How To Have Better Orgasms – And More of Them

Entering the Gates of Tantra

When you start to study tantra, it’s very much like having someone lead you up to a big wall that you can’t see around or beyond or above.

And there is a door in the wall.

And when you open the door, the entirety of New York City appears before you.



a library with sensual pictures on the walls as a symbol of tantric learning


Tantra has been around for thousands of years (as it is one aspect of both the Hindu and Buddhist spiritual paths). And as such, it has had many permutations- leaders, texts, teachers, interpretations, teachings, and perspectives. There is a city’s worth of tomes, temples, and ideas about the practice and the path. Tantra is a never-ending path that can take you into some beautiful places (and some seedy neighborhoods).

Even today, as the desire to understand and practice tantra grows, there are new teachers, texts, and lessons. New neighborhoods of ideas and interpretations to explore.

When I started down this path – to discover where sex and spirit intertwined with one another – I picked up Nicole Daedone’s Slow Sex: The Art and Science of the Female Orgasm.

In it, Daedone distinguishes between ‘climax’ – the ‘going over the edge’ most of us associate with sexual touching and orgasm – and ‘orgasm,’ which she defines as the capacity to feel pleasure.

Think about that for a minute: orgasm as the capacity to feel or experience pleasure.

An entirely new definition of orgasm.

It gave me pause as I read the book.

And over the months it has completely changed how I think about orgasm.


Personal Definitions of Orgasm

As I began to think about orgasm in a different way, I started to think about the components of my own orgasms.

Pleasure, yes.



Receptivity and penetration.










All of these things (and more!) fell into my personal experience and definition of orgasm.

I began to wonder, “What if any time I was engaged in an activity that held these experiences it was an orgasm?”

My mind sort of blew apart at that thought.

Because it meant orgasm was about my capacity – how much I could hold and experience – of the good things in life.

The moments I felt fulfilled.
The moments I was in flow.
The moment I felt my partner run his finger along my arm.
The moments I noticed simple things and felt joy or beauty.
The moments of release from pressure.

They were all orgasm. 

Suddenly, with this new definition, I could have a lot more orgasms.
In public, even.

I began to understand one of the basic principles of tantra:
pleasure is available to us in almost any situation.


collage of reds and oranges as symbol of finding orgasm in all parts of life


Making Love with Life

And this new understanding also helped me in my greater goal: to make love with life.

The more I can be aware and open to all the touchstones on the orgasm path, and to all the different kinds of orgasms, the better chance I have of engaging deeply with life and loving all it has to offer. 


I tend to look for orgasms now.

I notice which moments I am in the flow, aware, receptive. There’s potential for orgasm there.

I look for beauty, even teaspoonfuls, because I know it is orgasm in itself.

I am mindful of my own heavy breathing and excitement at anything, because it is a step on the path of orgasm.

If you want bigger, better, and more amazing orgasms, the answer is simple: practice having more orgasms.
Widen your definition so that orgasm is about more than sex.
See exactly how much pleasure you can hold.



When The Rain Taps At My Window

…I will always let him in.


The Rain and I Are Lovers

When the rain taps at my window, I will always let him in.
The rain and I have been lovers for years.

Two nights ago, I walked into my bedroom, lay down on the humid-sticky sheets and turned off the bedside lamp.

I lay on the bed, with the window open, hoping the blue cool wind would wash across my bare legs.

I looked out into the green-black night and listened to the leaves of the maple tree shhhh-shhh against each other, like a bare hand pressed across a dry cotton shirt.

And then the rain came up.

It pelted the leaves,
the roof,
the window sill.

Its small spattering kisses bouncing off the sill and hitting my knees,
calves, and

Hello, rain. I have missed you.

I turned towards the window and snuggled into my bed.

I fell asleep to the quiet rhythm of wind and gentle rain drops,
which I could not see- only feel.


three windows in a house facade, only one is open, a tree, the moon and rain


I awoke to the smell of rain; that moss-dirt, earthy clean.
And yellow-green leaves no longer heavy with humidity; they could rest in their lightness.
Small, clear puddles on my window sill.

I know you were here, Lover.
I can still smell
and see
and feel



How To Do Whatever The F You Want

…And Not Care What Other People Think (Mostly)

Or, how to use the crappy things that have happened in your life to really be yourself, and thereby be happy.


