Archive | Sex and Spirit

The Spiritual Side of Oral Sex

 

[This was originally a completely different post. It has been edited and re-worked because I liked this content the best and wanted to say more about it than the original post did. xoxo -J]

I read these two great articles this week:

How To Eat Pussy: A Magical Guide for Evolved People

How To Suck Dick: A Guide for the Awakened Mind

The articles give good advice, but I couldn’t help thinking, “Everyone likes it a little bit different, and that’s what you’ve got to pay attention to.” I’ve also been getting a recurring ad/article on Facebook that asks what women are thinking when they’re going down on a guy. To be honest, I don’t think you should be thinking anything other than, “Is he enjoying this?” and “Am I enjoying this?” If you’re not thinking those things, maybe you shouldn’t be going down on someone.

Oral sex is probably one of the most vulnerable types of sex because: teeth. Teeth that could really do damage to your most sensitive bits. You need trust to have oral sex with someone. But it’s also the most creative sex, I think. Maybe I just like being creative, but that’s one of the reasons I think it’s so much fun. What will delight my lover today? What new thing can I do to elicit a moan, a thrust, a biting of the lip?

Have I talked about this before here? My preference for using the tongue and fingers to give and receive sexual and sensual pleasure? They are super fun. Lips + tongues + fingers + hands can provide so many different kinds of pressure + texture + sensation. I have also only met two women who get off entirely from penetration. TWO. So, yeah, hands, fingers, tongues are dope during sex. Lick, suck, pop, twist, flick, go slow, speed up, moan, laugh, use the tips, flatten the tongue, have enough trust to experiment. Listen to what your lover likes, and not just with your ears.

[Generally, female sex writers don’t talk about their preferences because the problematic-admirers tend to come out and start telling you they think it would be great if you’d do that to them, how they’ve been thinking of it, etc. (Go away, creepers. The only person I go down on is someone I trust and want to have a good time with. Creepers and problematic peeps are not on that list because you’re not trustworthy. I will not shame or judge your sexual desires; I will definitely judge how trustworthy you are with my mind and body.) So, yeah, I enjoy both giving and receiving the pleasures of oral sex.]

The spiritual side of oral sex is that it’s about darkness and pleasure. We’re told not to put our mouths on ‘dirty’ things, and for most of us, we were instructed that our genitals were ‘dirty.’ Symbolically, it’s an deeply rebellious thing to put what is ‘dirty’ in the place that nourishes us.

One of the things I really love about oral sex is that you have to be really hungry for the other person- you must want to have all of them, to eat and taste and enjoy all of who and what they are. ‘Eating’ not in the sense of devouring someone and leaving nothing of them behind, but rather of finding nourishment (joy, energy, fulfillment) in them. So oral sex is about enjoying the totality and the darkness of our lover inside us, being willing to do dark things in order to have the entirety of someone.

It’s also dark because oral sex is entirely about pleasure; oral sex is not procreative sex. Oral sex that doesn’t end with ejaculate in a vagina is another rebellious act: we are only doing it for the pure pleasure of it. Oral sex is one of the first sexual taboos we break (perhaps even before having penetrative sex, if you’re heterosexual). And I think it’s one of the best, because it truly opens up our sexual world beyond the traditional (read: Christian) notions of what sex can or should be. (Obviously, there are other religious paths that limit sexual interactions, but this is the one I’m most familiar with.)

And I know I talk a lot here about having big sexual experiences- full-body orgasms, minutes-long orgasms, super slow kisses, sensual pleasures- but they really are not the end-all, be-all of sexual experience. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all and would not go back to tiny orgasms, but good sex is about mutual pleasure. And that doesn’t always look like a giant “O.”

I used to follow this guy who helped men with relationships (because, I wondered what dudes say to dudes) and he said that one thing you should do to ‘catch a man’ was give him oral sex, on your knees, and look up at him. And all I could think was, “Most dudes just want a decent BJ and someone they feel safe enough to tell the truth to.” I don’t want to ‘catch’ a man ever, first of all, but also not one who is so easily swayed by a particular blow job position and doesn’t care about how involved his heart is. Mutual pleasure is what makes a long-term relationship great. I do not believe that ‘the relationship is only as good as the sex,’ I do believe that good sex comes from a good relationship. It’s not a ‘chicken-egg’ deal, it’s a ‘mutually serving and supporting’ deal.

