Archive | Sex and Spirit

What The Sex Priestesses Know

[[ I have been stuck inside all day with holiday prep and a new dog. And cat sitting. That’s the only time I’ve been out- to feed a cat, twice. Forgive me if this doesn’t go as planned.]]

I’m writing to you on Christmas Adam- it comes before Christmas Eve and isn’t very satisfying.
Get it?
I know. I’m terrible.

I was struggling to think of a way to talk about sex priestesses, blow jobs, and Christmas, and then I remembered that Jesus had two Marys in his life: his mother, and his wife/consort: Mary Magdalene. Mary Magdalene traveled with Jesus, likely as his wife or as a fellow- and unacknowledged- apostle. (One of my favorite books, The Wild Girl, by Michele Roberts, is about Mary Magdalene and her relationship with Jesus- and her likely position as the Black Madonna.) Mary Magdalene has also been called a prostitute- as a way of demeaning her position in Jesus’ life- and so that’s where we’re going to start.

The piece I am sharing tonight talks about prostitutes as the negative side of the feminine. And I’m first going to tell you that is complete bullshit. What we think of as “prostitutes” in ancient history were often women who were priestesses that served gods of sexuality and sensuality. They were paid for their work- whether that was sex, divination, contacting the divine, or other practices which brought the divine into human interactions. So, yes, they were paid for sex, but that doesn’t make them prostitutes as we define them today. It also doesn’t make prostitutes, or modern day sex workers, negative.

Sex workers are absolutely not the negative side of the feminine. In capitalism, sex workers use their bodies to make money- just like everyone else. It’s nice if you get to use your MS Word skills to make money, but that’s just using your fingers and your brain- sex workers use their body and their brain. No difference. So, in this piece, I am not going to use the word ‘prostitute’ to represent the negative aspect of the feminine. What I think the author was originally trying to convey about this aspect of the feminine is the ‘manipulative’ feminine. The side that says, “If you shovel the snow, I’ll have sex with you,” and then doesn’t follow through. The side that listens with intent and compassion, and then uses it against you later. The side of the feminine that makes you wish you’d never engaged in the first place. The part of the Feminine that would trade herself for something- safety, money, respect- that’s the aspect the author is speaking about, I believe. But I’m going to call it the ‘manipulative feminine’ instead.

Lastly, this piece is heteronormative. The author speaks exclusively of man-and-woman sex and heterosexual relationships. This is not to say that the dynamics discussed here don’t apply to same sex relationships or any relationships in which fellatio is enjoyed- they do. So, if needed, please apply the appropriate pronouns or note the ways in which these behaviors play out in your relationship. Because anyone can be manipulative in a relationship and plenty of people give and receive blow jobs that aren’t in heterosexual relationships. Please keep all these things in mind as you read this piece.

And now that I’ve set the stage, here we go.

::: ::: ::: :::

Originally written by Gillian Pothier on Facebook.

Death of the Blowjob

“Ask any woman who has performed oral sex and they will confirm it certainly is a job.”
– the internet (specifically, the 1st site I found when researching the etymology of this term)

From blow off (“to fellate,” to blow (someone) off, a phrase which originated among prostitutes, 1933) + JOB


If you are one to give a man a “blowjob,” please do us all a favor– dust off your knees, wipe off your mouth, touch up your lipstick and GO HOME. Sadly, you are one of the Daughters of the Great Forgetting, steely and willing to sell your sacredness for a shallow sense of security.

You are throat-deep in transaction, choking on commerce.
You are of no use to our broken world because a woman who has forgotten her own magnificence can only EVER buy and sell.

You can wrap your lip-glossed lips around his cock all the live-long day but until you learn to wrap your HEART around his sex, the only thing you are in service to is getting him off. (Totes fine — but is the keg empty yet?)

Don’t demean yourself or HIM by “working” to please him, by performing a “job” or “maintenance” to keep him satisfied. It doesn’t serve the man nor the woman to feel like what is being shared is something called a “blowjob,” the word and act encoded in scarcity, commerce, and obligation.

The era of the blowjob is over.
In contrast to the lowly blowjob, cock worship is a royal, devotional, erotic act of creating a man as king.

Until you can open your mouth, your throat, and your heart in deepest devotion, in hungriest longing to envelop his sex inside your mouth: teeth, tongue, and watering flesh, you are no vessel for the healing function of Shakti. You are a petty worker, subjugated by every distorted thought that you have let yourself believe about what it means to truly respect and honor a man.