A Helpful Story (or Two) On Being Told ‘No’

A few days ago, in Facebook,  I posted something that prompted a friend to write, “How do you say things and not care what other people will think?”

It was meant as a compliment, and I took it that way.

But it also got me thinking, how did I learn to do that?

It was not inherent in me, this rebellious streak. It’s something I developed over time.

And this is how I think it happened.


1. I Never Got Asked on a Date In High School

This is true.
I was never asked on a date in high school.
Not once.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t go out.
I did. A lot.

And had a handful of boyfriends.

But I never was asked, I did the asking.

Every date I have ever gone on was because I asked the guy.

Because I figured, “the worst he can say is ‘no’ and I’m totally fine if he says that. It’s his choice, I get it.”

Some of them said ‘no,’ some of them said ‘yes,’ and some of them said, ‘yes!!!’ (which was always nice).

What this taught me about doing whatever the f-ck I want is that if I’m okay with the worst that can happen, I can be brave and do it. 

If I post this thing on Facebook, with an emotional title or phrase, and the worst that can happen is someone unfriends me, I can handle that. And so, I go forth and do whatever the fuck I want.

The flip side of this is, of course, what if you don’t like the potential outcomes, or can’t deal with them?

Well, then you can’t do whatever the fcuk you want.

Or rather, ‘whatever the fuck you want’ changes.
You move from wanting to do this one thing, to not wanting to do it, based on potential outcomes. That’s fine. That’s mature. Go find something else to do.


2. Haters Gonna Hate / Those Who Love You as Your True Self are the Keepers

When I was in high school (apparently I learned a lot there), I was in a church youth group. And one night, I started dancing wildly to Fishbone’s “Skankin’ To The Beat.”

Which is not exactly a church song.

Nevertheless, my dear friend, Melissa was digging it. She was laughing and dancing and having an awesome time with me. We went crazy and it was fantastic. Both of us felt totally alive.

Then she started the music again and invited the entire youth group to come watch us. We had fun again, but only a few others from the group joined in or clapped with us. Lots laughed or were bored.

What I learned was that some people- probably a small percentage of the whole of my group – were going to LOVE what I did when I was fully myself.

And a slightly larger group would be appreciative, or find it funny, or entertaining.

Another part of the group would not understand, or be bored, or be frightened.

All of these reactions are fine.
I don’t begrudge anyone their personal preferences (unless they hurt others).

The deepest lesson I got was that when I’m fully myself – not giving a fuck about what other people think – the people who are there WITH me are my tribe.
They love me.
And they love me being fully me.

As well, the rest of the people – and their opinions – I’m not going to worry about them.

Their opinions are important (and maybe I want to be sensitive to them in other situations, because I value tolerance) but I’m not going to give their opinions so much weight that it holds me back in the full expression of who I am.

If you’ve ever lost a friend, because of being who you truly were, you know this truth already.

When someone stops being your friend after you’ve done, said, or expressed something that was from your best, deepest, most true self – it hurts. Especially if you were close.

But you also know, if that person cannot accept the full expression of who you are, they are not really your friend.

And what good is it to have them around, harshing on your mellow?

If you have ever had a relationship end because of who you really were, you have the skills to do whatever the fuck you want.


dance like no one is watching artwork; almost the same as doing whatever you want

(This image is artwork by Kal Barteski- found on Google. You can find her work here.)


3. Self Love + Self Forgiveness

Not a high school story again. Yay!

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that being prepared for the worst and knowing who’s opinion does matter are important in doing what you want and living how you want to live.

And so is self love and self forgiveness.

It was one of the hardest, toughest, most painful lessons for me to learn to love myself. It took a lot of curiosity (‘how do I love myself, anyway?’)
and practice (‘well, I could like my wide grin, for a start’)
and therapy (‘I’m not crazy for feeling unloved as a child?’).

But I learned that self love does whatever the fuck it wants. Because self love activates the deepest sense of knowing who you are and what you’re about – and standing strong in that knowledge.

And when you are strong in knowing who you are and what you’re about, it doesn’t matter what the haters say. It also kind of doesn’t matter what the lovers say – it matters what I say.
And what I want.
And what I think.
And what I know about life.
And what I want for this world.


Sometimes,  though, you make a mistake.
And that’s where self forgiveness comes in.