And then, today, I listened to one of my favorite dude relationship coaches, Jayson Gaddis. (Totally a dude’s dude, totally has his shit together on relationships.) And he was talking about how sex is “a vulnerable, tender, intimate place to learn about myself.” (Not just what positions you like, but who you are as a person.) Yes. All of that. That’s what good, enjoyable, long-term sex and relationships are built from.

[He also talked some amazing stuff about men who want to move from the ‘Frat Boy’ stage, where a dude tends to run from his problems (this stage can last a lifetime for some men), to the ‘Warrior’ stage, where a dude begins to face himself and work at what he wants so he earns it. So interesting, so important (and so many chicks want a Warrior). He talked about the three issues that destroy a man’s sex life and relationships, and how to get over them. If you want to know more about these particular topics, check his course “Relational and Sexual Warriorship for Men.” I cannot recommend his work highly enough if you want to feel strong in your self, your relationships, and sex. Pay the money. Do the work. It will get you the sex and relationships you want.]

Mutual pleasure is more important than amazing orgasms, okay? One of the wonderful things Jayson Gaddis talks about is learning to trust your cock (go look up the article on his site). It is the same thing for women who feel sexual and expressive- we have learned to trust our body and our pussy (or whatever you call yours!). Listening to our genitals, our deepest sexual and sensual self is just as much about entering the ‘dark’ as oral sex is. Daring to listen to our cock or pussy is trusting our own body, which traditional religious paths tell us not to do. For women, our pussy tells us when something isn’t right, and when something isn’t right, the sex is no fun. It’s about mutual pleasure. Even in Tantra that’s the goal. It’s the union of energy. How do you suppose energies unite? They unite when there is a space that is safe, trusting, and open for the giving and receiving of pleasure.

Also, and I will say this until dudes get it: make your girl come first. Your cock can bounce back from deflation on a hair-trigger. Her clitoris cannot. Take the time to fill all of it up with sensation, keep touching her clit until her orgasm is done (don’t stop touching once it starts! stay with her and her orgasm!), and gently touch her clit and vulva until she’s all the way done (it’s a super-sensitive time, but also bring her down gently, you know?). You will have a grateful, satiated woman ready to give you the same treatment.

There are a thousand ways to have pleasurable sex- some of the most pleasurable are what we once considered ‘dark,’ like oral sex. Pleasurable sex may involve a long-term partner, or not. It may involve an orgasm, or not. But the more you put pleasure and mutual safety and joy as the goal, (so you can explore the ‘dark’ if you wish) the more exciting, delicious, and satisfying your sex will be.

Big love from here,
Joanna :: xoxo

 

 

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fuck your demons.

Do I mean like this?

 

No, I mean like this.

 

I mean, get off on your demons.

 

Demons: Dark and Light.

Traditionally, when we talk about demons, we talk about fighting against them. Demons are something we don’t like in our lives or in ourselves. They may be fear, depression, anxiety, illness, relationship difficulties, addiction, trauma, or even desire if it feels like a burden. Of course, none of us wants these things in our life. They tend to reduce our energy and leave us feeling ‘less than.’ So, of course it would be natural to want to fight them, to get rid of them.

But if we fight against these demons, we are saying that these parts of us are an enemy. I’m not sure anymore that is the healthiest way to view them. They are a part of us, and we are not inherently bad (we all contain the Buddha nature). So, what if we didn’t fight against them? What if, instead, we thought of them as useful? Maybe even as friends?

In her excellent article, “How to Feed Your Demons,” author and teacher Lama Tsultrim Allione shares a practice for making friends with your demons and learning what they are here to teach you or connect you with. This is the secret: the demons are actually here to help you grow. Tommie Kelly, over at adventuesinwoowoo, also talked about this idea on his podcast about demonising his problems so he could work with them more skillfully.