Cock sucking is soul sucking — and until you understand this, you are unconsciously perpetuating a lineage that keeps both men and women caged in a spell of erotic commerce and mediocrity.

The very moment you have a man’s cock in your mouth, you are either an archetypal emanation of “blowsy” — the manipulative feminine/prostitute — a woman who does not know her own wild beauty and feels like she needs to perform a “job” to keep his love — OR — you are a woman who knows how to create a man as King, Sultan, Pharaoh, Hero, Magi, Wizard.  (Hint: you can’t be both, angelface.)

The moment you place his cock in your mouth because you want something (other than HIM and his sex) or because you are trying to GET, you instantly energetically step into the archetypal lineage of the manipulative feminine/prostitute.

If there is any part of you that does not desire him in his fullness — then STOP. If you proceed, it destroys both of you because it is a lie.

Proceeding with “blowing him” when it is not in your highest alignment and desire instantly collapses you into a timeline of manipulative feminine/prostitute, and prevents him from birthing himself into his wholeness (as King).

As we collectively rise, these templates of inauthenticity, compromised integrity, and archaic covert timelines of The Seller (prostitute, manipulative feminine, “blowsy”) and The Buyer (collapsed masculine who uses money to “buy love”) are going to crash.

Interestingly, actual prostitution and sex work feels totally sustainable and clean energetically because of the overt agreement and integrity of that container. I have no intention of slut shaming/sex work shaming/prostitute shaming. The *archetype* of the prostitute at the level of the Feminine consciousness is, however, an energetic leak for women who do not self-identify as sex workers.

MEN: If you are letting a woman get you off at the most mechanical and basic level of heat, wetness, and friction, that’s cool AND there is zero magic in that game. It will never alchemize you into your greatness.

Allowing yourself to receive low-level mediocrity creates low-level mediocrity. That is law.

Please stand for something greater for yourself AND her than a woman who has forgotten who she is and lets herself perform “acts” and “jobs” in service to you. A woman who gives “blowjobs” is a woman who is hunting, tracking the scent of what she can get.

Instead of an alchemical transmission and imprint of giving and receiving the most exalted royal codes of remembrance and wealth, you are both just colluding with each other’s beliefs of scarcity and mediocrity. There is nothing sexy about lovers collusion to support each other’s archaic distortions.

WOMEN: You need to remember how to wrap your heart around his cock– not just your lips. Give yourself permission to enter into a bliss state of heart-shattering, wild devotion through the act of cock worship. By giving at this level of creation, you are preparing your heart and and your energy system to receive at levels you have only let yourself imagine. It is through this doorway of raw, primal devotion to your man/the masculine that will cause him to create for you (and all of us) a world that we can once again animate with our deepest feminine essence.

Devotion does not just create devotion — it causes it.

Our world would be a better place if women could understand and remember that they are the golden chalice — Cosmic Queens of the Highest Order — and their sex, their heart, and their devotion to the a man and his cock…is what will begin to heal the broken-heart of our bleeding world.


Note 1: This piece is so heteronormative it hurts. I know. And I am not sure what I can do differently when my lens is alchemical and hieros gamos codes are part of my medicine.

Note 2: We’ve all been siphoned down archaic languaging expressions that are encoded to demean both men and women, as well as the erotic acts of devotion they describe. It’s up to us — as acts of love and devotion first to self, and then to other, to be in relationship to these expressions, and to consciously feel whether they can hold our beauty, our sex, and our devotion.

::: ::: ::: :::

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash


I love this piece. I think it holds a great deal of truth. I know that my own enjoyment of cock worship is because I have felt safe, magical, devoted to my desire – and his. When safety and mutual desire are part of your sexual foundation, I believe healing can occur. At the very least, enjoyment goes waaaay up. I know that good sex can change the world for the better. And I think that this radical notion of removing the transaction of sex and returning to the union of sex is one of the ways in which sexual healing occurs.

