People, I wish I had invented that term. Truly, I do. But I did not. The lovely Carolyn Elliott did.
I’m taking her course on magic right now and she’s been teaching about Existential Kink. Now, I’m not gonna say much about what it is, cuz that’s Carolyn’s bread-and-buttah, but I will talk about what it’s showing me in my own life. Cuz it’s cool as fuck.
Yesterday’s post was probably one of the most weird posts I have written. It came from a place of truly feeling totally lead to post it and also the most flighty, air-headed place inside me. So air-headed, in fact, that I went and edited it at 10 o’clock last night so it felt more me.
This is the thing I’m learning from Existential Kink: to accept all the different parts of me. Even the ones I don’t like. Like the air-head part.
I wrote, over on my hormones website, about accepting all of ourselves. At the time, I was thinking about all the different selves we grow over a life time. (Surely, you are not who you were ten years ago, right? That’s what I’m talking about- those past selves.) But then I got into Existential Kink. And that kind of blew my world open.
I’ve been working on self acceptance for, like, eons now. Especially the dark stuff, because -for me, a long time ago, sex+desire was dark stuff. This blog is the map of my sexual and sensual self-acceptance. And while I feel like I’ve accepted a lot of my sexual self (not all, but a lot), I’ve not accepted other dark parts of me.
- the inner air-head who does stuff without thinking
- the self- judgment that I can do excellent hip swirls in belly dancing, but I suck at full body circles
- the part of me that is actually…greedy
- the fact that sometimes, I totally feel like this song (just a bit, just a teaspoon)
- the part of me that actually likes rejection and frustration and fear (yeah, that’s some dark stuff)
- the part of me that, after all the work, is still filled with longing sometimes
- the inner piece of me that enjoys the fuck out of hating and judging
- the fact that I sometimes don’t want to be any of the roles that I am or have chosen (mom, wife, lover, healer, spiritual traveler, writer, etc.- fuck them all)
Accepting that stuff is hard work. It feels gross to start with. The fact that I have a part of me that says, “If I was you, I’d want to be me, too”? UGH! I feel so gross even admitting that. It’s so far from the picture I have of myself as a loving, kind, healer-person.
But if I don’t accept it, I’m resisting it.
And resisting it is fighting myself.
And fighting myself is a useless endeavor.
Fighting all the things that live inside me is hard work and it just keeps me spinning in circles.
Accepting these things, even when they are frightening or painful or gross, means I am accepting all of myself. No more resistance to the totality of who I am. And when I don’t resist, I heal towards greater wholeness.
Existential Kink- the practice, the living of it- is exactly what Jung meant when he talked about ‘making the unconscious conscious.’ When I know these dark, hidden parts of myself, and especially when I accept them, I become more conscious. And that is what I am here for.
Also, it feels really good to admit to all of who I am and accept it.
It feels really, really good.
And in a weird way, it leads to me being a better person. I’m not bullshitting myself about who I am anymore. And when I don’t resist or BS myself, I have a lot more energy to do really good, loving stuff.
We all have pieces that we don’t love. It’s part of the human experience. But if we can uncover them, open the door and shine some light in there- and then spend even a few minutes accepting what’s there in the dark- we become whole, piece by piece.
It’s hard work, but it’s really good stuff.
Me and my whole self are going to dance class tonight to see what else I can accept of my brokenness. I will love my crappy whole body circles and hold the longing in my hips and grin my wide grin at the sometimes bitch in the mirror. And it will be lovely.
Love to you, fellow travelers,
Joanna :: xoxo