[Huge caveat here, though: organic issues, such as depression, anxiety, illegal sexual proclivities, etc. cannot always and should not be treated as ‘spiritual only’ problems. They need therapeutic and sometimes pharmaceutical support. Do not try to ‘pray away’ deeper problems, please.]

Your demons might actually have something beautiful to give you.

 

Sex Magic.

In Tantra, a person can cultivate sexual energy (that is, ‘turn on’ or orgasm) and send it to people or situations in order to heal them. People also do this to connect with things they desire (people, experiences, etc). Tantric folks call this ‘sex magic.’

It’s a really beautiful magical concept because you can really only send good things when you use it. I am a practitioner of ‘for the highest good’- meaning I don’t send bad energy to things, I merely pray or send energy ‘for whatever is the highest good.’ I pray this way primarily to reduce attachment to outcomes, but also because: what the fuck do I know about running the Universe? (Nothing. I know nothing. So it’s not my place to be creating any particular outcome.)

In the physical sense, when a person comes, it’s also rather difficult to send that energy with bad intentions. Orgasm is the energy of creativity, joy, sometimes love- those things are difficult to harness to darker emotions or intentions. I can’t imagine being in the middle of orgasm and thinking “Please send this energy to Linda because I fucking hate her,” can you? Plus, it’s just not what Tantra is about.

I have used this practice at different times over the years since I learned it, but I generally save orgasm energy for really important stuff, things I care about a lot or want very much in my life, or things that need deep healing. In any case, I believe it does work – not always in ways we expect, but it does work.

Sexual energy and orgasm are the highest energy we can give anything because it is the spark of the infinite, the moment of creation, a connection to god.

 

Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

I am a wild one/
break me in/
saddle me up/
and let’s begin. 
– Flo Rida ft. Sia “Wild Ones”

So, what if we didn’t just try to make friends with our demons, or to see their good, but what if we actually tried to give them sex magic? What if we gave our demons the best energy we could find on Earth, our sexual energy? Interestingly enough, giving our demons sex magic is a way into their beauty.

What if you could say to your demons, “I think you are so fucking sexy?” or “Jeeezus, you turn me on.” It would be pretty revolutionary, a very different way of interacting with our demons. in this case, we’re not fighting our demons, nor are we looking for the beauty in them, we are actually finding them attractive as they are. We are giving them our ‘turn on’ as a gift of connection so that we can blow them to smithereens with our orgasm.

For me, music is the key here. If I can find a song that connects with my demon and makes me feel the least bit sexy or turned on, I’m good to go. Imagination helps, too. If you can imagine your demon as a sexy, bad boy/girl lover, then it can be easier to cultivate the sexual energy you need for magic. The more you can embody it, the more you can laugh, grind, sway, touch yourself, moan- the better it will be when you and your demon orgasm together.

And in that moment, the energy of the demon is transformed. Quite often, my heart opens even more because I’m finally connecting with that demonized part of myself in a very intimate and enjoyable way. I suppose, from a certain perspective, it’s the ultimate form of the hate fuck.

I thoroughly recommend that you straddle your demons and let them penetrate you. Fall in love with them a bit, if you can. Enjoy the fact that they are dirty and naughty. And get off on them so that you can integrate them. They are the dark side of us, quite often, and the more we know them and welcome them, they less they will run our lives.

In a very real sense, treating our demons this way is exactly the way most of us want to be loved. We want to be welcomed into the arms of our lover or beloved as we are, warts and all, and to be enjoyed, integrated, and found so sexy our lover can’t  help but to scream out to god how grateful they are for us being there. And when we can do that for ourselves, it’s fucking gorgeous.

If you’ve got demons, welcome them in. They’ve usually got something helpful to teach us. If you can find a way into their sexiness and fuck them well, you’ll also get access to their power. And you can keep it for yourself.

Blessings on the journey, you sexy fuckers.
Joanna :: xoxo

[I recognize that if you a fully scientific type person this sounds fucking ridiculous and weird. Even from a psychological perspective, it’s personifying an emotion or experience and then interacting with that personification. But if you’re into spiritual stuff, you understand- it’s an energy and energy is capable of being manipulated and transformed. I like my science and my psychology and my spiritual shizz, but this is mostly spiritual. Take it as such.]

 

 

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Forged. Punk. Sexy.