For those of you who aren’t at this level yet, I want to be really clear: the power dynamics here are about not having power dynamics. The woman is so in love or so desirous of her lover that the blow job isn’t a job- it’s a joy, a worship of him and his body, a worship of his desire and sex. The same goes for guys going down on a woman. He is entranced by her body, her love, her energy. He wants to bring her pleasure and bury all of himself in her sex. Oral sex isn’t a quid pro quo exchange; in the above article, it’s holding the most sacred parts of our lover in the most delicate parts of ourselves, and promising it won’t bring danger, but, rather, devotion. (See also: The Spiritual Side of Oral Sex.)

What do you think, fellow travelers?
What has good sex done for you?
What has bad sex done for you?
Have you ever traded sex for safety? peace? recognition? (how did that go?)
Do you feel safe in the mouth of your lover?
What does safety, care, and desire do for your sexual encounters?

I hope you found this interesting, or at least thought provoking.

Big love on this Christmas Eve eve,
Joanna :: xoxo




How To Grow A Sex Goddess



This is a picture of me last Friday. I am wearing my favorite, favorite outfit ever. That sweater is from 1992 (it’s 26 years old!). I bought it with my hard earned junior-in-high-school dollars; it was $35 from The Gap and I still love it deeply. My comfiest jeans and my meanest black boots round out the ensemble.

I look like a soccer mom. I know.
(I’m hoping that will turn a few of you completely off me, honestly.)

These last couple of weeks have been part of ‘Scorpio season’ – a time when we’re sort of naturally drawn (or pressed) to reviewing relationships, boundaries, mistakes, etc. During this phase I’ve been thinking about things I said to someone about my body this time last year. I was honest: the boobs have breastfed two babies, they now reside more on the ground floor than the upper levels like they used to. There are stretch marks on my stomach (again with the babies). I’ve got cellulite and fat pockets that are plenty full. I’m not any kind of model material.

But as I was reflecting on what I said last year I realized that just because a person’s body meets certain social standards (or, rather, unreachable social standards) doesn’t have anything to do with how good they are at loving that body, or loving other people with their body. So, while I might have a very basic mom bod, I know how to use it far better than a lot of women who still have perky boobs and no stretch marks.

I know how to stretch anticipation just a little bit further…just so it drives a person wild with desire.

I know how to use my lips to soften your skin, all over. A playful tongue and teeth, too.

I know how make a sacred prayer of unbuttoning your shirt, letting the tips of my fingers brush against your skin like whispered mantra.

I know what brings me pleasure, and I’m open to exploring more.

I know how to listen to your moans and sighs and what they tell me about your desires; what to do more of, again and again and again.

I know how to wrap myself around you so our heat burns slow and sweet.

I know how to experiment, gently, and find the path to your deepest pleasure. And I know how to gently guide you towards giving me mine.

I know when to hold you down and when to let you roll me over and hold me steady as we sink into each other.

I know how to touch and tease and rub different places on your body so you understand that there are levels and layers of pleasure.

I know how make my breasts and nipples the kind of weapons you’ll beg to be killed by.
(You can ask my husband.)

I know when to drag my skin against yours and when to press into you. When to create more heat and when to cool you off.

Again, and always, I know how to listen to your entire body.

So, while I may look like a soccer mom, and while my body will never be in a lingerie magazine, I am good at sex in a way that someone with a traditionally beautiful body may never be. I didn’t give myself nearly enough credit last year; I’m a sex goddess.

::: ::: ::: :::

I haven’t always been a sex goddess. But I am beginning to understand what it takes to re-create yourself into one.

First and foremost, a woman has to know and trust her body. This is the hardest fucking thing in the world for modern women, if you ask me. Women are taught, from day one, to distrust our bodies. To only know them enough to deal with them; never to love, respect, and enjoy them. To display them for the pleasure of others, but only rarely for ourselves. I learned to trust my body in a strange way: I have Type 1 diabetes. I had to learn to listen to my body from the age of six. When I had a low blood sugar and felt faint or weak, I had to understand what was happening, trust it, listen to it, and take care of it. Diabetes has given me many strange blessings, but this is the top of the list- the ability to listen to and know my body.

I know that having a sense of safety is also foundational for a woman to become a sex goddess. Part of that is feeling a sense of safety in her own body. Again, a woman may have to unweave many stories society tells her about her body for her to feel safe inside it. If she feels that her body has betrayed her in some way, she will also have to overcome this to feel safe. A woman also has to feel safe with her partner. That has been the key ingredient for me and my sexual exploration/development: I feel entirely safe with my partner. He is generous, kind, supportive, and communicative every time we get down to it. I am never afraid that he will mock or hurt me or be distant. In places where women don’t necessarily feel safe with their partner, they will often extend their own sense of safety to include their partner. This isn’t the same as having a safe partner and thereby having double the safety. It’s more like stretching one size of safety to fit two people- it’s thin, even if it works.

