bad behavior or do we use them as gateways to greater self-awareness? Developing our ability to detect and identify our feelings is of paramount importance. We have to know that we have a feeling before we can begin to understand it.
The full moon in Cancer arrives 3:34 AM PT on Thursday, January 12th, peaking at 22° of the crab’s sign. Cancer feels. Everything. All the time. It feels what you forgot to feel. It feels the music that is too loud, the lights that are too bright, the too-scratchy tag in the shirt its lover is wearing. Cancer cares. Too much. Too tenderly. Too exposed to walk through the world, Cancer needs its shell. Needs to curl in. To sort out its feelings from the feelings of others. To understand its emotional reactions. To digest all the different sensations that it encounters, making sense of their meaning. Cancer needs to cry. It’s like breathing for most other creatures. Its water ducts are always at the ready. Ready to release the excess of water it carries.
This full moon sits with the goddess asteroid, Vesta. Goddess of the hearth, keeper of the flame, devoted servant and patron of priestesses, devotees and ritualist of all cloths, Vesta helps us pull focus and dedicate ourselves to something greater than ourselves. In Cancer, Vesta is focused on the feelings of the moment.
The full moon sits in a cardinal grand cross with Jupiter, Uranus and Pluto. It lights up some of the larger, more disruptive themes of 2017.
Currently in a tug of war, astrologically known as an opposition, Jupiter and Uranus produce unforeseen and unpredictable growth. Shocking and abrupt, Uranus in Aries tries to tip the scales of Jupiter in Libra’s even-keeled and equitable plan for expansion. Jupiter being the planet closely connected to our ideas, ethics and morals, opposed by Uranus, the planet known for its inventive experimentalism, may inject into the world all manner of new beliefs, both intriguing and unfathomable.
Gas-lighting can thrive under the shock and awe of Uranus’s derailing influences making it supremely important to be devoted to knowing our emotional reality.
[[OMG. Yes. Know your own emotional reality. What are you feeling? Not what are other’s feeling or what do you sense from them? Or how do you wish to feel. No. This is here, now, you. Pay attention! ]]
The moon square Uranus and Jupiter makes the disruptions all the more felt. It makes our emotions all the more exaggerated. It makes this full moon in Cancer all the more emotionally unpredictable and all the more likely to receive an emotional wake-up call.
The moon in opposition to Pluto sets up a dynamic that makes the need to empty out our emotional storehouses impossible to ignore. The moon in opposition to Pluto makes emotions all the more intense. The moon in opposition to Pluto makes it all the more obvious what grief we need to allow ourselves to grieve.
In Cancer, the moon is at home and able to maximize its effect. When working with the moon we can open to our own intuitive and psychic capabilities, heal old wounds and learn what we need in order to feel at home in our lives. Conjunct Vesta, this full moon reminds us of the importance of tending to the sacred fire that is at the center of our lives. Our hearts. Many winds will try to blow us about, much chaos will try to avert our gaze from the truth, but, if we are focused on what matters to us, focused on what we know to be true, in our heart of hearts, we cannot and will not be lead astray.
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I always get a little anxious around the Full Moon. Don’t know why. It’s changed as I’ve gotten older, and now it feels like someone runs a small electrical current through my body. It’s not exactly fun, but it does help me remember how connected I am to the moon.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling anxious and hadn’t yet checked to see what sign the moon was moving into. But I was anxious about my husband and myself and our connection and wanting to clarify some things. We ended up having a conversation about our connection, what would happen if either of us were attracted to someone else, and what the circumstances would be for when we would tell each other (after we feel attracted? after there’s a kiss? after we start getting emotionally mixed up?). We have covered so much territory in this area- having feelings for others outside our relationship. And yet, we hadn’t nailed down some things in specific terms.
I pushed for that conversation, still not knowing the day was about relationships + home + connection + comfort. The energy of this moon was simply within me, and the truth- the fear, the worries, the mistakes- wanted air and communication. What I wanted was that we would both agree to the rule (or guideline, or whatever) that if we felt attracted to another person- sexually, emotionally, intellectually- then we would talk to each other about it. That we would be honest as quickly as possible, talk about the options (because we definitely love each other more than we need each other), and decide whether to stay together or not. But we would catch the issue early on.
We both agreed, of course.
Afterwards, though, I wondered at myself: why did I want that rule? And the answer was something I didn’t expect.
I wanted that rule (attractions will be discussed earlier rather than later) because I wanted more intimacy with him.
I am the kind of person who reveals herself in layers. I will share certain levels of myself with everyday people, but I will only go deeper with those I trust (or with those who I wish to keep near- I will reveal my whole heart sometimes, to keep special souls near me. Which makes it hurt, of course, when I am rejected. But that’s how I learn.)
In Sufism, they talk about the seven veils that guard each persons heart. I certainly have them. And I only share my deepest self – the one with the fewest veils- to special people. My husband has been the one to go deepest with me, nearest to my heart. He champions me at every turn. And, in return, he gets more love, intimacy, and support from me. He is worthy of coming close to my heart because he loves and protects it.
And what I wanted, with this new rule, was to know I had a safe space to fall freely into deeper love with him. That my heart would be held as I revealed further layers of love, depth, and support to him. That I would be safe to let go and sink into a place of deeper intimacy without insecurities to hold me back. Even if our connection was to break apart, for now, I can let go and love him knowing that I am safe.
This is what the New Moon in Cancer brought me yesterday. In the middle of anxiety and fear, there was gold. And by communicating (how many lessons have we learned as a couple on communication? About a zillion.)- letting out my fears and worries- we found the gold of the deeper truth and the deeper desire. This is the dance of shadow- and shows the possibility of what we can find when we welcome it.