I: Forged.

The other day on Facebook, I wrote to someone that I was becoming more ‘militant.’
And I didn’t like that. At all.

Militant. The technical definition is ‘combative or aggressive in support of a political or social cause.’ The synonyms are ‘zealot,’ ‘extremist,’ and ‘radical.’

These aren’t necessarily words I associate with myself. And I didn’t really want to associate myself with them. They felt too pushy, aggressive (obvs), and hard. The word militant made me feel like I was suddenly wearing armor.

And even though I am fighting, I did not want to feel that I was hardened.
Strong? Yes.
Hardened? No.

There is something about being armored or hardened that allows the feminine to shrink. The flowing, receptive, love- and creativity-centered feminine must be protected. And it is strong all on its own- the feminine does fight, and fiercely. But when ‘militant’ and ‘armored’ become my mask, the feminine within me recedes; I am fighting from a place that is not my true identity, which is the feminine.

As I began to play with the images and words associated with ‘militant’ I began to think of strength and power and how we grow those qualities within ourselves. And I began to think of swords being forged in the fire.

Sword makers put the original metal (which will be a blade) in the fire to warm it and make it maleable. Then they pull it from the fire to shape it and harden it. And they return it to the fire, repeating this process until the blade is finished.

The process of heating the metal, over and over, does something special to it: it hardens the ‘lattice’ of the metal and reduces any imperfections in the chemical structure. And as the shape and the edge and the clarity of the sword are forged, so is its strength and density.

It’s funny- when I was doing the work of letting go of the man I connected with during my Sex Surge, I forged myself each day. Stepping forward into my self, into self-love, and into what my soul knew was right every day. I failed sometimes, of course, but I always went back to that work- getting in the fire of my feelings, being shaped by what my soul knew was true, and pulling myself towards disconnection. I did not know how valuable that forging process would be to me now.

In my political work last week, I forged myself again. I knew, over and over, what I was fighting for. What I would work + plan + call + email + love + shout + pay + pray + live for. And each time I read something awful or read something positive or cried or got impatient, I knew I was in the fire- becoming stronger and clearer and ready to fight in my own way.

What is it that I fight for? The same old things: love, health, truth.
But now, with more strength and clarity than I have ever had before.

I am not militant out of hatred or fear, I am forged from returning, over and over again, to what I love most. Forged to fight.

 

forged-for-love-meriwether

II: Punk.

One of the other words that came to mind as I mulled about ‘militant’ was ‘punk.’ Those wonderful singers and artists (and a lot of pissed off teenagers) from the 1970s who turned words + pictures + fashion + music on their very heads. They blew the doors off traditional culture by saying, “FUCK YOU” to everything ‘normal.’

Yeah, I’m down with that.

There are a lot of men from my generation who wish they were punks. Many of them were inspired by the movie, Fight Club.  I read the book (because that’s what nerds do, even sexy ones). It is a Buddhist treatise on men who had inadequate or unavailable fathers and their inherent anger about a lack of role models and masculine support. In the book, the main character splits his personality to be one person at his day job and another at Fight Club. At Fight Club, our character feels real and masculine and adequate- something he doesn’t feel in his ‘normal’ life. In the end of the book, the main character ends up in a mental hospital – unsure of who he really is anymore.

One of the things the main character laments is a lack of meaning in life:

…I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars, advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of the history man, no purpose or place, we have no Great war, no Great depression, our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives…     |Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk|

 

What they want, instead of their modern apartment full of IKEA furniture and their Audi, is a life of meaning. A life that fights the dominant system and standards and turns those men into feeling humans. They want to be punk.

What’s interesting now is that the men who identified with this book and movie are enjoying the fruits of the labors Palahniuk bemoans here. They like their power and money and position. Would they really give it up to be punk?

The Gen X guys (and gals) who identify with this novel and its characters are failing to notice two things:

 

ONE: It is the least punk thing in the world to wait for the fight to come to you.

You don’t need a Great War or Great Depression or anything to be given to you so you can have meaning and learn to fight. To wait for the economic or political (or whatever) forces to hand you a problem so big your entire generation has to fix it is to miss the point. Being punk means making a new system and bringing the fight to them.