A woman must also accept her own desires if she’s going to be sex goddess. This took me a long time to figure out and feel in my body. And the thing is, it’s very different for each woman. For some women, admitting that they want sex in a car or prefer masturbation is a big step in their self-acceptance. For others, admitting that they prefer submission or rope play (or water play or whatever else you find exceptionally kinky) is the big leap. For me it was admitting that FFM fantasies were not just fantasies. (Which is to say: I identify as more than a little bisexual these days.) But it’s in accepting our desires (even if they are just fantasies!) that we create the space that allows for experimentation. Because when we accept our desires, we are often pushing past boundaries- and that skill of pushing past boundaries helps us be open to other boundaries that are worth testing for ourselves, our partner, and as a couple.

That skill of pushing boundaries is one of the ‘higher end’ skills in becoming a sex goddess, I think. Because being a sex goddess is very much about pleasure- both mine and my partner’s- and I have had to learn to push past my self-imposed pleasure limits and allow more, receive more pleasure. Once you learn to hang out in the flow of orgasm for an extra 15 seconds, you can do that over and over again until you’re having rather long orgasmic experiences (this will literally blow the top of your skull off, at some point, but in the best way possible). It’s in pushing past our boundaries that we can find some amazing sexual experiences. This does not negate or override the need for safety, however.

A sex goddess also just has to plain like sex and be interested in learning more. This is not all women and that is okay. There is absolutely no shame in being a woman who is not interested in sex, doesn’t like it, or doesn’t want to explore. Sometimes there are medical reasons for this (hypothyroidism, low estrogen, low testosterone, a lot of medications have lowered libido as a side-effect), partner-related reasons for this (maybe he doesn’t do it for you anymore, or maybe he puts too much pressure on you- totally get why sex would not be fun!), and/or personal reasons for this (kids are small, work is heavy, the apartment has thin walls). And sometimes a woman just says, “Hey, this is my life, and that’s not what’s important to me.” All of these things are perfectly fine. But if a woman isn’t interested, being a sex goddess is probably not going to happen for her. And that’s totally okay.

There are other essential items for a woman to grow into a sex goddess. She has to have a supportive, communicative, kind, respectful partner who is also willing to explore himself, his desires, his emotional and sexual landscape (or hers, or theirs, depending on who is in the bedroom!). She has to have a safe place to explore (personally, I need to have a warm room) and a safe place to talk about things later- maybe days or weeks later. Emotional processing is definitely a foundational aspect of growing into a sex goddess. And there has to be room for the dance of growth- going a few steps forward, taking a step back sometimes, but continuing with trust, respect, and communication.

One last thing I want to say is that while I am definitely a sex goddess in the bedroom, I’m not all that outwardly sexual. Like, I don’t wear revealing clothes on the regular- I do wear things that make me feel great (like a 26 year-old sweater). I think that when a woman is turned on in her outer life as well as her sexual life there is something different about her energy, but it doesn’t necessarily have to translate into wearing sexy clothes or high heels or whatever is prescribed for ‘sexy’ women in our society. I don’t need to express it outwardly to feel happy or to be connected to my sexuality (or, another way to look at it is: my sweater is sexy to me, so you’ll have to dig that vibe if you want into my bed).

That’s what I know, my friends. I know the path that has lead me to being a sex goddess has been one of growth- it’s had beautiful moments and difficult moments. But it has been utterly worth it. I really love myself at a new level than I did a year ago (or ten years ago!) and I’m so grateful for this imperfect body and all the pleasure it gives me.

Get out there today and enjoy your body, fellow travelers. It’s a gift to be alive.

Big love,
Joanna :: xoxo




The Spiritual Side of Oral Sex


[This was originally a completely different post. It has been edited and re-worked because I liked this content the best and wanted to say more about it than the original post did. xoxo -J]

I read these two great articles this week:

How To Eat Pussy: A Magical Guide for Evolved People

How To Suck Dick: A Guide for the Awakened Mind

The articles give good advice, but I couldn’t help thinking, “Everyone likes it a little bit different, and that’s what you’ve got to pay attention to.” I’ve also been getting a recurring ad/article on Facebook that asks what women are thinking when they’re going down on a guy. To be honest, I don’t think you should be thinking anything other than, “Is he enjoying this?” and “Am I enjoying this?” If you’re not thinking those things, maybe you shouldn’t be going down on someone.