Sometimes you do pick the wrong thing to say, or do, or express.
It upsets someone you don’t want to upset.
It gets you in hot water with the wrong people or organization.

And you have to apologize and fix it (if it’s fixable).

But you also have to forgive yourself for making a mistake.

And the mistake was not in doing whatever the fuck you want, the mistake was in mis-understanding the consequences of your actions (or not imagining potential consequences well enough).

And you have to forgive yourself for that.
You’re not perfect.
You’re a learning human being (at least, I hope you learn from this!).
And it’s okay to make mistakes in the course of learning to be who you are.

There have been plenty of times when I put something out on Facebook, or said something in a room full of fancy people, or danced a little too wildly at the wedding and it got me consequences I wasn’t anticipating.

For instance, hucking a Hershey’s kiss at a former boss, during a group skit about the editing process, was probably not a great idea. But I forgave myself and went on with life. (And the boss did not harsh on my mellow, thankfully.)


How To Do Whatever The Fuck You Want

1. Prepare yourself, as much as you can, for people not liking you doing whatever the fuck you want. If you can deal with the worst outcome, you’re good to go.

2. Who you are is who you are. And who you are is amazing (we need you!). If some people don’t like that, it’s fine. Plenty of people will support the true you.

3. Love yourself enough to be who you really are and do whatever the fuck you want. And forgive yourself when doing whatever the fuck you want backfires. You’ll live through it. And you’ll learn.

When you’re 19, doing whatever the fuck you want has consequences, but maybe they’re not as worrisome for your future. When you’re 39, the consequences can be bigger, but with some imagination and self-awareness, you can still do whatever the fuck you want- and make life truly yours.



The Masculine and The Feminine: Our Basic Instincts

Conversations, Themes, and Questions

I’ve been listening to a lot of conversations lately– in cafes, on Facebook, television, radio, etc. Some of it I actually listen to, some of it is just overheard snippets (cafe, library and the like). I’m also taking an online course about Feminine Power (I’ll share more details later – depending on how it goes!).

And I’m starting to get a sense of the basic instincts and questions that drive the masculine and the feminine.

[Let me be clear: ‘masculine’ does not equal ‘men,’ just as ‘feminine’ does not equal ‘women.’ The masculine and the feminine are ways of being and attitudes that we can use to look at the world. We all have a little of each inside of us. Which is important, useful, and necessary.]

Over and over, the underlying theme I hear in the masculine is: Can we do this?

The answer to which, almost always, is yes.

Yes, you/we/us/them can do this.

Build a ladder to the moon? Yes.
Let stock traders trade in whatever ways they want? Yes.
Make plastic shit until the cows come home? Yes.
Cure cancer? Yes.
Fight wars for misguided reasons? Yes.

We can do it!


Over and over, the underlying theme I hear in the feminine is: Should we?

The answer to which, almost always, is let’s think about it some more.
And, who would it help if we did?
And, who would it hurt if we did?


Build a ladder to the moon?
Okay, but why? And couldn’t we use that money for, say, education?

Let stock traders go rogue?
Um, no. We tried that. Several times. It doesn’t work. (And every time we’ve tried it, it hurts a lot of people. So, no.)

Make plastic shit until the cows come home?
No. Let’s use plastic responsibly.

Cure cancer?
Go Right Ahead. (And use all the plastic you need.)

Fight wars for misguided reasons?
No. Never again. (It costs too fucking much and hurts too many individuals and families.)


a masculine energy in blue and a feminine energy in red and oranges, sharing between them a whole energetic field

Basic Instincts

Listening to these various conversations and starting to see these themes, you get the picture that the masculine wants to push forward.

To make shit happen.
To get things done.
It imagines.

And this is awesome.

There are a lot of good things, experiences, and miracles we would not have without this desire to push ahead.

But the feminine concerns itself with how these pushes forward change the world for everyone. The question of relationship arises beyond the excitement of imagination.

It’s great to have a cool new cell phone every two years – look at all the fucking amazing things we can do with them. But what happens to the kid in Bangladesh who makes $0.11 an hour (or a day) to mine the minerals we need to make the cell phones?

The feminine cares about him, too.
(Would you want your kid doing that?)


Neither of these is better. They are both necessary.

But, we get better results (by far) when they work together and listen to each other. 

More grace.
More beauty.
More good.


Can we do this? Yes!
Should we? Let’s talk about it…