Being punk, being in a fight to feel alive- you can do this with anything that undermines the dominant paradigm. You can be a punk on any subject that has an underdog. Racial justice. Economic justice. Reproductive rights for women. Hell, plain old rights for women (wouldn’t it be awesome if the women you knew never had to carry car keys in their fist at night, ever again? Fight for that). Gun safety. Healthcare for all. Political comradery (and some goddamn term limits- that’ll fuck the dominant paradigm quite well).

It doesn’t matter what you choose. As long as you choose and fight.

Billy Joe Armstrong, lead singer of punk band Green Day, said of their ballad, “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” that it was the most punk thing they could do. They were ridiculed in punk music circles for singing a soft, thoughtful love song- they undermined the dominant paradigm of punk by recording that song.

Punk and fight are something you choose- whether life hands you the option or not.

 

TWO: The fight is here, now. 

The U.S. election and political landscape have handed you exactly what you wanted: a problem it will take an entire generation to fight and fix. The selfish boy-king that was elected is not here to undermine the dominant paradigm and create something different. He is simply here to exploit the dominant paradigm to his own advantage. Exploitation is not punk; it is greed. Exploitation uses the current system to gain power; punk gives the down-trodden and overlooked power in a new system.

You want to fight for Something Important in your generation?
Do it now.
Because the fight is already here.
And I know where I stand.

I am a punk for love + truth + health.
Where do you stand?

 

punk-graffiti

III: Sexy.

This blog is about rebellion and honesty and eroticism. I’ve covered honesty and rebellion; where does eroticism join in? (It’s like a political threesome. And I dig that.)

The erotic is that which ignites our lust and draws us towards our pleasure. The erotic is what keeps us hungry and alive. And that is what is sexy about political action – the forging of our strength and the action we take as punks is fucking hot, if you’re paying attention. Because political action is what brings us alive. It is proof that we are human and connected and compassionate. And that shit is some head-spinning foreplay for those of us who believe life is about those very things.

In answer to what is sexy about all this, I leave you the words of Layla Martin, one of my favorite dakinis:

1. HELL YES to celebrating, respecting and empowering women and their bodies.

Yes to a thriving sexuality. Yes to women creating future on their own terms. Yes to ditching old-school shaming of women’s bodies and fear around their sexual power. Yes to laws that support a woman’s right to choose what happens in her own body. Yes to a woman having legal protection against sexual assault and rape. Yes to overthrowing the lasting effects of misogyny and female disempowerment and creating a truly pro-female world.

2. HELL YES to men.

Yes to men standing in their power and using their voices to create a just and equal society. Yes to us all rising together. Yes to men who are true leaders of integrity. Yes to men who are choosing love over fear. Yes to men who earn their privilege based on their talents, their hearts and their work – not through entitlement alone. Yes to men who are creating a future through their visionary wisdom.

3. HELL YES to diversity.

Yes to people of all colors. Yes to equality. Yes to acknowledging the lasting scars of racism and working to counteract that legally and socially. Yes to everyone having a fair shot at success in life. EVERYONE. Yes to a vibrant world of multiculturalism and real justice.

4. HELL YES to sexuality in all it’s beautiful and vibrant diversity

Yes to being gay. Yes to being queer. Yes to being transgender. Yes to being heterosexual. Yes to being bisexual. Yes to your big, beautiful sexuality and whatever you feel like expressing with another consensual adult.

5. HELL YES to truth.

Yes to being in integrity. Yes to leadership that is honest. Yes to science and facts. Yes to making conscious choices.

6. HELL YES to the environment.

Yes to stopping climate change. Yes to f**king nature. Yes to health and balance so we can relate and get sexy in the best possible ways.

7. HELL YES to love.

Yes to love in action. Yes to the kind of love that makes us not just kind and decent people – but also fierce and powerful in service of the things that matter.

8. HELL YES to sexuality.

Yes to our bodies. Yes to sex being gorgeous and artistic and free. Yes to LOVE motherf***kers!! YOU HEARD ME!!!