Oral sex is probably one of the most vulnerable types of sex because: teeth. Teeth that could really do damage to your most sensitive bits. You need trust to have oral sex with someone. But it’s also the most creative sex, I think. Maybe I just like being creative, but that’s one of the reasons I think it’s so much fun. What will delight my lover today? What new thing can I do to elicit a moan, a thrust, a biting of the lip?

Have I talked about this before here? My preference for using the tongue and fingers to give and receive sexual and sensual pleasure? They are super fun. Lips + tongues + fingers + hands can provide so many different kinds of pressure + texture + sensation. I have also only met two women who get off entirely from penetration. TWO. So, yeah, hands, fingers, tongues are dope during sex. Lick, suck, pop, twist, flick, go slow, speed up, moan, laugh, use the tips, flatten the tongue, have enough trust to experiment. Listen to what your lover likes, and not just with your ears.

[Generally, female sex writers don’t talk about their preferences because the problematic-admirers tend to come out and start telling you they think it would be great if you’d do that to them, how they’ve been thinking of it, etc. (Go away, creepers. The only person I go down on is someone I trust and want to have a good time with. Creepers and problematic peeps are not on that list because you’re not trustworthy. I will not shame or judge your sexual desires; I will definitely judge how trustworthy you are with my mind and body.) So, yeah, I enjoy both giving and receiving the pleasures of oral sex.]

The spiritual side of oral sex is that it’s about darkness and pleasure. We’re told not to put our mouths on ‘dirty’ things, and for most of us, we were instructed that our genitals were ‘dirty.’ Symbolically, it’s an deeply rebellious thing to put what is ‘dirty’ in the place that nourishes us.

One of the things I really love about oral sex is that you have to be really hungry for the other person- you must want to have all of them, to eat and taste and enjoy all of who and what they are. ‘Eating’ not in the sense of devouring someone and leaving nothing of them behind, but rather of finding nourishment (joy, energy, fulfillment) in them. So oral sex is about enjoying the totality and the darkness of our lover inside us, being willing to do dark things in order to have the entirety of someone.

It’s also dark because oral sex is entirely about pleasure; oral sex is not procreative sex. Oral sex that doesn’t end with ejaculate in a vagina is another rebellious act: we are only doing it for the pure pleasure of it. Oral sex is one of the first sexual taboos we break (perhaps even before having penetrative sex, if you’re heterosexual). And I think it’s one of the best, because it truly opens up our sexual world beyond the traditional (read: Christian) notions of what sex can or should be. (Obviously, there are other religious paths that limit sexual interactions, but this is the one I’m most familiar with.)

And I know I talk a lot here about having big sexual experiences- full-body orgasms, minutes-long orgasms, super slow kisses, sensual pleasures- but they really are not the end-all, be-all of sexual experience. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all and would not go back to tiny orgasms, but good sex is about mutual pleasure. And that doesn’t always look like a giant “O.”

I used to follow this guy who helped men with relationships (because, I wondered what dudes say to dudes) and he said that one thing you should do to ‘catch a man’ was give him oral sex, on your knees, and look up at him. And all I could think was, “Most dudes just want a decent BJ and someone they feel safe enough to tell the truth to.” I don’t want to ‘catch’ a man ever, first of all, but also not one who is so easily swayed by a particular blow job position and doesn’t care about how involved his heart is. Mutual pleasure is what makes a long-term relationship great. I do not believe that ‘the relationship is only as good as the sex,’ I do believe that good sex comes from a good relationship. It’s not a ‘chicken-egg’ deal, it’s a ‘mutually serving and supporting’ deal.

And then, today, I listened to one of my favorite dude relationship coaches, Jayson Gaddis. (Totally a dude’s dude, totally has his shit together on relationships.) And he was talking about how sex is “a vulnerable, tender, intimate place to learn about myself.” (Not just what positions you like, but who you are as a person.) Yes. All of that. That’s what good, enjoyable, long-term sex and relationships are built from.

