Let me tell you a story about what it looks like when the energies of the year and the planets (and moons) hit people who are sensitive to them. It’s about the Winter Solstice today, the darkest day of the year, and the full moon that is happening on the same day. The dark and the light.
Yesterday was a shit show for me. The perfect storm of difficulties.
I am on meds that mess with my HPA axis and so I have been dealing with excess cortisol (by ‘excess’ I mean my body is being constantly flooded with cortisol. It makes me feel anxious, tired, scritchy, and I don’t sleep very well. This is not great for my attitude.)
I am prepping for the holidays. Anyone will tell you this is stressful, even as it’s fun.
PMS. (Enough said.)
We are getting our rescue dog tomorrow, which is also joyful-stressful.
(Oh, my god, she’s so cute!)
I engaged with the idiots. (I am forever trying to point out, “Hey, your life could be better if you’d stop X.” Surprisingly, it never works. <– That’s a joke. I gotta learn to stop; it’s a huge energy drain.)
Not enough meditation.
Not enough sleep.
Desire without grounding.
Not enough sensual practice.
That’s the dark. That’s the Solstice part. This day of the year is the day with the most dark, the least daylight, of the year. It’s a time when we turn inward, towards what is deeper in our hearts and minds. We all know that our internal landscape differs from year to year (and day to day). But this day is also for celebrating the darkness inside ourselves. I am particularly fond of this practice, but when it feels chaotic, like yesterday, it’s harder to want to turn inwards and connect with it all. At the end of yesterday, I thought “What the fuck is wrong with me?!?” Which is always a good way to know I’m looking at my darkness- the behaviors that make me wonder who I am, because they don’t fit the picture I have of myself.
On the flip side is the full moon. Although, maybe it’s not the flip side. The full moon illuminates our lives- shows us what’s working and what isn’t. It is a place to see clearly into our deeper emotions, desires, needs, and fears. Again, sometimes this is beautiful and sometimes it’s not. It can also be the phase of fruition, or a reminder of our fullness.
I tend to get a little ‘buzzy’ around the full moon. My energy is heightened and I feel a little jolt of electricity all over – although, with the cortisol, who could tell the difference? Because of the dark, though, the moon is shining her light on where and how I understand my darkness and how I make use of it.
After the shit show of events yesterday, I meditated for an hour. It was very grounding. (There’s an old adage that says, “If you can meditate for 30 minutes, do that. If you can’t meditate for 30 minutes, meditate for an hour.” Meaning, if you can’t find the time to meditate, you probably need it worse. It’s true.)
I had a good cry. The kind that opens your heart.
I read something really beautiful about blow jobs and it helped me understand why I enjoy giving them so much.* (I’ll share it later, it really resonated for me.)
I watched The Sound of Music and the song, “My Favorite Things” reminded me that I’m most satisfied and grounded when I’m in my sensual practices. I made space for them last night.
A friend reminded me that I have no understanding of the magic that is retail scheduling, so maybe I should just chill.
I turned back towards a practice I found useful in the Sex Surge- to notice the difference between a superficial want -to see someone NOW- and my deeper desire -for connection and communication. When I connect with the deeper desire, the ego is less involved, and I can be far more patient. (The person I’m trying to connect with was also kind enough to stop by and let me know they are still there. It was noticed and appreciated.)
Enjoyed some super….slow…sex. Super slow. Squeezing every little bit of pleasure out of each movement and connection and it really helped me get back in the wholeness of myself- not just my mind, not just my body, but the fully connected whole.
The light of the full moon showed me what was and wasn’t working, what I needed to get back to, and that there was still a fullness inside my self that I could turn to, believe in, and use to support myself. My sensual practices, my delight in sex, the feeling of when I am fully in my body (not just my head!) all helped me to recover a sense of myself. That’s not to say there isn’t work to do on some of my dark spots- engaging with the idiots, lack of meditation, superficial wants- but that turning back towards my light gives me the strength and support to work on my darkness.
Certainly, this is the essence of the Solstice- to be drawn inwards, to see the dark, but also to find comfort and warmth and connection such that we can deal with the darkness. There is a reason these ‘festivals of light’ happen at this time of year- it is to remind us that we are in the dark, but that the light still exists. It will probably still take me a few days to get back on top of myself, but that’s also the beauty of the Solstice and the full moon- the energy lasts for a few days; it gives us time to work with things.
Tonight we will be having our Solstice meal by candlelight and exchanging handmade gifts and finding gratitude for this darkest day of the year. I hope you find your dark and your light on this Solstice + full moon night, too, fellow travelers.
Big love from the inside of the mess,
Joanna :: xoxo
* If you read any of my posts and think, “OMG, a woman who likes sex and blow jobs!” and you think friending me on Facebook is a good idea, let me just say: nope. I don’t accept friend requests from dudes I don’t personally know. But also: I talk about these things not to excite men, but because I believe ALL women should be able to talk about their sexual needs, likes, dislikes, preferences, expression, etc. – and not have it be a big fucking deal. I (or any woman) should be able to say, “Jeeze, I really need an orgasm today,” in line at Starbucks and not have people laugh, cringe, or freak out. I talk openly about my sexuality because more women need to do it so it’s fucking normalized. If women don’t feel safe talking about their sexual needs in front of you, you might wanna ask yourself why. Also: I have a husband and he’s the only one getting any of that action from me for the foreseeable future (because safety). If you wanna talk to me, there is a contact form and an email address available to you.