9. HELL YES to embracing our shadows.

Yes to embracing the nasty thoughts. The hidden thoughts. The shame and the guilt…and YES to having clear spaces and community to work through those parts of being human so our actions can reflect love and not fear more often than not.

10. HELL YES to freedom.

Yes to dancing in the streets. Yes to being playful for the fun of it. Yes to being joyful because too much seriousness is a f**king disease.

11. HELL YES to community.

Yes to embracing truth and freedom no matter what a government tells you is right or wrong. Yes to building loving connections that last. Yes to choosing based on your own inner wisdom. Yes to unleashing ecstasy and our wild souls on this world.

And finally…

12. HELL YES to relationships.

Getting through this week from hell showed me so much about partnership and the power of love.

As state after state was turning red and I knew the inevitable with all the sinking feeling of dread and terror in my body on election night, I went into shock. And in that shock and pain, Andrew and I held one another into the night.

And the shine in our eyes…the magic of our love…I thought, the whole world could crumble and still…this…this…

So let’s be that for each other.

The warm hug.

The loving eyes.

The strength when it all feels really hard.

I’ll be there for you and you can be there for me.

And create that for yourself all around you…you deserve it.

I’m a big YES to taking action.

::: ::: ::: :::

In the end, what’s all this about? It’s about me, becoming a new person. Someone stronger and clearer and more ready to fight for what is right than ever before.

It’s also about you and what you’re becoming. What are you becoming?

Action and in-action create outcomes. Not making a decision is making a decision. And we are responsible for the outcomes of our choices as much as we are responsible for the outcomes of our not choosing.

I would rather have the strength and the courage to act on what I know and want for this world, than stand by, sheltered in cowardice. I will step forward in love – in what I value the most – and take action. To forge myself, over and over again, and become strong. To stand against the system and make space for love of every shape and size.

“The helping professions have traditionally concerned themselves with wellness, health, and wellbeing. Wellness cannot stand on its own. Unless wellness is supported by justice, fairness,and equality, it is bound to fail. Poverty, marginalization, exclusion, and injustice are just as deleterious to the body as they are to the soul. To heal the soul, we need to heal the community. To heal the community, we need to change it.”

Prilleltensky, Prilleltensky, & Voorhees in Liberatory Psychiatry

 

 

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The ultimate orgasm mmmm….

“If you are not regularly having orgasms in the senses that comprise your mind and intelligence…and most particularly with the person you claim to adore…if you are not- and I mean regularly having orgasms of insight, discovery, understanding, and revelation…then I am afraid you are probably extremely confused about sex.

Because the physical aspect is really pretty mundane compared to the whole other ‘lost universe’ of mutual relational ecstasy. And ‘sex,’ as most adults understand and experience it…is far too commonly and easily substituted for its sources. This tends to become either boredom or addiction. Those are not really erotic- they are reactive.

Underneath all of our confusions about these matters, just about everything is fundamentally sexual, but not precisely in the ‘naughty’ sense.

And it’s all just as natural as rain or night- but it would appear supernatural because we have forgotten or lied about most of our actual relational nature as animals and human beings. In nature, nearly all relational expression actively elicits eroto-sexual connotation or carries similar content. Period.

And the results of recognizing and engaging with this are far beyond mere physical orgasm.”

| Darin Stephenson |

sensual-rain-leaf

 

 

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sex. spirit. + pain.

| This is a story in four parts. |

One.

In the past week, I have had the honor (and I do consider it a deep honor) to listen to six women who needed to talk about their rapes and sexual assaults. And I want to say two things:

1. No matter where your emotional pain comes from (sexual assault or bad day at work) please do not negate your pain by comparing it to someone else’s pain. There are stories in our society that comparing pain helps us feel better. This is generally untrue. What negating our pain does is hobble our emotional self. It leaves our story untold. It diminishes our capacity for self-compassion. And it leave us feeling guilty for our pain, and feeling our pain is the only way to heal it.

Your pain is your pain and that is all that needs to be said. Do not compare, please. It only hurts your heart further.

2. Although there are legal definitions of what constitutes ‘violation’ (sexual or otherwise), on the human level, ‘violation’ happens the moment you feel violated. Emotional overwhelm (trauma) is the definition of ‘violation’ and it occurs at a different point for each person. Just because your violation does not meet legal standards does not mean violation did not occur.