[He also talked some amazing stuff about men who want to move from the ‘Frat Boy’ stage, where a dude tends to run from his problems (this stage can last a lifetime for some men), to the ‘Warrior’ stage, where a dude begins to face himself and work at what he wants so he earns it. So interesting, so important (and so many chicks want a Warrior). He talked about the three issues that destroy a man’s sex life and relationships, and how to get over them. If you want to know more about these particular topics, check his course “Relational and Sexual Warriorship for Men.” I cannot recommend his work highly enough if you want to feel strong in your self, your relationships, and sex. Pay the money. Do the work. It will get you the sex and relationships you want.]

Mutual pleasure is more important than amazing orgasms, okay? One of the wonderful things Jayson Gaddis talks about is learning to trust your cock (go look up the article on his site). It is the same thing for women who feel sexual and expressive- we have learned to trust our body and our pussy (or whatever you call yours!). Listening to our genitals, our deepest sexual and sensual self is just as much about entering the ‘dark’ as oral sex is. Daring to listen to our cock or pussy is trusting our own body, which traditional religious paths tell us not to do. For women, our pussy tells us when something isn’t right, and when something isn’t right, the sex is no fun. It’s about mutual pleasure. Even in Tantra that’s the goal. It’s the union of energy. How do you suppose energies unite? They unite when there is a space that is safe, trusting, and open for the giving and receiving of pleasure.

Also, and I will say this until dudes get it: make your girl come first. Your cock can bounce back from deflation on a hair-trigger. Her clitoris cannot. Take the time to fill all of it up with sensation, keep touching her clit until her orgasm is done (don’t stop touching once it starts! stay with her and her orgasm!), and gently touch her clit and vulva until she’s all the way done (it’s a super-sensitive time, but also bring her down gently, you know?). You will have a grateful, satiated woman ready to give you the same treatment.

There are a thousand ways to have pleasurable sex- some of the most pleasurable are what we once considered ‘dark,’ like oral sex. Pleasurable sex may involve a long-term partner, or not. It may involve an orgasm, or not. But the more you put pleasure and mutual safety and joy as the goal, (so you can explore the ‘dark’ if you wish) the more exciting, delicious, and satisfying your sex will be.

Big love from here,
Joanna :: xoxo




fuck your demons.

Do I mean like this?


No, I mean like this.


I mean, get off on your demons.


Demons: Dark and Light.

Traditionally, when we talk about demons, we talk about fighting against them. Demons are something we don’t like in our lives or in ourselves. They may be fear, depression, anxiety, illness, relationship difficulties, addiction, trauma, or even desire if it feels like a burden. Of course, none of us wants these things in our life. They tend to reduce our energy and leave us feeling ‘less than.’ So, of course it would be natural to want to fight them, to get rid of them.

But if we fight against these demons, we are saying that these parts of us are an enemy. I’m not sure anymore that is the healthiest way to view them. They are a part of us, and we are not inherently bad (we all contain the Buddha nature). So, what if we didn’t fight against them? What if, instead, we thought of them as useful? Maybe even as friends?

In her excellent article, “How to Feed Your Demons,” author and teacher Lama Tsultrim Allione shares a practice for making friends with your demons and learning what they are here to teach you or connect you with. This is the secret: the demons are actually here to help you grow. Tommie Kelly, over at adventuesinwoowoo, also talked about this idea on his podcast about demonising his problems so he could work with them more skillfully.

[Huge caveat here, though: organic issues, such as depression, anxiety, illegal sexual proclivities, etc. cannot always and should not be treated as ‘spiritual only’ problems. They need therapeutic and sometimes pharmaceutical support. Do not try to ‘pray away’ deeper problems, please.]

Your demons might actually have something beautiful to give you.


Sex Magic.

In Tantra, a person can cultivate sexual energy (that is, ‘turn on’ or orgasm) and send it to people or situations in order to heal them. People also do this to connect with things they desire (people, experiences, etc). Tantric folks call this ‘sex magic.’

It’s a really beautiful magical concept because you can really only send good things when you use it. I am a practitioner of ‘for the highest good’- meaning I don’t send bad energy to things, I merely pray or send energy ‘for whatever is the highest good.’ I pray this way primarily to reduce attachment to outcomes, but also because: what the fuck do I know about running the Universe? (Nothing. I know nothing. So it’s not my place to be creating any particular outcome.)

In the physical sense, when a person comes, it’s also rather difficult to send that energy with bad intentions. Orgasm is the energy of creativity, joy, sometimes love- those things are difficult to harness to darker emotions or intentions. I can’t imagine being in the middle of orgasm and thinking “Please send this energy to Linda because I fucking hate her,” can you? Plus, it’s just not what Tantra is about.

I have used this practice at different times over the years since I learned it, but I generally save orgasm energy for really important stuff, things I care about a lot or want very much in my life, or things that need deep healing. In any case, I believe it does work – not always in ways we expect, but it does work.

Sexual energy and orgasm are the highest energy we can give anything because it is the spark of the infinite, the moment of creation, a connection to god.


Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

I am a wild one/
break me in/
saddle me up/
and let’s begin. 
– Flo Rida ft. Sia “Wild Ones”

So, what if we didn’t just try to make friends with our demons, or to see their good, but what if we actually tried to give them sex magic? What if we gave our demons the best energy we could find on Earth, our sexual energy? Interestingly enough, giving our demons sex magic is a way into their beauty.

What if you could say to your demons, “I think you are so fucking sexy?” or “Jeeezus, you turn me on.” It would be pretty revolutionary, a very different way of interacting with our demons. in this case, we’re not fighting our demons, nor are we looking for the beauty in them, we are actually finding them attractive as they are. We are giving them our ‘turn on’ as a gift of connection so that we can blow them to smithereens with our orgasm.

For me, music is the key here. If I can find a song that connects with my demon and makes me feel the least bit sexy or turned on, I’m good to go. Imagination helps, too. If you can imagine your demon as a sexy, bad boy/girl lover, then it can be easier to cultivate the sexual energy you need for magic. The more you can embody it, the more you can laugh, grind, sway, touch yourself, moan- the better it will be when you and your demon orgasm together.

And in that moment, the energy of the demon is transformed. Quite often, my heart opens even more because I’m finally connecting with that demonized part of myself in a very intimate and enjoyable way. I suppose, from a certain perspective, it’s the ultimate form of the hate fuck.

I thoroughly recommend that you straddle your demons and let them penetrate you. Fall in love with them a bit, if you can. Enjoy the fact that they are dirty and naughty. And get off on them so that you can integrate them. They are the dark side of us, quite often, and the more we know them and welcome them, they less they will run our lives.

In a very real sense, treating our demons this way is exactly the way most of us want to be loved. We want to be welcomed into the arms of our lover or beloved as we are, warts and all, and to be enjoyed, integrated, and found so sexy our lover can’t  help but to scream out to god how grateful they are for us being there. And when we can do that for ourselves, it’s fucking gorgeous.

If you’ve got demons, welcome them in. They’ve usually got something helpful to teach us. If you can find a way into their sexiness and fuck them well, you’ll also get access to their power. And you can keep it for yourself.

Blessings on the journey, you sexy fuckers.
Joanna :: xoxo

[I recognize that if you a fully scientific type person this sounds fucking ridiculous and weird. Even from a psychological perspective, it’s personifying an emotion or experience and then interacting with that personification. But if you’re into spiritual stuff, you understand- it’s an energy and energy is capable of being manipulated and transformed. I like my science and my psychology and my spiritual shizz, but this is mostly spiritual. Take it as such.]




slow hands

There’s a new song on the radio that I am digging, Slow Hands by Niall Horan.

I just wanna take my time/
We could do this, baby, all night, yeah/
‘Cause I want you bad/
Yeah, I want you, baby/

Slow, slow hands/
Like sweat dripping outta my dirty laundry/
No, no chance/
That I’m leaving here without you, baby/
I, I know/
Yeah, I already know that there ain’t no stopping/
Your plans and those slow hands/

Not to get too critical, but I’m not sure about that sweat metaphor. I get the slow part, but sweat dripping from dirty laundry is not what I’m thinking of when I’m looking for metaphors about ‘slow hands.’  However, if a dude is eating right and exercising, his sweat is definitely a turn on, especially if it’s from the exertion of waiting for my slow hands to work their magic.

I also dig the song because it’s very clear the woman is in charge and he’s ready to roll with whatever she’s got planned. Amen, my sisters. [Tip to the dudes: always make your lady come first. Read this book. Do what it says. And if you don’t know if she’s come, ask her. And if she doesn’t know, find someone to help you figure it out. Female satisfaction leads to male satisfaction, youknowhatI’msayin’?]