Rape and sexual assault are not just perpetrated on the body. They hurt the heart and spirit, too.

 

Two.

In Tantra, the emotion or intention of each person in a sexual coupling is very, very important. Tantric texts and beliefs state that how and why a man thrusts into a woman matter deeply. That his energy and intention are thrust into her as much as his penis is.

This means that when a man rapes a woman, he is thrusting in to her with an energy and intention of dominance, degradation, power over, fear, frustration, and brokenness. These emotions are deposited inside the woman just as much as his cum is- and she is left to carry them and deal with them.

This also means that when a man thrusts into a woman with love, curiosity, kindness, excitement, joy then what is left behind in the woman, emotionally and energetically, is positive. She has not been violated. She has been respected and loved (even if the people aren’t in love).

This is also why you can fuck someone – quick, hot, dirty, raw- and still have it be a loving experience. The intention matters because it produces a different energetic connection between the two (or more!) people involved. If the fuck comes from a place of respect and good intentions, the heat just makes it more satisfying.

 

Three.

My gentleman readers, please don your ‘hat of empathy’ – we’re going to imagine something. [My lady readers get a break. You already know this story.]

Imagine yourself waking up super groggy. Like, you know you’re going to need at least an extra cup of coffee today. (Or maybe like when you had a lot too much to drink in college.)

As you wake up, your realize: someone is on top of you. And they are heavy and you can’t figure out how to get them off of you. It’s a big guy. Football player big. And although your hands and legs desperately want to defend yourself, they are not working right- everything is in slow motion and just doesn’t connect.

As you try to defend yourself, you realize: this person is moving with you. When you roll or move, they do, too. In fact, they are inside you. You desperately double check around you: yes, pants are down; yes, shirt is out; yes, legs are spread. Someone is inside you- fucking you up the ass.

(And yeah, I’m gonna say it that way, because that is what most heterosexual men fear the most.)

Now, good for you if you’re the kind of guy who likes to be pegged on occasion. We all know a little prostate massage feels like a million bucks. But this is not a prostate massage your requested. This is someone fucking you up the ass and you can’t get away.

How would you feel?

Angry?
Violated?
Terrified?
Might wanna puke?
Humiliated?
Desperate to get away?
Run and hide and cry?
Murder the person?

Yes. All of that, I suspect.

This is how it feels to a woman, too.

This is just one of the many flavors of rape. And it is horrific.

The worst part is, women know this story from the time they are 11. The fact that I have to ask you to imagine this means it’s not part of your reality in the same way it is for women. Think about that. Think about how lucky you are that you don’t have to know these secrets from the time you are in 5th grade. What a privilege you have.

 

strong-woman

 

Four.

I have this belief that Life gives men who used to be cads little girls as their own children. Cads- the guys who maybe had two or three girls on the line at the same time. Dudes who maybe didn’t give a fuck if she felt more connected than he did. Guys who screwed around and spent a little too much time at the strip club. Those guys.

I think Life gives those guys little girls for kids sometimes, so they will understand how precious women actually are. So they can see the innocence and joy in their little eyes and wonder, ‘were those girls like that once, too?’ I like to think Life gives those guys little girls so the former cads can teach their girls how to stay away from men like they used to be. And in this way, make more strong women who will not put up with male bullshit. Of course, doing that would mean they have to admit what kind of men they used to be (or maybe still are).

I want a society full of strong women. Women who will not put up with bullshit.  I also want a society where women who do not have to fear men, because men have their back. Just like those former-cad dads did/do for their little girls.

If you love women, if you profess to love holding them or caring for them or just having sex with them- if you love women in any way, you need to start creating a society where they are safe. Where rape is such an irregular problem that we are surprised by it. Where women are so respected for their basic humanity (not to mention their super powers) that no one would even think of raping them. This also includes a society where men are trustworthy, kind, expressive, and vulnerable.

Rape violates a woman (or man, if he is the victim) at every level. This is not okay. This is not the best we were designed for. And we must do better, because we all – men and women – deserve it. We deserve a society that is safe for everyone.

 

 

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