Anyway…I dig this song because it speaks to something that I’ve learned after 20+ years of sex: the slower the better. In any given encounter (sexual, sensual, intellectual, etc) each move is a step towards the goal (sex, orgasm, connection, etc.) and if you can enjoy each step, rather than racing through it, it’s so much more delicious.

I will also say that one thing I think is different about my generation (or maybe it’s just my age) is that I don’t assume flirting will lead to fucking (a greater theory is outlined in this post). There are 200 steps between flirting and fucking (maybe 300-400 if you do it right), and no one step guarantees that the next step will happen. Each step- each touch, each eye contact, each sentence- is it’s own stopping point, it’s own playground. And the more you see it this way, the slower it goes- but it makes each step that much more exciting.

One of the things the Slow Hands song reminded me of was the love scene from ‘Top Gun.’ I re-watched it a few weeks ago for the first time in 25+ years (??) and the one thing I was struck by is that, in the scene when they finally get down to it, and Kelly McGillis is standing there in a white-collared shirt, and Tom Cruise is in his jeans…you realize either this is the second go, after the quick, dirty, ‘ohmygod, I want you’ round or, they have been going rather slowly and this is all the further they’ve gotten in a couple of hours. They are going so slowly because they want to enjoy it all. And, ohmygod, the thought of going that slowly that just sets my mind|body|spirit on fire.

Can you imagine spending an hour undressing your partner?
Can you imagine going so slow it’s painful? (Ah, the pleasure of pain.)
Can you imagine feeling every moment- every button opening, every finger running across hot skin?
Can you imagine being strong enough to not rush?
Can you imagine the heavy breath of desire coming from your partner as they wait?

Yes. That slow.
Go that slow.



The benefits of going slowly aren’t just about turn on. They are about connecting more intimately- don’t just kiss me- touch and smell and lick my lips. Going slowly is about mindfulness- notice my pleasure by noticing my breath. And noticing yours. Going slowly is about sensuality and enjoying all your senses in any given encounter (sexual or otherwise). This isn’t a list of What Turns Me On, what turns me on is the organic, curious exploration of every little thing. The benefit of going slowly is to squeeze as much pleasure out of each moment, each touch, each motion, so that you are completely full of, and completely entranced by, the experience of your partner.

Going slowly is also about the joy of tension. I am not great at holding tension, except in my imagination. In my imagination, the best, slowest kiss goes like this:

He gently backs me up against a wall or a car so my back is supported (1). He steps forward and presses his hips into mine, just enough pressure to let me know he’s there. We connect from hips to chest like a zipper being zipped up, very slowly. His hands are holding my neck, pressing at my waist, running along my sides- everywhere. Look me in the eyes, lover. Look at my eyes, my lips, listen to me breathe. When I start to moan from desire, that’s the moment to lean in closer and put more pressure on my hips. Smell the nape of my neck. Keep waiting. And when I can’t help myself and I put my hands into the waist of your pants and pull up your shirt from the back just so I can feel your skin, then get ready to kiss me. Keep looking in my eyes- watch the smoke of lust darken them- and hold this moment. Because this moment is where we cross the line and never go back. Hold the tension as long as you can. And then, kiss me.

[This should take approximately as long as  ‘Ball and Biscuit’ by The White Stripes. Like, really, slow the fuck down.]

See? Awesome, right?
(I even turned myself on with that one.)

But in real life, I have had to learn to slow down. Eighty-percent of the time I’d basically just pull my partner down and kiss them (2). I have no patience, sometimes. It has taken me twenty years to learn that slower is most often better. Twenty years of practice to really understand it and use it to my advantage. Twenty years to also understand that ‘slow hands’ is a tool you can use in a lot of places to enjoy life more.

So, try slow hands and see what it does for you. It’s great for sex, but it also applies to lots of places in life. Slow hands in the shower. Slow hands when you’re cooking. Slow hands when you’re dressing. Slow hands when you make the bed. Slow hands when you do chores. The mindfulness, the noticing, the enjoyment. Take it all in and let it nourish your body, mind, and spirit, because ‘Slow Hands’ and sensuality are one of life’s greatest gifts.

::: ::: ::: :::

(1) Because no one likes to fall over when they are being well-kissed.

(2) I am short; everyone has to bend over to kiss me.